“The government is contaminating the groundwater with Billy Joel songs!”
~Francis Firegrove, AFFotD Conspiracy theorist
America is full of crazy people, and that’s something to be proud of. Why’s that? Because completely normal, sane people are incredibly boring. Plus they’re the most likely to snap and commit terrible atrocities. Look at the Mormons, for God’s sake. So yes, we love the fact that America has insane conspiracy theorists who decide to inform us about how the President of the United States is actually part turtle, or that the US Senate are a group of men and women that only exist in the mind of a 5 year old autistic child. Because, if nothing else, it keeps things interesting around here.
There’s got to be a debt ceiling joke in there, right?
So while we might not agree with certain conspiracy theories, like vapor trails being the governments way to poison all of its citizens, we still get a kick out of hearing them. So that’s why today’s AFFotD will be written by a very special guest, Francis Firegrove, our resident tin-foil hat maker/conspiracy theory expert. Take it away, Francis.
“Wow…we kinda called it we guess?”
~Trey Parker and Matt Stone
The past 24 hours have been a whirlwind of news, commentary, and discussion regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden. After nearly ten years of being the most wanted man on the planet, Osama was tried for charges of being Osama Bin Laden, where he was found guilty. It was a pretty short trial. No doubt, literally dozens of Americans turned to AFFotD yesterday expecting a hard hitting take on the death of the world’s largest Dickweed. Instead, you were treated to a discussion of Andrew Johnson being sworn in as Vice-President while stinking drunk.
“That’s all well and good,” you all thought. “But dammit, where is my Osama Bin Laden coverage!?” Well, we can understand your confusion, but we figured it was best to wait a day before doing a fun fact on the death of a man who is such an asshole that proctologists use a scale model of his face to learn how to check for Hernias. So, we chose to wait a day, spending our time reflecting on the moral ambiguity of celebrating the death of an individual doing a lot of celebration drinking.
As such a huge event in American history, it’s a lot to take in.
Our sentiment exactly, Mr. Hester.
But now, we are here to fight through the hangover, and give you all a thorough, in depth discussion of this momentous occasion, as we present…
AFFotD’s Look into the Death of Osama Bin Laden