Tag Archives: Bourbon

Five Delicious Culinary Treats Made Out Of Bourbon

“I want this inside me.”

~Internal AFFotD Memo

bourbon

For most Americans, the only complaint they can think of regarding alcohol is that you can’t drink and eat it at the same time.  Of course, professional booze hounds throughout the nation know that this isn’t entirely true, and some of you have already discovered and happily devoured various alcohol-laced treat after a fulfilling meal/binge drinking session.

But if you’re an American hoping to eat your booze in a delicious manner, there’s only one base liquor you can allow yourself to seek.  Bourbon.  Giver of life, taker of brain cells, more American than apple pie bourbon.  You can go ahead and thank us in advance for introducing these to your life.

Five Delicious Culinary Treats Made Out Of Bourbon

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$200,000 seems about right for a bottle of Scotch, right?

“For this much money I can get drunk 3 million times, easily.”

~The average American liver

 

America loves spending too much money on pointless status items.  Why?  Well, flashy, extremely expensive items help tell the average American that they are in the presence of a wealthy, important person with very poorly functioning genitalia, for one.  But there’s one area where AFFotD staff has to draw the line, and that’s where obnoxiously overpriced liquor comes into play.

Now we’re not saying that there’s anything wrong with an NBA star spending the enough money to buy a house just for a night out in Vegas, but maybe we’re just too cold and calculating when it comes to liquor.  Bottle service is for douchebags, and we can’t help but shake the feeling that something is wrong about a bunch of Wall Street brokers spending 300 bucks for a bottle of Grey Goose that would cost them 28 bucks in the seedy liquor store down the street.  Not that we don’t approve of flashing some green to try to get laid, but as Americans, when we see someone order bottle service we just thing, “they can get ten times as drunk using that much money.”

As far as America goes, the drunker you can get for your dollar, the better.  That’s why we spend most Friday nights pouring nail polisher into a Brita Filter.  Which is why we had a moment of pause when we discovered that the company Royal Salute (who aren’t American) decided to make a bottle of Scotch (which, also, not American) that costs $200,000.

Holy hell.  Well, let’s try to put this into more sensible drunk statistics for you.  Because when we first heard about this, we thought, “Holy shit, that’s awesome,” until we realized how much Pappy Van Winkle that can buy for that same amount.  And then we got mad.  But then we got drunk, so now we’re just going to make fun of things.

Artist’s Rendition

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[REDACTED] Does Labor Day

“You hear me?  I’m not fucking around with soccer this time, assholes!”

~Redacted

Everyone has a whipping boy.  Bart Simpson has Milhouse,  Linguini has spaghetti.  America has Canada.  AFFotD has…[REDACTED].  The last few times you’ve heard from him we strapped him to an operating table like a convicted rapist in the Clockwork Orange universe and made him live-blog some women’s soccer games.  Yes, we are particularly cruel, but what would you expect from someone who made his AFFotD eating fucking vegan food?

But there’s only so much you can push someone before they snap.  And we’ve seen enough drunken beach invasions to know what happens when [REDACTED] snaps on us.  So we try to keep him happy.  Throw him a bone once or twice.

Here’s a step-by-step description of [REDACTED]‘s Labor Day.  It’s good to be the king.

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The American History of Coleslaw

“It’s always a touch decision between that, the Mac and Cheese, and the mashed potatoes, isn’t it?”

~Colonel Sanders


One of the most widely available and American acceptable “salads” also happens to be the most secretive.  Much like a Jeremy Piven character in a John Cusack Romantic Comedy, Coleslaw is always there but rarely thought about.  But this is a food that sits alongside American food champions like Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, and Fried Chicken, while managing to break past it’s “vegetable-based” roots and be fairly unhealthy for you when done right, and it’s Wikipedia page has less information than the entry on Paris Hilton’s products and endorsements.  It’s a damn shame, because any food drowned in mayonnaise deserves to be known.  That is why we here at AFFotD are making it our duty to present to you…

The American History of Coleslaw

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Appendectomies, the American Surgery

“I got this cool scar, AND I get to miss a week of school.”

~Oh, no one you’ve heard of.  Just Bart Motherfucking Simpson


Everyone is born with extra parts added to their body.  Americans have a secondary liver that primarily filters out bourbon and whiskey.  Canadians have a gland that makes their names legally have to be “Rupert.”  French people are born with tails.  Many of these extra, generally nation-specific, extra pieces have their value (Canadians like the name “Rupert” as it is bland and unthreatening, American’s need to get drunk more, and it’s always good to be reminded that French people are rats).  But every once in a while, humans are born with pointless junk that we just don’t need.  Wisdom teeth, nose hair, elbows, all of these just get in the way of important things like eating, smelling, and rolling down hills.

“DAMN YOU EVOLUTION!”

Of all these useless digits and doo-dads, there is one particular component that actually depletes your Americanness, and as a result it’s gotta be scooped out of your body.  That would be the appendix, which seeps miniscule amounts of Anti-America that, when you become American enough, will cause a pain in your side.  This is called “Appendicitis” which of course is latin for “This is America dammit, GET OUTTA MY BODY YOU DAMN FOREIGNERS.”  At that point doctors have to come by to snip the bastard out there.  Most patients, upon receiving an appendectomy, find that their sense of America goes up roughly 15%.  Taking out your appendicitis is literally the most American thing you can do to your body next to getting an American flag tattooed to your fucking face.

“I…I have buyer’s remorse.”

So without further ado, we at AFFotD are here to look into the American benefits of Appendectomies.

Pictured above:  Appendectomy.

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Three)

“Who even gives a shit about August 26th being Women’s Equality Day, huh?  What kind of bullshit is that?

