Tag Archives: Conspiracy Theory

America’s Whackiest Obscure Whack Job Conspiracy Theories

“Oh my God, you’re crazy, and we love it.”

~AFFotD staff-writers to conspiracy theorists

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So here’s a story.  We wrote, a few years back, an article about the Kentucky Meat Shower of 1876.  It’s a relatively obscure “ha, what?” event that’s slightly less well known among your average American than, say, the London Beer Flood of 1814.  Now, recently, the Kentucky Meat Shower has gotten some additional traffic, which is very cool for us because it means we get to buy more expensive whiskeys for next week, or at the very least a gold chalice to drink it from.  However, it also started a bit of a conversation in the comments section with an individual who, as far as we can tell, believes that a cloaked alien spaceship that’s 5 miles wide grows human babies as if they were corn to harvest their lung tissue, which is compatible with their species, and a “batch” went bad and had to be dumped, which lead to the Kentucky Meat Shower.

Make no mistake about it, this is a crazy thing to say.  This is the kind of thing that a crazy person would say to someone while fully believing that they are not crazy, even though they are.  Crazy.  So very fucking crazy.  We were obviously amused by it (because of the crazy) and terrified by it (when they got to saying “what’s so evil about grinding up babies” we had to get the fuck out of there) but it led us to a realization.

There are a lot of total amazing whack job conspiracies out there.  And we should talk about them.  So let’s do that.

America’s Whackiest Obscure Whack Job Conspiracy Theories

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The Conspiracy Theorist’s Guide to Groceries

“Hatchets were invented by Aliens to trick the Navajo into alcoholism!”

~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy Theorist


A few months back we introduced you to one of our more…eccentric writers in the AFFotD office.  Francis Firegrove has some…well, interesting thoughts that thankfully are easy to ignore.  Hell, it livens up our lunch break to no end just watching Firegrove rung around swatting cantaloupes out of people’s hands screaming, “NO IT’S MADE OF LISTERIA!” (…wait what?  He’s actually right about that?  Haha, holy shit).

Of course, the problem with hiring a certified nutjob is that, on occasion, you have to…well, let him speak.  Contractually.  In retrospect, we don’t really know what we were on when we decided to add Firegrove to our staff…

Ha, oh right.

Well, either way, we might as well get this over with.  If we don’t get Firegrove an article each calendar month, he technically becomes the majority owner of AFFotD.  Yeah we don’t know the legality of that either, but this is the last time we’re writing a contract on the back of a Denny’s menu, we’ll tell you that.

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