“My…heart…my…liver…tell…my family…it was worth it.”
~Consumers of fried alcohol
Ever since Reese’s came up with the groundbreaking decision that sweet things taste good with peanut butter, it’s been a commonly accepted practice in American culture to ignore “common sense” or “that pain in your chest” and combine things that are delicious, logic be damned. Do you like beer, and meat? Meatbeer! Do you like doughnuts, and hamburgers? Get that man a fucking Luther Burger! Do you like Taco Bell (read as: are currently drunk and on the way home from the bars) and Doritos? How the fuck have you not had a Doritos Locos Taco yet, that’s literally the sole reason why Taco Bell is still a viable fast food establishment! What is wrong with you!?
The point being, when America loves two things, like, say, a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle, we like to force them together through unholy acts and hope that we end up with a pleasing end result, like a Labradoodle. Well, guess what. We love fried food. And we love booze. We think you can guess where this is going.
We’re going to get a Labradoodle drunk and then feed it a shitload of fried food.
Wait, what’s that? Oh, no, we’re just going to tell you about people who deep fry alcohol. Yeah, that sounds pretty good, let’s do that.
7 Boozy Deep-Fried Alcohol Treats
(photo courtesy of thrillist)
“Arteries…closing…tell my family…yum…”
~AFFotD’s (Former) Intern Food Taster
If you’ve ever been to this site, you’ve probably realized that we talk a lot (and we mean a lot) about fried foods. Seriously, just look at the top of the page and hover your mouse over “America’s Culinary Treats.” Yup, there it is, third item down. Of course, the reason why we talk about fried food so often is that America does fried food better than anyone, and we have more revolutionary breakthroughs in fried food technology than the human genome project.
Naturally, state fairs and carnivals are where the newest, most insane fried foods come out to play, and this year’s Texas State Fair was no exception. So, we’re here to give you a partial list of the most insane fried foods to be featured this year, because it’s been five hours since your last fried food dish, and you’re starting to get the shakes.
The Craziest Fried Foods of the 2013 State Fair of Texas
“It’s been so long since we’ve talked about fried foods, my Cholesterol levels have almost gone done to healthy levels. Almost.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Fried food. Crunchy goodness. Grease’s children. The culinary manifestation of a fat man punching himself in the heart. Whatever you call it, battering food and dipping it in boiling oil is as American as apple pie, assuming that you battered the apple pie and immersed it in boiling oil beforehand. We’ve documented the cutting edge of American fried foods six times before, but it’s been about a year since we’ve sat down and scoured the dumpsters of our nation’s state fairs to find the latest in delicious food that technically can be considered a murder weapon in several of our more obese states. And that is far too long to go without terrifyingly complex fried foods.
So grab onto your nutritionist’s desperate letters urging you to, “Stop, for the love of God, do you have a death wish?” because things are about to get a little unhealthy.
America’s Craziest Fried Foods: 2013 Edition
Several months ago, AFFotD risks arterial integrity to inform you, the hopefully soon-to-be-morbidly-obese American, about the glory that is unhealthy, generally Deep-Fried Carnival food. And while this list did help cover the basics, such as telling you about hamburgers with Deep-Fried doughnuts instead of buns, as well as creating a few butter fetishists out there, we feel that our list was missing a few key Deep-Fried components.
Yes that is a Deep-Fried shoe.
As summer makes a point to cover Americans in a fine sheen of sweat, Americans make it their duty to ensure that this sweat will be at least 75% grease. AFFotD can feel your pain, as all too often do Americans accidentally mistake baby carrots for Cheetos and consume their yearly allotment of vegetables (read as: One vegetable is too much). And for every time you’ve been tricked into drinking fruit and vegetable juice by the evil V8 corporation, we at AFFotD make it our duty to make sure you can balance that shit out with food items so unhealthy that heart attacks don’t even eat them, saying, “Woah there, that’s a bit too rich for my tastes.”
To which a true American of course would respond, “OM NOM NOM, belch” to the following foods.