“December. On the plus side- Christmas. On the down side- winter.”
December has come, meaning that winter is fast approaching. Unless you live south of the equator, but truth be told we’re not 100% convinced that anyone actually lives down there. So as we brace for the winter, we take comfort in spending the cold months with our friends, loved ones, and whiskey was the second thing we just said.
And of course you will have fun facts to get you through these harsh winter months. Well not today though. Today we’re half-assing it again so we can present…
Today’s Date in American History (America Version)
If America and Japan were listed in a relationship on facebook (and if they were 15 years old) it would absolutely say “It’s Complicated.” Japan not only attacked Pearl Harbor, they did so in a way to inspire Michael Bay to make a movie about it, while America got back at them by dropping two atomic bombs on them. But despite the animosities of the past, Japan has always had a vested interest in Western Culture, and in many ways has tried to emulate and mimic the practices of European and American cultures.
Unfortunately, this is the origin of the phrase, “Goddamn it Japan, you’re doing it wrong!” When the West started brutally Imperializing other countries, Japan took it to uncomfortable levels by trying to make the Korean language illegal. When the West started making warplanes, Japan decided to turn them into suicidal fireballs. When Japan noticed that the West has rounder eyes, they started mutilating themselves to look less Asian.
Thankfully, there’s always been a cultural gap between America and Japan. While we spend our time trying to find ways to replace bread with fried chicken in sandwich preparation, Japan tries to make steak out of fecal matter. While we invented the Internet, Japan invented roughly 60% of the creepier porn that goes on it.
However, we at AFFotD have just discovered that Japan might be gearing up for a cultural war with America by doing what America does best without adding tentacles. It’s a terrifying time for all of us. These are the stakes.
CULTURE WAR: Burger King in Japan Tries To Out-America America
“Ha! Your meatloaf has ground up glass in it! April Fools’!”
~The World’s Best Prankster (now serving 25-to-life at a Federal Penitentiary)
Enjoy the seizures
The America Fun Fact of the Day office loves April Fools’. That probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you who started reading while anxiously waiting for a terrifying monster face to pop up on the screen like those pranks that terrify little children on the youtube videos. You, the reader, don’t have to be too concerned about any pranks in today’s post of course- we save most of our energy messing with local law enforcement and personal enemies. Though, we did contaminate one batch of California grown spinach with a pretty nasty case of E. Coli, so next time you want to make spinach dip, and you start feeling like you need to go to the hospital, then April Fools’! Ha ha!
Is it worth the risk? Probably, that shit’s delicious
So don’t worry about being pranked while reading this, unless you’re reading this while peeling open a fresh naval orange (just one poisoned batch, that’s all it takes to panic the shit out of people). And the ambulances might be tied up, depending on where you are, since most of our local branches have been performing “Shit the Joker did in The Dark Knight” type “pranks” all day long, so the emergency crews are going to have their hands full. God, we love this day.
But we are not here to cause mischief to you, loyal readers. In fact, we’re here to give you…
The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to April Fools’ Day: A History