Tag Archives: Fuck Nature

AFFotD Tries to be Tropical: The Ebola Virus

“Guys, guys, I got this.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

hot zone

Our writing staff had a bit too much to drink last night, and the night before, and God, like, the week before that and, well let’s just say they’re not in a state to write at the moment.  Most of us have a kind of existential hangover, you know the kind where it’s less “Oh man, I’m so hungover, I drank too much last night” and more, “Oh God, what am I doing to myself, oh why did I do this, what is life, what is my purpose”?  No?  Just us?

Anyway, since our Editor-in-Chief has the terrifying ability to bounce back from a night of drinking that rivals even the most accomplished college drinkers, he decided to take the reins and write you a little think piece in our new, borderline-pandering-for-cheap-page views segment, AFFotD Tries To Be Topical.  Enjoy.

And God, dim the monitor just a bit, that’s killing our eyes.  And get us a cup of coffee, will ya?  Ugh.  Never drinking that much again, we can tell you that much.

You’re right, that’s a bold-faced lie.  Anyway, to lighten the mood, here’s an article about how Ebola will not kill you, and you all need to calm the hell down.

AFFotD Tries to be Tropical:  The Ebola Virus

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Filed under Fuck Nature, Miscellaneous America

Harry Randall Truman: Unsuccessful Volcano Dodger

“Volcano Schmolcano.”

~Harry Randall Truman

 harry randall truman

Harry Truman was born in 1884.  He served in World War I before going into politics, where he became the 33rd President of the United States.  He held that office from 1945 to 1953, and he died at the age of 88 in 1972 in Kansas City, Missouri.  Harry Randall Truman was born twelve years later in West Virginia, also served in World War I, and went on to live a pretty similar life to his presidential namesake, only instead of leading the free world, he lived in a cabin near Mount St. Helens with 16 cats and got buried under hundreds of feet of mountain debris after stubbornly refusing to leave his home during the nation’s deadliest volcano eruption.  So, they’re pretty much the same dude.

And while there are hundreds of books about President Truman, there’s less literature on Harry Randall Truman, the man who became famous for a few months for saying, “Fuck you, volcano, come at me, bro,” until the volcano, you know.  Came at him.  Bro.  So let’s take a moment to recognize a proud American who loved his home while failing to fully comprehend how volcanoes worked.

Harry Randall Truman:  Unsuccessful Volcano Dodger

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Filed under Fuck Nature, The Best of the Rest

Wherein AFFotD Exalts Thanksgiving While Spurning Mother Nature Network’s Insidious Attempt To Feed America Vegetables

“No, no no no, please, I’ll say anything you want, just please stop making me eat these dishes, NOT ON THANKSGIVING GODDAMNIT!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Thanksgiving is one of the most incredible American holidays imaginable.  If you’re anything like our staff, you relish the opportunity to drink beer and watch football as your family members awkwardly assume outdated gender roles while you wait to get drunk enough to start lecturing your nieces and nephews about the unfair pricing practices of the local Filipino rub and tug massage parlor.  Listen, we’re just saying, given how much the happy ending costs, we’re pretty sure that tip should be included in the price already.  But we digress.

This is a wonderful time of year, a time where we can sit back and reflect on all the Indians we’ve brutally slaughtered in the past, and give thanks for the fact that turkeys are so ugly that they’re just begging to be beheaded, plucked, and put in an oven for half a day.

But sometimes, dark storm clouds gather over what should be a joyous day.  Maybe there’s a Lions fan in your family.  Maybe everyone tries another one of those pesky “interventions” because “when you drink you get angry and say hurtful things” which would mean, you know, no day drinking.  Or maybe, God forbid…a vegetarian somehow ends up being in charge of your food options.

So when we were made aware of this article by the Mother Nature Network entitled “5 Amazingly Tasty Vegetarian Thanksgiving Options” we couldn’t contain our bloodlust.  No turkey?  Really?  Fuck Mother Nature Network for even positing such a terrifying alternate reality.

Let’s take a look at this list.  May God have mercy on our souls. Continue reading

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Filed under Strange Foods

America Fun Fact of the Day 7/23- Saturday Image of the Week

“THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME!”

~A…book?  right?

We at America Fun Fact of the Day have a credo.  You may have heard of it.  It goes…fuck nature.  And here’s the thing.  When you have a common enemy, the best thing you can hope for?  That’s right.  You want them…TO DO BATTLE!

BEAR VERSUS TIGER!  No matter who wins…we win!

Have a great weekend everyone.  Congratulations to every American named Joe and Katie getting married today.

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Newman’s Day, Why Beer Comes in Cases

“No guys please don’t do th…”

~Paul Newman, American Hero


A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American.  To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.”  That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting.  Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances.  Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?

Never was there such a tale of woe…

Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you?  That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!)  And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration.  A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated.  A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero.  A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS!  IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”

We do, John.  We know all.

How much are you freaking out right now man!?

That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says).  Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.

The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? I think not.”  This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go.  Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”

“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.”  When did Google start getting so catty?

Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day.  So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…

AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day

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Science: “Let’s Get Bugs DRUNK!”

“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”

~Science

You know what’s boring?  Math and Science.  Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.

Stop hitting yourself.  Stop hitting yourself.

In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless.  Why should we care what an atom looks like?  And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet?  Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes.  Thanks, science!  Screw you, Cindy!

But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too.  While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways.  Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters?  To us?  Americans?

Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get  your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.

Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place

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Filed under Fuck Nature, Strange Alcohol

Nature’s Most Terrifying Insect Creations

“Fuck nature.”

~AFFotD, everyday

As Americans, and purveyors of facts that tend to be, for lack of a better word, fun, we have a strong hatred for nature in all forms.  We’d sooner chug bleach than eat “all natural” food, because at least we knew that mankind had a hand in making that bleach (Plus?  Surprisingly sweet, goes very well with a cheese platter).  When we read about the world’s largest tree (and tallest living thing) being found in America, standing at 378 feet, we don’t reflect in awe at how this tree has outlived many generations of man, and even America as a nation, we get pissed off that it’s probably protected now, and we can’t turn it into a comically large chest of drawers to put in some small Indiana town somewhere.

Yeah you BETTER run

But, our strong “anti-Nature” stance sometimes gets some negative feedback from people who think “We need to preserve the planet for future generations” and “It’s not good to laugh about how the honey bees are dying off, because that’s actually going to devastate our ecosystem and agriculture.”  But guess what?  Nature started it.  Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Susan Boyle, all of these are indestructible forces of nature that leaves nothing but shattered lives and broken dreams in their wake.  So why should we box with one hand behind our back?  As Nelson Muntz let us know regarding his pro-nuking-whales stance, “Gotta nuke something.”

This is not a war for the meek.  Nature has gone on the offensive, and it’s not just the direct assaults that we have to fear.  Nature’s representative, the Sandman, a distant cousin of Freddy Krueger, goes into our dreams at night and informs nature what are in our nightmares.  And then nature makes them real.

Nature makes them real.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU….”

So below, we must perform our terrifying duty of ensuring that every American is aware of the very real nightmares that nature has unleashed on this world, in an edition we call…

Kill it Kill it Please AFFotD Make the Bad Man Stop!:  A Pictorial Discussion on Why We Must Destroy Nature, Because Fuck Nature.

[Editor’s note:  WARNING:  While these images do not portray any violence, sexuality, or other things that would be considered NSFW, they do have a very real risk of bringing back buried nightmares, because nature is a massive douchebag, and has created these terrifying creatures to haunt us at every turn.  Discretion is advised.  Seriously.  Fuck nature.]

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Filed under America's Greatest Fun Facts, Fuck Nature