Tag Archives: google

October 3, 2012 · 12:01 AM

Answers To American Questions Posed By Google Auto-complete

“Wow, do yourself a favor and don’t try to Google anything that starts with ‘tranv.’ Don’t ask how I know this, just do it.”

~AFFotD Staffers

Contrary to popular belief, if you Google the word “Google” your computer will not catch fire and release all the captured souls that are used to boost processing speeds (we’re pretty sure that’s how computers work). However, if you Google Google, you won’t find their Wikipedia entry in the first page of results. True story. Google as a search engine was founded in 1998, and since then it has spawned into a multi-billion dollar enterprise that is responsible for your email, search needs, and that one social media platform you forgot you once signed up for.

Of course, one of the ways that Google helps keep the pulse of this fine nation is that they tend to track what terms are most often searched, so that if you start typing a question or a search topic, it will give you some helpful suggestions as to what you think you might be looking for.

But you don’t need Google to answer your questions. We got you, America, we got you. With that, we introduce to your our latest segment…

Answers To American Questions Posed By Google Auto-complete

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The Informative American Talks Sex: An Unpleasant and Often Painful Method To Create Future American Soldiers (originally published December 1953)

“But I don’t have to look at any nipples when I’m doing it, right?”

~1950’s sexual partner

While going through our daily, cough, research, we stumbled across this particular image from a 1950’s adventure magazine. For those of you who said “clicking links is for pansies, I only ended up on this page because I waited too long to click ‘save-as’ from the google images preview page,” we’ll do you the service of explaining the magazine for you.

Yes the image if a man swimming in a sea filled with red snakes, but, there is an additional headline informing men of the 1950’s, “Sex can be FUN!” Now, our staff usually does not discuss sexual conquest or prowess (laaaadies) because these represent moments of personal intimacy that are best left unspoken by distinguished gentlemen. Or in our case, we get too drunk afterwards to actually write about it, and by the time we wake up we’ve probably forgotten the most relevant details (position, duration, gender, etc). But, in spite of everything, we at AFFotD can take a pretty firm stance and say, if you have to read an article to assure you that “Sex can be fun,” you’re doing it wrong.

And apparently we’d be right, because as we were going through the archives of our 1950’s newsletters, we discovered that our predecessors had actually found the exact same article. And, we say this a little less than proudly, they apparently were doing it wrong back then.

Uh. That’s all the explanation we really have the stomach to describe right now. Here, uh, is not one of our finer moments. We’ll just show you the original article.

The Informative American Talks Sex: An Unpleasant and Often Painful Method To Create Future American Soldiers (originally published December 1953)

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Francis Firegrove: American Conspiracy Theory Expert

“The government is contaminating the groundwater with Billy Joel songs!”

~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy theorist

America is full of crazy people, and that’s something to be proud of. Why’s that? Because completely normal, sane people are incredibly boring. Plus they’re the most likely to snap and commit terrible atrocities. Look at the Mormons, for God’s sake. So yes, we love the fact that America has insane conspiracy theorists who decide to inform us about how the President of the United States is actually part turtle, or that the US Senate are a group of men and women that only exist in the mind of a 5 year old autistic child. Because, if nothing else, it keeps things interesting around here.

There’s got to be a debt ceiling joke in there, right?

So while we might not agree with certain conspiracy theories, like vapor trails being the governments way to poison all of its citizens, we still get a kick out of hearing them. So that’s why today’s AFFotD will be written by a very special guest, Francis Firegrove, our resident tin-foil hat maker/conspiracy theory expert. Take it away, Francis.

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Filed under America Fun Fact of the Day

Tagged as Christopher Columbus, Conspiracy Theories, Francis Firegrove, google, LSD, Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg loves tadpoles, Mormons, NSA, President, Theory of relativity, Truman Show, US Senate, wizard obama

August 2, 2011 · 12:01 AM

London Drowns in Beer

“And they say that, in their most dire moment, a chosen one will spurn his British curse, and become, spiritually, a true American.”

~The prophecy

America Fun Fact of the Day likes to keep things, you know, local. Much like George Washington was a staunch isolationist, we don’t give a shit about what goes on outside of America. Oh what’s that, Greece is poor? Tough shit, sell the Parthenon or something. Not our debt, not our problem. We don’t even know what a European Union is, but if you put us on the spot we’d say…Soccer team? British Iron Workers? Again, we don’t know, we don’t care.

But, despite our extreme disinterest in other nations, we do understand that being American is more than just a geographical concept. Hell, some of the least American people in the world were born and raised in America. So, is it possible that there are American souls trapped in bodies that were born in un-American nations? While this may go down as one of the most surprising statements you’ll hear from America’s proudest batch of Xenophobes, yes. Yes it is possible. Sometimes it just tales of incredible feats to us to realize that.

We’re talking about British people drowning in beer.

Or as the British call it, “Gobbling the Hozzywaller in the Fainterphone.” Probably. GOD that place is a mess.

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Filed under Beer!, England

Tagged as America, Beer, England, European Union, George WAshington, google, Greece, Jello Shots, London, Parthenon, porter, Soccer

April 1, 2011 · 12:01 AM

April Fools, a History of Pranks

“Ha! Your meatloaf has ground up glass in it! April Fools’!”

~The World’s Best Prankster (now serving 25-to-life at a Federal Penitentiary)

Enjoy the seizures

The America Fun Fact of the Day office loves April Fools’. That probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you who started reading while anxiously waiting for a terrifying monster face to pop up on the screen like those pranks that terrify little children on the youtube videos. You, the reader, don’t have to be too concerned about any pranks in today’s post of course- we save most of our energy messing with local law enforcement and personal enemies. Though, we did contaminate one batch of California grown spinach with a pretty nasty case of E. Coli, so next time you want to make spinach dip, and you start feeling like you need to go to the hospital, then April Fools’! Ha ha!

Is it worth the risk? Probably, that shit’s delicious

So don’t worry about being pranked while reading this, unless you’re reading this while peeling open a fresh naval orange (just one poisoned batch, that’s all it takes to panic the shit out of people). And the ambulances might be tied up, depending on where you are, since most of our local branches have been performing “Shit the Joker did in The Dark Knight” type “pranks” all day long, so the emergency crews are going to have their hands full. God, we love this day.

Ha haaa!

But we are not here to cause mischief to you, loyal readers. In fact, we’re here to give you…

The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to April Fools’ Day: A History

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Filed under America Fun Fact of the Day

Tagged as Alaska, America, AOL, AOL Presents Huffington Post Presents America ‘Fun’ ‘Fact’ of the ‘Day’ You’ve Got Mail!, April Fools', April Fools' Day, Arby's, Boston University, Burger King, Charlie Sheen, Dick Smith, England, Fake Iceberg, google, Horse Meat, Huffington Post, Internet, Joseph Boskin, Kremvax, Left-Handed Burgers, Lung Powered Device, Madison Capital Times, New York Mets, Oranges, Pi is Exactly 3, Pope Gregory XIII, Porky Bickar, Sidd Finch, Spinach, Taco Bell, Taco Liberty Bell, The Daily Mail, The Dark Knight, vodka swimming pool, Whopper, Wisconsin, World War I

Tag Archives: google

Answers To American Questions Posed By Google Auto-complete

The Informative American Talks Sex: An Unpleasant and Often Painful Method To Create Future American Soldiers (originally published December 1953)

Francis Firegrove: American Conspiracy Theory Expert

London Drowns in Beer

April Fools, a History of Pranks

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