“Beer beer, the wonderful brew, the more you drink it, the more you spew.”
~Ancient Chinese Proverb
Last week we introduced our newest weekly segment, “This Week in Beer,” where we detailed the latest trends in beer. We don’t mean to overstate its impact on your life, but we spent a few paragraphs berating the government for shutting down, leaving breweries unable to get new recipes or labels approved, and six hours after we submitted the article, the government opened again. That’s right. Remember, when everyone in America wakes up to find a pony in their front yard that has been given to them as a gift by their local Congressman, you can thank us for telling them to do that (or you can shout, “What the fuck, AFFotD, my apartment is going to be covered in pony shit” which is totally a valid response. We really didn’t think this whole pony plan through, to be honest).
An educated American is a drunk American, so we’re going to continue our quest to give you all the most relevant beer news you can, because you’re far too sober for a Tuesday right now.
Many Americans who were not terrified of clowns grew up watching Bozo. He was funny, original, and just an E away from being Booze. But of all the catchphrases and gags from the Bozo Show, one aspect sticks out as the most American game that every child wanted to play.
The Grand Prize Game!
That child just tossed money at the buckets while saying, “Go clean yourself up.”
The Grand Prize game is so unabashedly American its buckets have been used for waterboarding. The Grand Prize Game is such a fantastical icon we’re honestly afraid to do a google search and see if it’s been rule 34’d yet…
Oh Goddamn it!
Yup, the Grand Prize Game was the glorious prize game that everyone wanted to play. Some of you might even have met people who got to participate in the Grand Prize Game, and that literally made them celebrities in your mind.
So, in respect of the a game so great it has “grand” right there in the damn name, here is…
AFFotD’s Breakdown of the American Qualities of the Grand Prize Game
“You’re never gonna take me alive, AFFotD fuckers!” ~[REDACTED]
Our undercover investigative journalist, [REDACTED] has been through a lot. We forced him to eat at a Vegan restaurant, which is the very reason why we can’t in good conscience list his name here, then after a quick apology party we got him to sign over, essentially, his soul. We made him write about cricket, and about opera, and finally, he snapped.
We didn’t hear a word from him for a week, until our specially calibrated American hunting dogs found an unusually large amount of America around the Chicagoland area. Sure enough, that’s where [REDACTED] had been hiding out. After we sent in the hounds (ha ha, don’t worry, they weren’t really hounds. They were more of a wolves/huskie hybrid) we were able to bring in [REDACTED] and get his story behind his one week spent, as he put it, “Trying to get my America back on, you cocksuckers.”
“Violence is never the correct method to enlightenment. I have been the victim of slings and arrows but I knew to take them in stride. Men have attacked me, provoked me, and have I turned the other cheek. But house rules say we are allowed to re-rack mid-turn, so you’d better give me Bozo Buckets before I fucking end you.”
As Americans age, they find that their sensibilities and lifestyle might soften. Some of us settle down and start a family. Some of us wait until kickoff to start drinking, instead of waking up at 6AM to pregame properly. Still others feel less motivation to travel to Africa to slay lions with their bare hands, and instead stay in America to hunt coyotes. However, there is one American activity that, though associated primarily with college students, remains fondly in the hearts of all American Champions. Never will we tire of it, and never will we abandon it. It is no mere game, it is a way of life, and a testament to our American abilities and ingenuity.