“Jesus guys, can’t you come up with a topic that’s a little more specific?”
~JFK III, Official AFFotD Dauphin
While having our weekly lunch of jumbo hot dogs, pint glasses of bourbon, and a scientifically worked out ratio of callgirls and callboys (AFFotD is an equal opportunity employer), we all sat back in our den of glutton debauchery (other offices may crudely refer to it as a “lunch room.” Or a “sex dungeon,” depending on where you work and how good your Union is) to reflect on today as a glorious day in America. And even though roughly three states (including Hawaii) are getting direct sunlight at the moment, and March continues its bland tradition of being the “Billy Baldwin of the Calendar months,” we were still able to intake glorious amounts of calories while burning them off immediately after in a whole slew of morally questionable activities. Oh, we forgot to mention that the hot dogs that we ate were stolen, and the bourbon distilled in our offices was made in a 1920’s prohibition era sill. Seriously, the whole place smells like grase, ethanol, cereal, and latex. It’s glorious.
We couldn’t quite put our finger on what was drawing us to this day, March 6th, and being particularly important in American history. So, we took our historical staff out of their tequila-filled-baths and sent them to let us know what was American about today. Here was their list.
Today’s American History of America in America (American Edition)
1810- Illinois passes the first vaccination legislation in the history of America. A
Crazy Chinese Double Agent Health Ranger, Mike Adams, would tell you that this was the beginning of the government’s plan to poison us or brainwash us or something? Normal people would say that it was the beginning of less kids having to die due to preventable illnesses. Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other.
1836- 175 years ago today, the Alamo finally fell to Mexican forces after a 13 day siege. Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, and many other notable badasses perished, but not before taking out a shitload of the enemy with them. Years later, this sacrifice would serve as the inspiration for the ending scene of Armageddon.
1899- Aspirin is discovered, allowing millions of Americans to confuse “minor joint pain” with “heart attacks,” making Bayer executives have to announce, frustratedly, “It treats both! It’s magic, okay you guys?” Mike Adams probably thinks aspirin is a tracking beacon or some shit.
1922- Babe Ruth signs a 3-year contract with the New York Yankees with the New York Yankees for $52,000. This being the 1920s, that was enough money to buy over one million steak and kidney pies, this being a form of currency during the Great Depression.
1967- Svetlana Alliluyeva, daughter of Joseph Stalin, defects to America from the U.S.S.R., because Fuck Russia.
2011- America Fun Fact of the Day staff decides to post short, easily googleable information for its fun fact, resulting in mass protests across the globe.