Tag Archives: Andrew Jackson

America’s Heroes Battling Monsters

“I need to buy all of these.  Every.  Single.  One.”

~You

Art is okay, we guess.  It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads.  And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.

But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of.  And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts.  We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser.  Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.

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Filed under Jackson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, The Other Guys, Washington

The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“You want a piece of me?  COME ON, ASSHOLES!  WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME!”

~Gandhi

We Americans try to act civilized and focus on the finer things in life, like a nice aged scotch or photoshopping actresses’ faces onto photos of naked women, but despite our efforts to contain our savage impulses, we do love a good fight.  There’s nothing wrong with that—fighting is a healthy and natural way to vent anger, settle disputes, and teach assholes not to drive on the highway with their blinker on the whole time.  The mere existence of fighting is responsible for 100% of all instances where someone shouts, “Yeah you better run,” which is one of the more underappreciated American sentences in existence.

If you ever doubt America’s hidden yearning to watch people bash the ever-loving bile out of each other, just ask any American male why he likes the movie Fight Club.

“The anti-capitalist metaphor, man, I like that it’s against consumerism,” they might say.

No, why do you really like Fight Club?

“Uh, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt give incredibly nuanced…”

No.  Why do you really like the movie?

“Because of the fighting!  Because they fight!  In a club!  Oh God, why did daddy leave, why did daddy have to leave us?”

Woah, that got dark.  Since segues are for the French and people who lack confidence about their sexual virility (ha, but didn’t we say “the French” already?  Burn) just know that today’s fun fact is…

The Greatest Fights Between Great American Figures (That Never Happened) (That We Wish Happened)

“More like a house divided against itself cannot stand another ass whooping like the one I just dished out!  Boooom!  Classic Lincoln-Zinger.  Oh..oh wow, you’re actually…yeah you’re bleeding really bad…Oh…”

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Filed under Grant, Jackson, Lincoln, Washington

The Art of the Man Hug

“Dude?”

~Dude

Every great nation, and every historical era, has bred specific social groups that follow seemingly arbitrary social guidelines.  Frontiersmen in the Wild West (or Jim fucking Bowie or Andrew “Straight-Up-Killer” Jackson) followed an elaborate series of rules and regulations for duels.  British dandies were supposed to look like girls or something.  Hippies chose to look and smell disgusting at all times.  No, seriously.  They can never be clean.

GOD that decade was a mess.

As America surges ever deeper into the 21st century, various socially prevalent groups have taken their niche positions in American culture, but one trait is shared by the males of every one of these groups.  That would be the ability, and willingness, to perform the Man Hug.

The man hug is for men what naked pillow fighting is for women- namely, an important affirmation of one’s gender that should be done far more frequently and in the most public places possibly.  But it is more than just a greeting or a vehicle for the term “No homo” to gain notoriety.  No, it exists as a manly and American greeting for 50% of our nation’s population, since apparently people get uncomfortable when you slap their ass.  Yeah, we’re looking at you, Frank, you know you liked it.

The Man Hug is so important to America that there’s even a how-to video for it on the internet.  That places “Man Hugs” on a level of importance in American society between knowing how to tie your own tie, and knowing how to start a grill.

So we feel it is our duty, as Americans, to teach the male readers out there how to properly perform a Man Hug.  Some of you know how to do it naturally, some of you struggle with the concept.

The Man Hug hugs manages to be more personal than the too-formal handshake without the potential awkwardness of the too-much-of-a-chance-that-the-…you-know…-penises-might-touch regular hug.  According to Wikipedia, “The origin of this hug is not clear” which is clearly bullshit.

The Man Hug, or as it is more hilariously know, the Bro-Grab, Homie Hug, or Shug, was discovered in the early 1980’s when deodorant technology had yet to catch up with cocaine use.  The result was a lot of very sweaty, very friendly men who were wearing oddly expensive polyester blazers, which were often ruined for the evening by one poorly chosen hug.  Enter, the Man Hug, which minimized contact while allowing you to establish yourself as a close friend or confidant.

The Man Hug is easy to perform, and almost never results in the two dudes kissing.  All you have to do is follow these easy steps.

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Andrew Johnson’s Drunken Inauguration

“I got your Vice-Presidency riiiiight here.”

