“For this much money I can get drunk 3 million times, easily.”
~The average American liver
America loves spending too much money on pointless status items. Why? Well, flashy, extremely expensive items help tell the average American that they are in the presence of a wealthy, important person with very poorly functioning genitalia, for one. But there’s one area where AFFotD staff has to draw the line, and that’s where obnoxiously overpriced liquor comes into play.
Now we’re not saying that there’s anything wrong with an NBA star spending the enough money to buy a house just for a night out in Vegas, but maybe we’re just too cold and calculating when it comes to liquor. Bottle service is for douchebags, and we can’t help but shake the feeling that something is wrong about a bunch of Wall Street brokers spending 300 bucks for a bottle of Grey Goose that would cost them 28 bucks in the seedy liquor store down the street. Not that we don’t approve of flashing some green to try to get laid, but as Americans, when we see someone order bottle service we just thing, “they can get ten times as drunk using that much money.”
As far as America goes, the drunker you can get for your dollar, the better. That’s why we spend most Friday nights pouring nail polisher into a Brita Filter. Which is why we had a moment of pause when we discovered that the company Royal Salute (who aren’t American) decided to make a bottle of Scotch (which, also, not American) that costs $200,000.
Holy hell. Well, let’s try to put this into more sensible drunk statistics for you. Because when we first heard about this, we thought, “Holy shit, that’s awesome,” until we realized how much Pappy Van Winkle that can buy for that same amount. And then we got mad. But then we got drunk, so now we’re just going to make fun of things.