Tag Archives: George WAshington

England’s Five Greatest Foes (Apparently)

“Do not fuck with me, England.”

~George Washington

George Washington is a lot like Gizmo from Gremlins.  He’s a good guy that you don’t want to be on the bad side of, and we’re only assuming that he doesn’t like getting wet.  While we’re at it, we’re just going to assume that the both of them hated the British as well.

Well, now we at least know that the Brits are still terrified of Washington.  According to a recent poll run by the National Army Museum of the UK to determine who was Britain’s greatest foe of all time, Washington came out in first place.  While we wonder who decided to come up with the short list of enemies (Hitler, for example, seems strangely absent) we are pleased that our European allies still go to sleep at night with nightmarish visions of Washington’s wooden teeth and laser vision.

As much as we applaud Washington’s place as the badass of all badasses, as journalists (ha!) it is our sworn (?) duty to delve as deeply into this issue as possible.  So, it’s time to begrudgingly compare Washington to the rest of the people England considers their sworn enemy to see if the honor is anything worth getting excited over.

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Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains

“While other phrases like ‘Mummy Roosevelt’ or ‘Scarecrow Lincoln’ are certainly in play, ‘Zombie Washington’ likely remains the best combination of words in the English Language.”

~The Oxford Dictionary People

Zombies are scientifically the most American monsters out there.  Think about it.  Werewolves have been phoned in by Benicio Del Toro, certain Vampires fucking glitter, and IRS agents aren’t even given handguns for their job anymore.  Yes, Zombies walk this world, and this fine nation, with a singular purpose.  Consumerist metaphor Brains.  Delicious brains.

But what would have happened if we had taken one of our nation’s founders, and greatest laser-vision-having hero, and zombified the shit out of him?  Well, it almost happened, as we recently learned on this io9 article.  So sit back, gentle Americans, and prepare yourselves for…

Zombie Washington Prefers British Brains

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George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

“Hey baby, let’s get you out of those not-yet-drunk clothes.”

~George Washington

While the Holidays have past, and we are given a much harder time coming up with excuses to start drinking on a Wednesday at noon (“it’s, uh, the birthday of…uh…Jack…Daniels…”) we can still take a moment to look back fondly on aspects that make the Holidays so warm and inviting.  And drunk.  And an awesome but mean trick to play on your lactose intolerant friends.  Yes, we’re talking about eggnog.

“But AFFotD, why are you talking about eggnog when there’s a picture of George Washington that looks like he’s teaching the Indian boy next to him how to properly give a hand jibber?” you no doubt are asking, and to that we say, hey, nice use of the word “hand jibber” it’s nice to know that hasn’t completely fallen out of style yet.  But secondly, we have to tell you something.  This article?  Is not going to be some mamby pamby eggnog article.  Fuck that.  No, today we are going to introduce to you…

George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

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The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“You want a piece of me?  COME ON, ASSHOLES!  WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME!”

~Gandhi

We Americans try to act civilized and focus on the finer things in life, like a nice aged scotch or photoshopping actresses’ faces onto photos of naked women, but despite our efforts to contain our savage impulses, we do love a good fight.  There’s nothing wrong with that—fighting is a healthy and natural way to vent anger, settle disputes, and teach assholes not to drive on the highway with their blinker on the whole time.  The mere existence of fighting is responsible for 100% of all instances where someone shouts, “Yeah you better run,” which is one of the more underappreciated American sentences in existence.

If you ever doubt America’s hidden yearning to watch people bash the ever-loving bile out of each other, just ask any American male why he likes the movie Fight Club.

“The anti-capitalist metaphor, man, I like that it’s against consumerism,” they might say.

No, why do you really like Fight Club?

“Uh, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt give incredibly nuanced…”

No.  Why do you really like the movie?

“Because of the fighting!  Because they fight!  In a club!  Oh God, why did daddy leave, why did daddy have to leave us?”

Woah, that got dark.  Since segues are for the French and people who lack confidence about their sexual virility (ha, but didn’t we say “the French” already?  Burn) just know that today’s fun fact is…

The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“More like a house divided against itself cannot stand another ass whooping like the one I just dished out!  Boooom!  Classic Lincoln-Zinger.  Oh..oh wow, you’re actually…yeah you’re bleeding really bad…Oh…”

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America Fun Fact of the Day 9/18- September 18th in American History

“So…very Sunday.”

