“Goddamn it, you’re right. I AM delicious.”
When someone goes up to you and asks, “What is the most American breakfast food imaginable” you’re never able to respond because your mouth is jammed full of delicious bacon. To say that America is obsessed with bacon is like saying that John Hinckley, Jr. only had a “small crush” on Jodie Foster. Whenever there’s a heart attack in America, the Bacon Council smiles wryly and adds a tally to a list somewhere. Hell, there’s a group about bacon as a religion on facebook. We love bacon because, unsurprisingly, America does bacon different and better than every other nation.
While bacon in itself is simply a cut of pork that’s been cured (usually in brine), many nations use “leaner” cuts of meat for their bacon, where America says “fuck it, what’s the fattiest part of a pig? The pig belly? Makes sense, let’s use that shit then.” This is why English or Canadian bacon is nothing more than a salty pork chop, while American bacon is a glorious piece of art streaked with more fat than a bar of soap made in Fight Club.
“I don’t know, I’m partial to crispy myself.”
And while bacon deserves its own Fun Fact, we here at AFFotD feel impelled to talk about a phenomenon more specifically American than bacon itself. We of course are referring to the American habit to make everything taste like bacon. It’s the greatest thing to happen to capitalism since factories. Every day, an executive says, “Let’s flavor this like bacon,” and when a subordinate asks, “why bacon?” he responds, “Because fuck you, you’re fired, bacon is delicious.”
It most certainly is. With that in mind, we’re here to present you with…
America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products