“Of course you wish you were me. My name is fucking Slim Pickens.”
~Fucking Slim Pickens
Badass American professions tend to look appropriately badass. Firefighter outfits are the envy of every five year old on the block, cops get to wear uniforms that make them 30% more attractive, and people in the Army don’t have to wear those stupid berets anymore. Superheroes get super costumes, and porn stars wear nothing, usually you can get a good idea of what line of work someone is in by what they wear. However, every once in a while, incredibly American professions are given somewhat demeaning appearances, and the sheer degree of don’t-give-a-fuck emanated by these professionals only goes to prove their American values.
When thinking of the most American, badass profession that requires the most demeaning, confusing costumes, there is only one group of people who fit the bill.
That’s right. We’re talking about Rodeo Clowns.
Seen here giggling and skipping away from the Grim Reaper (in bull form)
“I got this cool scar, AND I get to miss a week of school.”
~Oh, no one you’ve heard of. Just Bart Motherfucking Simpson
Everyone is born with extra parts added to their body. Americans have a secondary liver that primarily filters out bourbon and whiskey. Canadians have a gland that makes their names legally have to be “Rupert.” French people are born with tails. Many of these extra, generally nation-specific, extra pieces have their value (Canadians like the name “Rupert” as it is bland and unthreatening, American’s need to get drunk more, and it’s always good to be reminded that French people are rats). But every once in a while, humans are born with pointless junk that we just don’t need. Wisdom teeth, nose hair, elbows, all of these just get in the way of important things like eating, smelling, and rolling down hills.
“DAMN YOU EVOLUTION!”
Of all these useless digits and doo-dads, there is one particular component that actually depletes your Americanness, and as a result it’s gotta be scooped out of your body. That would be the appendix, which seeps miniscule amounts of Anti-America that, when you become American enough, will cause a pain in your side. This is called “Appendicitis” which of course is latin for “This is America dammit, GET OUTTA MY BODY YOU DAMN FOREIGNERS.” At that point doctors have to come by to snip the bastard out there. Most patients, upon receiving an appendectomy, find that their sense of America goes up roughly 15%. Taking out your appendicitis is literally the most American thing you can do to your body next to getting an American flag tattooed to your fucking face.
“I…I have buyer’s remorse.”
So without further ado, we at AFFotD are here to look into the American benefits of Appendectomies.
Pictured above: Appendectomy.