Tag Archives: Baseball

May 16, 2013 · 9:24 AM

America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names

“I feel more connected to my team and engaged in this sporting event for reasons totally unrelated to arousal!”

~American Males Watching Cheerleaders at a Sporting Event

Nothing celebrates the flower of American womanhood quite like cheerleading.  We take athletic, energetic, scantily clad women, and have them hypnotize predominantly male audiences at sporting events into learning how to spell team names.  We also decided to create a bitter, occasionally violent, rivalry between them and girl volleyball players, because hey, cat fight.  It’s a beautiful tradition that our nation embraces wholeheartedly, and it’s what separates us from the goddamn Europeans. However, the names of most of these teams are so embarrassing that those of us with a weak stomach for poorly misplaced puns sometimes question if it’s even worth it.  That’s why we’re here, with the help of some outside research from an intrepid AFFotD supporter who felt that “the people HAVE to know” to run down the best and worst of the Cheer Squad names in America.  Well, it’s more like the so-so and the worst.  Okay most of them are just plain awful.  Let’s move on and post some pictures of women not wearing a lot of clothing to skyrocket the page views for this sucker then, shall we?

America’s Best (And Worst) Cheer Squad Team Names

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August 8, 2012 · 12:01 AM

AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

“Take me out to the…oh God, I’m so drunk right now…”

~Harry Caray

 

Baseball is an American pastime that is surprisingly similar to our love of cool-whip based salads—other nations might not understand why we love it so much, but that just serves to remind us why we’re the best nation in the world and every other nation is a bunch of defense-budget-ignoring pansies.  Yes, baseball is a uniquely American sport that somehow still maintains its popularity despite taking three-to-four hours to play a game in an era where attention spans are so short they oh look spaghetti!

Still, Americans love baseball, and have followed it from its booze-and-coke filled beginnings, throughout its amphetamines-binging phase in the 70s and 80s, and all the way through its current steroids-and-oh-yeah-still-sometimes-coke-incarnation.  And why the fascination with a sport where every player spends the majority of the game in a stationary position?  Well, it helps that going to a ballgame is the most American activity one can skip work for.

It is with that intrepid American spirit that we gather our resources (get drunk and watch a baseball game) to give you the appropriate guide with all you’d need to know about going to a baseball game.  Because summer will be over soon, and we don’t want to hear you bitching about how you wish you had gone outside more.

AFFotD’s Guide To Going To Baseball Games

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November 2, 2011 · 12:01 AM

Wade Boggs Drinks ALL Your Beers

“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers.  It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”

~Wade Boggs


Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns.  The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk.  If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated.  As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are.  In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.

Even today’s superstars leave something lacking.  Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna?  That’s a bad way to go.  Think about that.  The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating…  This.

“EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk.  That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.

Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking

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August 24, 2011 · 12:01 AM

Aloysius Stanislaus Travers- America’s Worst Professional Player Of All Time

“No, guys, I’m trying to tell ya, I’m not very good at baseball.  No, stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke!”

~Reverand Aloysius Stanislaus Travers, 1912


Baseball is a paradoxical sport.  It has the fewest physical demands, the least physical risk, yet the most high-profile injuries and steroid abusers.  It’s suffered strike-shortened seasons, rampant cocaine use, and even Jose Conseco and lived to tell the tale.  But, much like medicine, most things in America during the early 20th century were ridiculous.  Baseball was no different.  1912 in baseball was full of only-decent-athletes, strange rules, and blatant bigotry.

Mainly the bigotry thing though.

That is how one of the biggest racist best baseball player of All-Time helped a future Reverend who couldn’t make it on an amateur baseball team start, and complete, a professional league game.  Oh, he got absolutely rocked, absolutely rocked, but it’s still a nice story in America being crazy enough you know better than to fuck with us.

The Forest Whitaker Eyes.

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August 11, 2011 · 12:01 AM

Bill Veeck Loved Midgets

“Midget!  Midget midget midget!”

~Bill Veeck


If there’s one complaint people have about baseball, it would be that it’s too straight laced.  That is, if they have a complaint about baseball.  That’s usually because baseball players only show a lot of effort for short periods of time before resting a while.  It’s the only sport that has a bench that doesn’t require a bench, because honestly, when was the last time you saw a guy walk to the dugout and need to rest his legs?