~…AFFotD’s staff?

The weekend.  It’s a time to fight off “sleep” with “alcohol” so you can “make questionable decisions” at the “expense of your long term health.”  It also tends to “involve” using “excessive” “quotation marks around phrases.”

So it’s of course time for us to shake off the terrible, terrible hangovers afflict us on a day-to-day basis and present you…

Today’s Date in American History

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London Drowns in Beer

“And they say that, in their most dire moment, a chosen one will spurn his British curse, and become, spiritually, a true American.”

~The prophecy


America Fun Fact of the Day likes to keep things, you know, local.  Much like George Washington was a staunch isolationist, we don’t give a shit about what goes on outside of America.  Oh what’s that, Greece is poor?  Tough shit, sell the Parthenon or something.  Not our debt, not our problem.  We don’t even know what a European Union is, but if you put us on the spot we’d say…Soccer team?  British Iron Workers?  Again, we don’t know, we don’t care.

But, despite our extreme disinterest in other nations, we do understand that being American is more than just a geographical concept.  Hell, some of the least American people in the world were born and raised in America.  So, is it possible that there are American souls trapped in bodies that were born in un-American nations?  While this may go down as one of the most surprising statements you’ll hear from America’s proudest batch of Xenophobes, yes.  Yes it is possible.  Sometimes it just tales of incredible feats to us to realize that.

We’re talking about British people drowning in beer.

Or as the British call it, “Gobbling the Hozzywaller in the Fainterphone.”  Probably.  GOD that place is a mess.

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Two)

“Two days off in a row is sort of cutting it a little close, though…”

~Still your boss

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, this week will be devoted to discussing the importance of Holidays in American culture.  We’re going to keep that going today with the most American Federal Holidays that you don’t have to go to work for, because America’s got your back.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 7/3- July 3rd in American History

“You want us to do a fun fact?  We’re too busy getting the ambulances on stand-by for when we celebrate July 4th, dammit.”

~AFFotD staff

As the cases of beers in your fridge and the excessive amounts of meat in your freezers are now doubt telling you, tomorrow is the goddamned 4th of July.  You’re going to be drunk on beer, fireworks, and more beer.  We will too.  The difference is that we love to pregame.  So we’re just going to bide our tie with…
Today’s American Day in American History (America Edition)

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American Presidential Home Brewers

“Gonna getchya drunk, bitches.”

~George Washington


We expect a lot from our Presidents.  Sign this bill, kill this terrorist, take a lengthy vacation, sign this other bill, cover up that murder committed by your cousin, give a presidential pardon to a turkey on Thanksgiving, it can be quite a chore.  And many American Presidents have had to find their own creative ways to let off some steam while on the job.  Richard Nixon had his voyeuristic taping habits.  Bill Clinton had chubby chicks.  Jimmy Carter would club homeless people over the head and trap them inside the drywall of houses made for the poor.

However, there is a little known Presidential hobby that is becoming increasingly popular, and results in a lot less collateral damage than Jimmy “My Kindly Southern Disposition Hides a Sinister Past” Carter.

That’s right.  Presidents like to brew beer.  USA!  USA!

“Osama’s dead!  I mean…beer!”

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AFFotD News Item: Man Consumes Only Beer For Lent

“Dude…I’m too tired to be mad at you.”

~J. Wilson’s Liver

Every so often, our research department comes across an article headline that screams “America.”  We usually look for certain buzz words.  “Alcohol.”  “Punching Animals.”  “Man Causes Forest Fire.”  The typical American-friendly topics.  That’s why, when we stumbled across this article, we saw America pouring out of every letter of the headline.

“Beer-Only Fast Ends With Bacon Smoothie.”

…Sorry, give us a moment, there’s a little bit of America in our eye…we just need to regain our composure…

“I’m just…so…happy…”

Obviously, this was a story that required all the due deference and measured realism that only a staff of zealous Americans with drinking problems and a penchant for dick jokes could truly tackle, so we’ve arrived on the scene to give a  brief summary of these actions that sound so American that they made the skeleton of George Washington just shotgun a beer.

Yes.  This.

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