“Eww? Right, that should be my response? Eww? I still want to try them.”
~American Oreo Consumers
Oreos are great. We’ve discussed in some length the history of the company, and some of their more interesting products (here’s looking at you, Football Oreos) in the past, but we feel like we have to really bring that point home because sometimes it’s hard to remember exactly how good Oreos are. Whenever an American sees a full glass of milk, they instinctively try to twist open an Oreo even if they’re not even holding one. That’s called conditioning, and it was invented by a bell-maker named Pavlov. Though, despite the fact that Oreos are a timeless classic, the past few years have seen a slew of “Limited-time” flavors appear that range from “not chocolate and cream” to “no, seriously, why are you making Oreos that are flavored anything other than chocolate and cream?” It’s gotten to the point that we at AFFotD feel it’s time to step in and take a hard look at some of the odd varieties of Oreos that people have flocked to Target to buy. Every single one of them shouldn’t work…and honestly, probably don’t. But you have to at least give Nabisco credit for trying. Even if they’re tampering with perfection.
The Grossest Oreos To Hit American Shelves
“Coffee coffee coffee coffee.”
~So-called “morning people”
People like to say that coffee is the most consumed drug in America, which is part of the reason why most heroin users think the rest of us are giant pussies. Calling coffee a drug is like calling hamburgers a serial killer. You can stretch the definition enough for it to be technically true, but everyone is still going to roll their eyes at you. Yeah, it’s addictive, but so is pornography, and people don’t call that a drug. So ease up, okay?
Yes, coffee is an integral part of the American office experience, and if it didn’t exist our nation’s productivity would slow to a crawl (unless cocaine started to become big again). But some people might not like the taste of coffee, and filling your caffeine delivery system with sugar and cream might get boring after a while.
So how would a non-coffee drinking American overcome this hurdle? How can they get the necessary caffeine to get them through the day if they don’t like the glorious bitterness that is a freshly brewed cup of coffee? Do they drink tea? Do they try cutting down on their caffeine intake, instead just getting through the day on their own natural energy afforded them through a combination of a healthy diet and good sleeping habits?
Fuck that, let’s just make coffee that doesn’t taste like coffee!
The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America