Tag Archives: George WAshington

The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President

“Heh heh.  Cox.  I mean, Mr. Governer.”

~Presidential Debate Proctor, 1920

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As we’ve established time and time again, we’re not the best at math, but as far as we can tell, America has been a country for over 150 years, and has had more than 40 presidents.  43 presidents maybe?  45?  Either way, it’s less than 50.  And that means that anytime you have the chance to become the President of the Most Powerful Country In The World (pre-2008 division), your name will be in the history books, even if it’s just as a footnote.

The problem with being a part of history is that the first and, in some cases only, thing that we see in a history book is the name of the person.  Yes, we know that George Washington had fake teeth and liked to stand up on boats, but the first thing we register about him is his name.  George Washington.  A strong, authoritative name that screams “Presidential.”  Now not all of our Presidents were blessed with such a fitting name (looking at you, Herbert Hoover) but they at least managed to have names that didn’t actively get in the way of their political gains.

Which is why we’re here to focus on those whose name did get in the way.  The Presidential candidates that got their names on the ballots, failing to realize that maybe they should have changed their name before making the entire population read their name in the polling booth and suppress a giggle.  That’s why we present for you…

The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President

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Get Your Hands Off My Bottle: A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion

“Do.  Not.  Fuck.  With.  Our.  Whiskey.”

~18th Century Americans/19th Century Americans/20th Century Americans/You Get The Gist

whiskey rebellion

America was founded under a few core principles.  Now, it’s been a while since we’ve skimmed through the Declaration of Independence, and if you put a gun to our head we’d still not be able to tell you what the Third Amendment of the Constitution does, but we’re pretty sure America is all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through the imbibement of alcohol.  Nope, that’s right, we nailed it on the first try, don’t even try to ask Google if that’s right they’ll just steal your cookies and put them on boat servers and sell them to Nigerian Princes (besides being keen historians, we’re also internet experts).

We bring this up because we’d like to tell you about a very important history tale, from America’s distant past.  Imagine, if you will, a time when America’s very existence could be threatened by even the smallest of threats.  Picture a government trying to tax our booze to pay for war debts.  And imagine people rising up and saying, “Get your hands off our fucking booze” with enough anger and violence that it marks the only time that an acting President led troops to battle.

Yes, that’s right, we’re here to talk about the Whiskey Rebellion, the relatively minor yet strangely important hiccup in American history that, naturally, was centered around our nation’s love of alcohol.

Get Your Hands Off My Bottle:  A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion

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Filed under Miscellaneous America, Washington, Whiskey and Bourbon

England’s Five Greatest Foes (Apparently)

“Do not fuck with me, England.”

~George Washington

George Washington is a lot like Gizmo from Gremlins.  He’s a good guy that you don’t want to be on the bad side of, and we’re only assuming that he doesn’t like getting wet.  While we’re at it, we’re just going to assume that the both of them hated the British as well.

Well, now we at least know that the Brits are still terrified of Washington.  According to a recent poll run by the National Army Museum of the UK to determine who was Britain’s greatest foe of all time, Washington came out in first place.  While we wonder who decided to come up with the short list of enemies (Hitler, for example, seems strangely absent) we are pleased that our European allies still go to sleep at night with nightmarish visions of Washington’s wooden teeth and laser vision.

As much as we applaud Washington’s place as the badass of all badasses, as journalists (ha!) it is our sworn (?) duty to delve as deeply into this issue as possible.  So, it’s time to begrudgingly compare Washington to the rest of the people England considers their sworn enemy to see if the honor is anything worth getting excited over.

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Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains

“While other phrases like ‘Mummy Roosevelt’ or ‘Scarecrow Lincoln’ are certainly in play, ‘Zombie Washington’ likely remains the best combination of words in the English Language.”

~The Oxford Dictionary People

Zombies are scientifically the most American monsters out there.  Think about it.  Werewolves have been phoned in by Benicio Del Toro, certain Vampires fucking glitter, and IRS agents aren’t even given handguns for their job anymore.  Yes, Zombies walk this world, and this fine nation, with a singular purpose.  Consumerist metaphor Brains.  Delicious brains.

But what would have happened if we had taken one of our nation’s founders, and greatest laser-vision-having hero, and zombified the shit out of him?  Well, it almost happened, as we recently learned on this io9 article.  So sit back, gentle Americans, and prepare yourselves for…

Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains

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George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

“Hey baby, let’s get you out of those not-yet-drunk clothes.”

~George Washington

While the Holidays have past, and we are given a much harder time coming up with excuses to start drinking on a Wednesday at noon (“it’s, uh, the birthday of…uh…Jack…Daniels…”) we can still take a moment to look back fondly on aspects that make the Holidays so warm and inviting.  And drunk.  And an awesome but mean trick to play on your lactose intolerant friends.  Yes, we’re talking about eggnog.

“But AFFotD, why are you talking about eggnog when there’s a picture of George Washington that looks like he’s teaching the Indian boy next to him how to properly give a hand jibber?” you no doubt are asking, and to that we say, hey, nice use of the word “hand jibber” it’s nice to know that hasn’t completely fallen out of style yet.  But secondly, we have to tell you something.  This article?  Is not going to be some mamby pamby eggnog article.  Fuck that.  No, today we are going to introduce to you…

George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

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The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“You want a piece of me?  COME ON, ASSHOLES!  WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME!”

~Gandhi

We Americans try to act civilized and focus on the finer things in life, like a nice aged scotch or photoshopping actresses’ faces onto photos of naked women, but despite our efforts to contain our savage impulses, we do love a good fight.  There’s nothing wrong with that—fighting is a healthy and natural way to vent anger, settle disputes, and teach assholes not to drive on the highway with their blinker on the whole time.  The mere existence of fighting is responsible for 100% of all instances where someone shouts, “Yeah you better run,” which is one of the more underappreciated American sentences in existence.

If you ever doubt America’s hidden yearning to watch people bash the ever-loving bile out of each other, just ask any American male why he likes the movie Fight Club.

“The anti-capitalist metaphor, man, I like that it’s against consumerism,” they might say.

No, why do you really like Fight Club?

“Uh, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt give incredibly nuanced…”

No.  Why do you really like the movie?

“Because of the fighting!  Because they fight!  In a club!  Oh God, why did daddy leave, why did daddy have to leave us?”

Woah, that got dark.  Since segues are for the French and people who lack confidence about their sexual virility (ha, but didn’t we say “the French” already?  Burn) just know that today’s fun fact is…

The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“More like a house divided against itself cannot stand another ass whooping like the one I just dished out!  Boooom!  Classic Lincoln-Zinger.  Oh..oh wow, you’re actually…yeah you’re bleeding really bad…Oh…”

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America Fun Fact of the Day 9/18- September 18th in American History

“So…very Sunday.”

~…AFFotD’s staff?

The weekend.  It’s a time to fight off “sleep” with “alcohol” so you can “make questionable decisions” at the “expense of your long term health.”  It also tends to “involve” using “excessive” “quotation marks around phrases.”

So it’s of course time for us to shake off the terrible, terrible hangovers afflict us on a day-to-day basis and present you…

Today’s Date in American History

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