“Delaware. We’re in Delaware.”
Together, America is united as one boozy, overweight, hard drug dabbling awesome nation. However, it’s important to remember that we began as a confederation of states, and each of those states very much has its own unique identity which is defined through their citizens, history, and contributions to American society. If you’re looking for the best bourbon in the nation, you’ll probably think of Kentucky before, say, Alaska. But that doesn’t mean Alaska doesn’t live life Americanly by shooting wolves from helicopters and getting paid for no reason other than living in a place not a lot of people want to be.
So when we at AFFotD look to exalt America, sometimes we have to look at each individual piece of the puzzle and determine the most American aspects of each state of this great nation. That is why we are here to present to you a five part series listing the most American qualities of every state in the Union, in order of when they were officially admitted into the United States of America. So grab onto your hats, and get ready to watch us frantically Wikipedia what the hell is in North Dakota.
“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Americans love hamburgers. It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away. They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already. Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.
However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us. Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.
Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang? That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…
America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers
Comparing America to France is like comparing a Filet Mignon to a country that no one likes. There’s a reason why food critics write for different types of websites than people who are trying to teach you how to set up a compost pile. France is a piece of shit, is what we’re trying to say. But every once and a while, even a terrible, terrible nation like France can do something that makes us, well, envious. And when that happens, it puts us in a psychological shame spiral that inevitably leads to driving a few cars through convenience store walls to steal massive amounts of 40s.
This is one of those times. Stay away from any of the 7-Elevens in your neighborhood that sell liquor, because take a look at what we found that the French are selling.
IT’S A DARTH VADER BURGER WITH AN ENTIRELY BLACK BUN! GODDAMN IT FRANCE! IT’S ON!
Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever
“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”
~A Porn actress’s nightmare
It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers. We also love needless excess. Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.
America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more. When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”
But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.” And he does. Or at least we do. And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”. In the form of…
Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!
Pictured, from left to right: Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef
“You hear me? I’m not fucking around with soccer this time, assholes!”
Everyone has a whipping boy. Bart Simpson has Milhouse, Linguini has spaghetti. America has Canada. AFFotD has…[REDACTED]. The last few times you’ve heard from him we strapped him to an operating table like a convicted rapist in the Clockwork Orange universe and made him live-blog some women’s soccer games. Yes, we are particularly cruel, but what would you expect from someone who made his AFFotD eating fucking vegan food?
But there’s only so much you can push someone before they snap. And we’ve seen enough drunken beach invasions to know what happens when [REDACTED] snaps on us. So we try to keep him happy. Throw him a bone once or twice.
Here’s a step-by-step description of [REDACTED]‘s Labor Day. It’s good to be the king.
“OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM”
Assuming you’re trying to “keep sober” because your “doctor said he was worried about you” and “your family hired someone to watch over your house and make sure you don’t start chugging bottles of Listerine,” what are the next two ways you can show your love for America without listening to the delirium tremens elephant’s advice to “kill them all and drink their rum”? That’s right, loyal, blind consumerism, and over eating. Something like, oh, we don’t know, eating thousands of the same unhealthy food product repeatedly for almost 40 years?
“No, anything but this assignment. ANYTHING BUT THIS ASSIGNMENT!”
As journalists, we take our duty to the public very seriously. This nation has over 300 million residents, and not all of them understand the American nature of chugging a beer after dropping a hot dog into it (we call it dog bombing, and it requires a relaxed esophagus and a particular blindness to shame.) So sometimes, we have to rub elbows with those that operate outside our rules. Those that shun hot dogs, hamburgers, steak even. To really get inside the heads of those that spurn these things that are so inherently American, we needed to do a little investigative journalism. Much like Nellie Bly risked torture to uncover the evils of the mental health system in the 1800′s, Gunter Wallraff spent two years to uncover the human rights violation against immigrants in Germany, and Larry David smuggled himself onto the set of Hannah Montana to discover Billy Ray Cyrus’ evil sex dungeon, our investigators were required to go above and beyond the call of duty.
That’s right. We sent someone into the Dragon’s Lair. We sent someone…to a vegan restaurant.
Truly…the thing of our nightmares
And now, for the shocking truth behind a restaurant that dares not to serve meat…eggs…or cheese, here is the report from our Undercover reporter, whose name has been redacted so that his family would not leave him upon discovering he had consumed food that never took advantage of an animal at any point in it’s preparation. Here is his shocking tale.