Photo unrelated

But if there was one man out there that understood how to jazz up Baseball and take an American sport even more American by adding something crazy, it would be the great Bill Veeck, a man who saw a sport that could be stuffy and uninviting and decided to liven the hell out of it, likely saying, “We gotta do something to make this game more exciting.  You know, something like a midget baseball player.  Well, not a midget baseball player, but you get the idea, something like that.”

“Dammit, fine let’s just go with it.”

Yes, Bill Veeck was a unique brand of MLB baseball team owner.  While some owners might have their team involved in messy divorce court proceedings, Veeck (“as in Wreck” as his autobiography so astutely put it) would do absurd promotion stunts (his ugly divorces very rarely involved the teams he owned).  As the last Baseball owner who was not independently wealthy, Bill Veeck had everything a true American could ask for.  A man who built himself from the ground up, lost a limb in the war, and caused a mass riot when he wanted to destroy as many Disco albums as possible.  Veeck was a man too great for embellishment, though we once heard that he could life a car over his head with one hand while juggling midgets with the other.  But only 3 midgets.  Like we said, we’re not going to embellish any of this.

So here’s the tale of the man with one leg and a love of midgets.

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July 31, 2011 · 12:01 AM

America Fun Fact of the Day July 31st- July 31st in American History

“End of July, end of the week, end of me caring.  Just post one of those day in history dealies.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

As July comes to a close, Americans are in the middle of Bar-B-Q season.  Meat is being seared by greenhouse gasses and it tickles us pink at the AFFotD offices.  So much so that we just use the term “tickles us pink” without a hint of irony.  And we hate that phrase as much as you do.  Trust us.

Sundays are for grilling.  Today is Sunday.  So we’re not going to waste our time writing about “things” so instead we’ll just write about American things that have happened today in history.  Because we are obsessed with the past, and are haunted by things we cannot change.  Those hollow eyes.  They once saw, now they are blind.

Wait, what?

Today’s Day in American History

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June 19, 2011 · 12:01 AM

America Fun Fact of the Day 6/19- June 19th in American History

“Yeah, the…uh, God, what’s the word…day in history thing?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

A band named after what we put in our coffee once stated, hot time, summer in the city.  While you may not be living in a city right now, you are part of the grant giant city known as…America.  That’s all we got, though.  Sure it seems kind of tenuous, but still, here is…

Today’s American Day in History (America Edition)

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May 25, 2011 · 12:02 AM

Hilarious American Senior Portraits

“Integrity be damned, steal it, steal the damn thing!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

As we here at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices work on, you know, teh internetz, we usually have to keep an hear to the grindstone, as people who don’t know how idioms or grindstones work would say.  The internet offers us a wealth of information so we never have to do pesky things like “Research facts” or “learn to use books instead of Wikipedia.”  You’d think with 20 people in our research staff, we’d be able to offer more breaking news stories, but nope.  Huffington Post has more employees than us (basically) and half of their posts are just embedded Daily Show segments and stories lifted from other blogs.  So excuse us if we don’t feel the need to get our hands dirty with “knowledge” when we can just do the American thing and steal other people’s hard work.

Yes, we steal stuff in America.  Get over it, man.  Besides, you’re not even an Indian.  You’re Italian.  Face.

That’s why we felt reluctant to straight up steal the meticulous work done in this article from superbooyah (who seems to split their articles evenly between “Hot chicks not wearing a lot of clothes” and “Freaky people with scary faces”) that gathered up the “100 Worst Senior Portraits of All Time” for us to marvel at.

His haircut may say “Bowl cut” but his laptop screensaver says…well, also “Bowl cut”.

But just posting the same 100 pictures would be pretty tame (and, well, time consuming for our photo department/that one homeless guy we pay a few bucks to click the “insert photo” button for us), so we’re going to go in a different route by celebrating the absurd Senior Portrait photos that have been taken that truly exemplify America in its most awkwardly adolescent glory.  That should narrow down the amount of these hilarious, hilarious pictures we utilize.  Right?

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March 20, 2011 · 12:01 AM

America Fun Fact of the Day 3/20- Hahahahahaha Oh We’re So Sorry

“Oh my god, those bastards!  They suck!”

