“Fireworks! Beer! Quick fuses! America!”
~Independence Day Revelers
Today is America’s birthday, in the sense that we’re looking for any reason to arbitrary get drunk and shoot off fireworks, so the day that we sent out a declaration of war to England seems like as good of a time as any to do that. We expect nothing more on this day than you to be grilling brats, chugging beer, and setting off fireworks that are suspiciously aimed towards the windows of your Vegetarian neighbors, all while you project this very webpage onto the largest wall you can find.
Well, we’ve got our own barbeques to be hitting up, but we love you almost as much as we love America, so we figured we might as well give you a handy guide…
AFFotD’s Guide To Independence Day
“Two days off in a row is sort of cutting it a little close, though…”
~Still your boss
As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, this week will be devoted to discussing the importance of Holidays in American culture. We’re going to keep that going today with the most American Federal Holidays that you don’t have to go to work for, because America’s got your back.
“…I actually like holidays a bit myself.”
Back in the 2004, as we were relishing in the early-mid-aughties, a song came out that had lyrics we found particularly inspiring. “It’s so much better on holiday/ that’s why we only work/ when we need the money.” These American words, written by Franz Ferdinand (oh shit wait they’re from Glasgow, uh, shit shit uh, how about…) AC/DC really sum up the mindset of a nation that founded by a holiday (the 4th of July) and uses holidays to celebrate everything from the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who were acting like they owned the land they had lived on for generations (Columbus Day) to the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who had the audacity to try to tell us how to grow corn (Thanksgiving). You stick the seed in the ground, we’re pretty sure we can take it from here, now give us New York please.
Yeah that’s about right
Of course, the origins of holidays have very little to do with their American purpose. Cinco De Mayo used to be a mild celebration over a battle that the Mexican army won in 1862, but now it’s a way for us to celebrate getting drunk on Tequila while letting American school children worry school officials by wearing in-your-face American flag paraphernalia. In the long run, if it gets us out of work, or school, we don’t really care too much about the origin of holidays. Non-Christians that complain about the fact that they “have” to take a day off of work on Christmas are the grown-up equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who demands that the teacher give the class a pop quiz. No one has ever liked them, because they’re annoying, now take your free day and like it.
So with that in mind, and in honor of today being the Fourth of July, this week AFFotD will present for you a a week devoted to the discussion of the American qualities of each Holiday. We’re here to start with every Federal (ie, public offices are closed by it) holiday, and rank them in terms of their Americanness, from worst to first.
“You want us to do a fun fact? We’re too busy getting the ambulances on stand-by for when we celebrate July 4th, dammit.”
As the cases of beers in your fridge and the excessive amounts of meat in your freezers are now doubt telling you, tomorrow is the goddamned 4th of July. You’re going to be drunk on beer, fireworks, and more beer. We will too. The difference is that we love to pregame. So we’re just going to bide our tie with…
Today’s American Day in American History (America Edition)