~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season
Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia. Well, liquor as well. And definitely presents. Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents. Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit. Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.
With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH! ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country. But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk. After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together? With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…
The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game
“You’re not American if you didn’t cry at the end of ‘Field of Dreams’ or after reading the last panel of the last Calvin and Hobbes strip.”
~Official AFFotD Employee Manual
It’s a common misconception that comic strips are only meant for children. Sure, most comics are created with children in mind, but really, the only difference between a sober child and a drunk American is height and reflex time. And it’s a common consensus that if you ask most Americans what the greatest comic strip of all time is, they’ll either say “Peanuts,” “Calvin and Hobbes” or “No, that’s it, those are the only two acceptable responses.”
Calvin and Hobbes raised a generation of Americans, and helped usher the age of the “Children’s entertainment that was literate and accessible for adults” trend that unfortunately was replaced with “Uhhh what the hell is this trippy shit?” It ran for only 10 years, which meant it only was around for 1/5 of the time as “Peanuts” but which also meant that it was featured in infinity times less MetLife commercials. The first Calvin and Hobbes appeared in 1985 when its creator, Bill Watterson, was only 27 years old.
Bill Watterson was able to create two of the most endearing characters in American literary history, and despite the fact that he is a little crazy, he managed to craft an American masterpiece, which many of AFFotD staff members use as influence in their everyday lives.
Here is a list of ways that Calvin and Hobbes has left its indelible mark on American culture.
“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine? Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American. Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers? Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas. Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write? The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again. But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.” They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath. Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner. It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die. This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently! Fuuuuuuuuuck!
THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article. A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA! THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.” And may God have mercy on their souls.