~Everyone reading today’s fun fact

As the enterprising members of the America Fun Fact of the Day staff spend the next few weeks working on additional American projects, like a ray  gun that turns celery into donuts, or a gender-neutral sex machine that plays James Brown’s “Sex Machine” during copulation, you may have noticed a drop off in production lately.  And it’s understandable that you are upset, you all pay a very high price to be the first daily receivers of the America Fun Fact of the Day.  We have all your credit cards on file, as you no doubt have noticed the surprisingly expensive charges to “Xing Xia’s Massage” that have been popping up on your credit card bills.  How does one massage cost 500 bucks?  It’s all part of the creative process, you wouldn’t understand.

So, as a huge “fuck you” to you, the loyal readers…today’s Fun Fact will be a fucking clip show.  That’s right, just a clipboard of the greatest America Fun Fact of the Day moments of the past few months.

You see, clip shows are the most American form of entertainment.  It’s backhanded, which is the best way Americans like to deal with things (can I get a “How?” from my Indian brothers and sisters out there?  Ha, see what I did there?), and it’s incredible lazy, which is, all together now, American.  As with any clip show, we’ll add some thematic additions to each bit, but really, the writers just crapped this out in like 10 minutes, because what the hell.

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March 18, 2011 · 12:01 AM

Baseball Caps: Durable Tool of Athletes and Douchebags

“Baseball caps MUST BE WORN BACKWARDS.”

~You, 1992, after seeing “3 Ninjas”

“Why is every douchebag in this bar wearing a backwards baseball cap?”

~You, last Saturday

America is all about putting shit on the tops of their head.  While the notions of hats date back to the 15th century, when French noblemen began putting cloth and feathers in a piece shaped to fit the top of their skulls in their generations old tradition of, “How ridiculous can we make ourselves look in oil paintings,” hats are an essential clothing item for most everyone in the world, be it practical like a ski-cap, or offensive to a lot of people to hear it described as a “hat” like those water jugs African villagers carry on their heads.

“Let’s call it ‘Tribal Chic’ and sell it to impressionable socialites!”

But of all the hats, can you think of one that is truly American?  Sure, we have hats such as the Top Hat, the Sombrero, the….beret.  But what is the most American hat?  The one hat out there that grabs you by the ears and screams, “LOOK AT ME!  I AM AMERICA!”

The Coonskin cap?  Oh…fuck, yeah that’s actually a really good one.  Like really good.  Goddamn it, no that’s not the one we’re writing about today, but we sort of wish we were.  We had forgotten about all the badass traits associated with the Coonskin cap.  Goddamn it.  That meets both the “fuck nature” quotient we try to cram into every AFFotD, plus it would let us go on just a crazy wild tangent about Davy “Kills With a Smile” Crockett.  Davy fucking Crockett! We could have told you how Davy Crockett’s Coonskin cap alone could have sex with more women than a 2008 Tiger Woods at a Club Promoter’s Convention.  We could have talked about how Coonskin cap gave Davy Crockett the power to use fucking alligators as jet skis.

Do you think this just fucking happens!?

Shit.  Anyway, no, we were not thinking about the Coonskin cap.  Dammit.  But, no, dig deep, really try to figure out what, as a hat, do you define as being…American?

OH SON OF A BITCH!  Goddamn it to hell!  Fine.  Yes.  A Cowboy hat is a fucking awesome America hat too.  Yes, it is a hat that basically reeks of sex-at-a-19th-century-brothel.  Yes, it is the hat best designed to cover a man’s junk.  Yes, it is a hat so associated with gunfights that even new cowboy hats reek of gunpowder and fear.  Yes, cowboy hats are so damn manly that if you have sex while wearing one, it’s technically considered a Devil’s Three-Way, no matter who’s wearing it.  Fine.  Fine.  Goddamn it.

Okay, one more time, what is the most American hat you can think of?

JUST FUCKING STOP OKAY!?  We’re talking about fucking baseball caps, alright?  THOSE are pretty damn American too, you assholes.  BASEBALL CAPS.  And besides, that last one is cheating because you can totally find a baseball cap that looks like an American flag.  So yeah, eat it.  You guys suck.

Anyway, before we fire our research guru who managed to totally ignore the above examples when we asked him, “What’s the most American hat you can think of?” let’s at least discuss the actually-pretty-fucking-American background of the baseball cap, or as it used to be known, the “Brooklyn Style” cap, which was invented here in America in 1860.  And for you Coonskin cap and Cowboy hat lobbyists, technically Coonskin caps were first created by Native Americans, and the style for a Cowboy hat first was invented by Mongolians.  So there.

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