“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”
~Every AFFotD staff member
Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t. We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it. For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”
We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol. Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute. So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.
The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History
“Prrrrfftt plabber prrrftt sorry my glorious mustache was in my mouth, you see.”
Every great war leaves behind a cultural legacy. The Vietnam War spurned on counter-culture and PTSD. World War II developed and hardened the so-called “Greatest Generation.” The Korean War led to M*A*S*H*. The impact of these conflicts have been scorched into our memory, making irreplaceable connections in our minds. So, while we were riffling through the Smithsonian website looking for blueprints (we heard they have the Fonzie’s jacket there, and we fucking want it) we stumbled across this little item regarding the Civil War. Because, when you think of the Civil War, clearly the one thing you associate with it is slavery glorious facial hair.
We were going to do a fun fact on the importance of office safety, ever since we had to send [REDACTED] to the hospital when he started shouting, “GONZO JOURNALISM” and licking our supply of poison arrow frogs, but really, we figure this is more important. So, let’s rate some facial hair, everyone.
“Wow…we kinda called it we guess?”
~Trey Parker and Matt Stone
The past 24 hours have been a whirlwind of news, commentary, and discussion regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden. After nearly ten years of being the most wanted man on the planet, Osama was tried for charges of being Osama Bin Laden, where he was found guilty. It was a pretty short trial. No doubt, literally dozens of Americans turned to AFFotD yesterday expecting a hard hitting take on the death of the world’s largest Dickweed. Instead, you were treated to a discussion of Andrew Johnson being sworn in as Vice-President while stinking drunk.
“That’s all well and good,” you all thought. “But dammit, where is my Osama Bin Laden coverage!?” Well, we can understand your confusion, but we figured it was best to wait a day before doing a fun fact on the death of a man who is such an asshole that proctologists use a scale model of his face to learn how to check for Hernias. So, we chose to wait a day, spending our time reflecting on the moral ambiguity of celebrating the death of an individual doing a lot of celebration drinking.
As such a huge event in American history, it’s a lot to take in.
Our sentiment exactly, Mr. Hester.
But now, we are here to fight through the hangover, and give you all a thorough, in depth discussion of this momentous occasion, as we present…
AFFotD’s Look into the Death of Osama Bin Laden
“I got your Vice-Presidency riiiiight here.”
The America Fun Fact of the Day organization has taken a lot of heat from various public interest groups over the years, which is to be expected whenever a fresh, vibrant voice appears to lead the general public down the proper American path. Native American groups really didn’t take kindly to our Super Bowl commercials that ran under the slogan, “Indians: Stop Bitching and Be Thankful We Let You Have Casinos” (though, surprisingly, the media uproar over those spots was largely overshadowed by how much people inexplicably loathed those boring Groupon ads). A lot of Eastern European groups tend to take umbrage with our bizarre inexplicable hatred towards Ukranians. And, of course, we take a lot of heat from MADD for our supposedly controversial “High Fives for safe Buzzed drivers” program, and our, “Blowing a .08 isn’t nearly as big of a crime as blowing a .2, get over it America” advertising banners that we may or may not have placed on the MADD website for a time.
We didn’t earn any favors with this campaign either…
And of our many transgressions (people always tend to overlook our Condor fighting ring, which baffles us to no end) our stance towards alcohol (mainly that it’s awesome) tends to get a surprising amount of backlash. Not that we care to address that backlash at the moment. Let’s put it this way, 90% of the people that tell us, “Alcohol ruins lives” also list their favorite TV shows as being According to Jim, Two and a Half Men, and The Bachelor. Call us cynical, but we’re not too worried about losing that demographic as readers.
This show got eight seasons. EIGHT. Yet Arrested Development got cancelled after three. This message was sponsored by whiskey. “Whiskey: Drink me to forget.”
Alcohol is as American as drinking Alcohol, which, for those who have never read AFFotD, is incredibly American. And that’s why we choose to salute one of the best moments in American Alcohol consumption. The Vice-Presidential inauguration of Abraham Lincoln’s Vice President, Andrew Johnson.