~National Dog Day, which occurs on August 26th

As we saw in yesterday’s Fun Fact, Holidays are pretty cool.  Even the lame holidays are fine in our book, so long as we get a day off from them.  However, there are many holidays in America that you can get the day off in certain parts of the country, but not everywhere else, mainly because Alabama wants to act all douchey by giving a day off for “Confederacy Day.”

Yeah, that makes sense.  “Oh, we lost a war, let’s reward ourselves with a day off from school.”  That’d be like England taking a day off to celebrate losing the Revolutionary War, only the Brits would at least have the good sense to call it the, “Oh Blimey, We Bollocks Up the Wanker With This One” Day or whatever the fuck because everything that British people say sounds fucking ridiculous.

“Oh I hobgobbed the  wobbler in the lift with the wassbots, blah blah Fish and Chips.”  We’re pretty sure she just ordered a bomb strike on Grenada with that sentence.

With that in mind, AFFotD is here to continue our discussion of American Holidays, with a look at some of the more tenuous excuses to give people a day off from school around the nation.  This list, as always will be in order of least American to most American. Continue reading

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Okay, So We Were Taken Hostage Again, Goddamn It Anyway

“Our locksmith is so fired.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay, well that at least has been sorted out.  Finally.  Took a few days, but the AFFotD offices are 100% hostage-takers-free.  We’ve even cleaned up the Ukrainian Blood.  Do you know how hard Ukrainian blood is to get out?  So hard.

Obviously, many readers were quite worried a few days ago when we posted a desperate plea for help from the staff’s broom closet (it’s the most American broom closet you can imagine.  The mop bucket uses bourbon instead of water) letting you all know that we had, yet again, been kidnapped by some God.  Damn.  Ukrainians.

Gone were our attack monkeys (fuck you, PETA), gone were our chainsaw-nun-chucks (stupid government regulations), gone were our automated defense systems (…actually that was our bad, we totally forgot to pay the electricity bill last month).

All we had were our wits.  Well, that and an army of nameless interns to send on suicidal missions.  Their screams will haunt us for the rest of our days.

We’re still trying to get things back to operational capacity here, but we did have a few of our more semi-literate staff members describing their experience as it was happening through various journal entries.  We know, ugh, that’s just the fucking worst. So here is…

AFFotD Staff Members Write About Their Feelings and Shit, When Shit Gets Real

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Bourbon is Still Delicious

“Our shit might not be that good, but you’d still suckle it like a calf at her mamma’s tit after going long enough without any other type of bourbon…”

~Jim “Gotchya Drunk” Beam


AFFotD has spent time in the past discussing the glorious American spirit known as Bourbon, and after a thousand words you’d probably have assumed we were done talking about it.  Well, you assumed wrong.  Much like the shakes most Americans get in the morning after they wake up but before they shotgun their first beer in the shower, we were starting to have some bad withdrawal from covering so many topics that weren’t whiskey or bourbon related.  Every day that went by with us talking about the goddamn Rapture, glorious old-timey mustaches, or poop felt like the moment of resigned clarity each American faces when they wake up to find that the so-called “people who care about” them had cleared out their liquor cabinets, just before the delirium tremens sets in.  America is full of epic alcoholics, is what we’re trying to say.

We think it’s safe to assume that most of you reading this assumed we were referring to the beer, and not the horrific side effect of alcohol withdrawal.

We missed talking about bourbon, and you missed (drink) having AFFotD (drink) write articles that very (drink) subtly and subliminally (drink) told you to go out and drink (…d..drink).    That’s why we are here to add…

AFFotD’s Appendix to the Original Guide to Bourbon (in America)

 

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Calvin and Hobbes is America’s Greatest Comic Strip

“You’re not American if you didn’t cry at the end of ‘Field of Dreams’ or after reading the last panel of the last Calvin and Hobbes strip.”

~Official AFFotD Employee Manual


It’s a common misconception that comic strips are only meant for children.  Sure, most comics are created with children in mind, but really, the only difference between a sober child and a drunk American is height and reflex time.  And it’s a common consensus that if you ask most Americans what the greatest comic strip of all time is, they’ll either say “Peanuts,” “Calvin and Hobbes” or “No, that’s it, those are the only two acceptable responses.”

Calvin and Hobbes raised a generation of Americans, and helped usher the age of the “Children’s entertainment that was literate and accessible for adults” trend that unfortunately was replaced with “Uhhh what the hell is this trippy shit?”  It ran for only 10 years, which meant it only was around for 1/5 of the time as “Peanuts” but which also meant that it was featured in infinity times less MetLife commercials.  The first Calvin and Hobbes appeared in 1985 when its creator, Bill Watterson, was only 27 years old.

Bill Watterson was able to create two of the most endearing characters in American literary history, and despite the fact that he is a little crazy, he managed to craft an American masterpiece, which many of AFFotD staff members use as influence in their everyday lives.

Here is a list of ways that Calvin and Hobbes has left its indelible mark on American culture.

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Wherein AFFotD Discovers an Erroneous Discussion of America’s Greatness By a Dastardly Foe of the Moniker “The Health Ranger” Who Threatens Our Very Way of American Excellence Through Cowardly Ideals

“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great.  Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it).  But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness.  An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live:  Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument.  But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News?  Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.

First of all…nature?  Fuck nature.  How many times do we have to say that?  Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book.  But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner.  Do you see what we see?  CHINESE!?  SPIES!  THEY’RE SPIES!  When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.

So right off the bat, we have some concerns.  Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green.  Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America.  Why did he throw the word “still” in there?  It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer.  We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.

“Ha ha!  Plausible Deniability!”

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