~Andrew Johnson

The America Fun Fact of the Day organization has taken a lot of heat from various public interest groups over the years, which is to be expected whenever a fresh, vibrant voice appears to lead the general public down the proper American path.  Native American groups really didn’t take kindly to our Super Bowl commercials that ran under the slogan, “Indians:  Stop Bitching and Be Thankful We Let You Have Casinos” (though, surprisingly, the media uproar over those spots was largely overshadowed by how much people inexplicably loathed those boring Groupon ads).  A lot of Eastern European groups tend to take umbrage with our bizarre inexplicable hatred towards Ukranians.  And, of course, we take a lot of heat from MADD for our supposedly controversial “High Fives for safe Buzzed drivers” program, and our, “Blowing a .08 isn’t nearly as big of a crime as blowing a .2, get over it America” advertising banners that we may or may not have placed on the MADD website for a time.

We didn’t earn any favors with this campaign either…

And of our many transgressions (people always tend to overlook our Condor fighting ring, which baffles us to no end) our stance towards alcohol (mainly that it’s awesome) tends to get a surprising amount of backlash.  Not that we care to address that backlash at the moment.  Let’s put it this way, 90% of the people that tell us, “Alcohol ruins lives” also list their favorite TV shows as being According to Jim, Two and a Half Men, and The Bachelor.  Call us cynical, but we’re not too worried about losing that demographic as readers.

This show got eight seasons.  EIGHT.  Yet Arrested Development got cancelled after three.  This message was sponsored by whiskey.  “Whiskey:  Drink me to forget.”

Alcohol is as American as drinking Alcohol, which, for those who have never read AFFotD, is incredibly American.  And that’s why we choose to salute one of the best moments in American Alcohol consumption.  The Vice-Presidential inauguration of Abraham Lincoln’s Vice President, Andrew Johnson.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 4/10- April 10th in American History

“What’s that?  100th day of the year?  Sure you can use that as a reason to drink today.  You know what else you can use as a reason?  THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Today is April 10th, which sources tell us, is the 100th day of the year.  So, if your 2011 has been great, or terrible, either way that’s a cause to drink.  And as as result, we’re going to do something very special at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices here today.  We are going to let a separate AFFotD staffer inform you of what happened on previous April 10ths in America.  Except most of them will be in various states of drunk.  Don’t worry, we’ll let you know who you’re hearing from, and how much they’ve had to drink, and hopefully they’ll have done their research well enough that they’re not just drunkenly pulling shit out of their asses.

But then again, we can’t make any promises.

So, without further ado, here is…

The American History of April 10th in America (As Remembered By Drunk Americans)

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America’s Ugliest Vice-Presidents Part 2: #5-1

“FEAR MY IMPENDING DOOM.”

~#1 on the list of Ugliest Vice-Presidents

As we saw in yesterday’s AFFotD, there are a surprisnig amount of goofy looking Vice-Presidents.  and we’ve got nothing better to do than to keep on counting down.  So here, for your viewing pleasure (and we use that term lightly) are the five ugliest Vice-Presidents of American History.

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America Fun Fact of the Day 3/27- March 27th in American History

“Ugh, I don’t care.  Just have the research monkeys list off shit that happened today.  I need some aspirin.”

~A Very Hungover Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Today is Sunday, which is a national day of “getting over Friday night and Saturday night” for many Americans, that 24 hour period where you re-hydrate and prepare yourself for another week at work.  At America Fun Fact of the Day, we go to the offices everyday, mainly because it’s got more impressive amenities than any home, and also because we just installed the world’s first vodka swimming pool.  Actually, the vodka swimming pool is the real draw currently.  Just think about that.  It’s a swimming pool.  Only instead of water, it’s vodka.  If you accidentally swallow the pool water, you don’t taste chlorine, you get wasted.  We’ve had to fish so many bodies out of it these past few weeks, but no one would dares ask to get rid of it.  We know the risks.

To be fair, it’s the next logical evolutionary step as far as pool based alcohol is concerned.

So despite the fact that we spend our time in the office, ignoring our “families,” “responsibilities in life,” and “going to the dentist, like, ever,” we do feel compelled to at least pretend to follow the traditional American work week structure.  That’s why, from Monday through Friday, we give you top notch content, discussing important issues like Andrew Jackson’s dueling habits, or how the Washington Monument looks like a dong.

But come the weekend, we tend to take our foot off the accelerator.  We’ll put a photo of the week here, or a clip show because we’re terrible people there, but we tend to prep ourselves for the following week of American Facts but just hopping into our vodka swimming pool, like that one scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day off.

You can interpret this how you want, but did you know that your body can absorb alcohol through its pours?  Well, you can.  There a whole bunch of places other than your mouth that alcohol can sneak into your bloodstream through.

So, we don’t really have the energy, or ibuprofen supplies to research a full, engrossing fun fact today.  Instead, we will present you…

The American History of March 27th in America

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