“Well, that’s a good question, an…wait…no…NO! What are they saying? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
The America Fun Fact of the Day staff likes to follow various printed media sources throughout the nation with the same grim fascination as British people watching David Blaine suspended over the Themes. We like to see if it’s going to die, or if it’ll just keep hanging around. For now, media is hanging around.
Though thankfully, newspapers are not making giant stone Abraham Lincolns.
We find one thing funnier than watching Newspapers struggle, and that’s watching newspapers ineptly try to adapt to the information age. Yeah, New York Times, we’re absolutely going to pay to go to your damn website. It’s not like the internet has already found a the surprisingly easy way to bypass the paywall already or anything. Face.
We bring all this up because, in our routine of going through newspaper’s facebook pages (which totally pale in comparison to the AFFotD facebook page which is absolutely up and running) we discovered a question posed by the RedEye, a free publication based out of Chicago. Their facebook paged asked the simple question: What would you do if you were given $100 and had to spend it in an hour.
Easy question, right? “Booze and scratch-off tickets” would be an acceptable answer. “Give me the hundred bucks first, and then I’ll let you know,” would be another one.
That didn’t get through to the 100 plus people who answered incorrectly (“oh it’s a rhetorical question though, AFFotD, you can’t have a wrong answer to a rhetorical question” oh yes you fucking can, dammit). And so, in a manner that we usually on reserve for Mike Adams or children, we’re here to tell dozens of Chicagoans how they would choose to spend 100 dollars is stupid. And just so we don’t have to put down the like, twenty people who said they would spend it on clothes, we’ll save you some time. No, clothes are not an acceptable way to spend the 100 dollars in this situation. Jesus.
And let’s start the list of hate.
“I got your Vice-Presidency riiiiight here.”
The America Fun Fact of the Day organization has taken a lot of heat from various public interest groups over the years, which is to be expected whenever a fresh, vibrant voice appears to lead the general public down the proper American path. Native American groups really didn’t take kindly to our Super Bowl commercials that ran under the slogan, “Indians: Stop Bitching and Be Thankful We Let You Have Casinos” (though, surprisingly, the media uproar over those spots was largely overshadowed by how much people inexplicably loathed those boring Groupon ads). A lot of Eastern European groups tend to take umbrage with our bizarre inexplicable hatred towards Ukranians. And, of course, we take a lot of heat from MADD for our supposedly controversial “High Fives for safe Buzzed drivers” program, and our, “Blowing a .08 isn’t nearly as big of a crime as blowing a .2, get over it America” advertising banners that we may or may not have placed on the MADD website for a time.
We didn’t earn any favors with this campaign either…
And of our many transgressions (people always tend to overlook our Condor fighting ring, which baffles us to no end) our stance towards alcohol (mainly that it’s awesome) tends to get a surprising amount of backlash. Not that we care to address that backlash at the moment. Let’s put it this way, 90% of the people that tell us, “Alcohol ruins lives” also list their favorite TV shows as being According to Jim, Two and a Half Men, and The Bachelor. Call us cynical, but we’re not too worried about losing that demographic as readers.
This show got eight seasons. EIGHT. Yet Arrested Development got cancelled after three. This message was sponsored by whiskey. “Whiskey: Drink me to forget.”
Alcohol is as American as drinking Alcohol, which, for those who have never read AFFotD, is incredibly American. And that’s why we choose to salute one of the best moments in American Alcohol consumption. The Vice-Presidential inauguration of Abraham Lincoln’s Vice President, Andrew Johnson.