Tag Archives: America

The American History of Clam Chowder

“It’s chowdah!  CHOWDAH!  I’ll kill you!  I’ll kill you all!”

~Freddy Quimby

clam chowder

The existence of what we generally refer to as a clam is a simple one.  They are small little mollusks that spend their whole life completely immobile until a human comes along, boils them alive, and eats them unceremoniously alongside literally dozens of its slayed brethren.  Don’t feel too bad for them, though, because they’re delicious.  Okay, fine, if that’s not enough of an excuse, uh, let’s say…all clams are racist?  Yeah, every clam is like, suuuper racist, like “you don’t feel safe when they start talking, and you’re like, Scandinavian” racist.  Better?  Yeah, fuck those guys!  That’s why we have a duty, as Americans, to slaughter them in droves and cook them in rich, satisfying stews.

Clam chowder is a dish that even people who don’t eat clams still like and enjoy.  If someone said, “I don’t like clams, they’re too rubbery, also that racist thing is still messing with my head” they would still see “clam chowder” on the menu and want to order it, despite literally half of the words in the dish being things they actively dislike.  That is because clam chowder, at its very core, is an inherently American dish—it’s not nearly as widespread as, say, hamburgers or pizza (sit down Germany and Italy we took the ball from you and ran farther with it, those are ours now) but it is one of the best soup options out there, especially for that asshole boss of yours with the shellfish allergy (just tell them that clams don’t count, and that promotion will be yours in no time!)

That’s why today we’re going to take a moment to set you aside, but a warm bowl of creamy seafoody cholesterol in front of you, and tell you about the history of one of the first American soups.

The American History of Clam Chowder

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AFFotD Website Review: 123newyear.com

“…Is this written by a robot, an alien, or both?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

635850197284573487-484381917_Setting-Goals-for-2016

We plan on writing a proper New Year’s Eve article tomorrow about ball dropping, because we haven’t posted in a while and we giggle at the term “ball dropping” due to our perpetual adolescence.  But before we go ahead with that, we want to take a quick moment to introduce you to a very special website that tells you everything you need to know about American New Year’s Eve celebrations.

Welcome to the New Year in America – Traditions and Customs, by 123newyear.com.

It is an insignificant blip on the 3% of the internet not devoted to pornography―526 words about New Year’s traditions in America, 410 of which specifically address New Years in America.  The other 116 words talk about “South American New Year Traditions” without even trying to pretend like they are aware that different countries in an entire continent might not share the same cultures and practices.  There is no author, and one comment on the entire page.

It is such a tiny, tiny little thing on the internet that no one would give a second look, and we love it so much.  Because it was clearly not written by a human being, and watching a computer program trying to describe this hu-man celebration gives us endless joy.  So let’s go through this article, shall we?

AFFotD Website Review:  123newyear.com

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Good Job America! The 10 Beers Americans No Longer Drink (Are Awful)

“Yes, yes, watch Budweiser Burn.”

~Fans of Good Beer

bad beer

Back in 2012, we wrote an article listing the 10 top selling beers in America.  We made the point that these beers, which include Natural Light, Busch, and a red cup of stale keg beer from last night’s party that inexplicably has a Band-Aid in it Bud Light are, in the general sense of the term, ass-numbingly awful.  Some of you read this and said, “Yes, these are bad beers” because you like to use the internet as a safe space for correct and well-reasoned mindsets.  Some of you read it and said, “Fuck you and your IPAs, GIMME AN ICE COLD BUD” which was both disappointing because someone singed off your taste buds as a child, and surprising because we never once talked about IPAs in the entire article.

In the four years since the publication of our scathing exposé, a lot has changed in America.  We have a black president now (*terrified intern scrambles and whispers in our ear*) okay we apparently had a black president in 2012 too, but either way more Americans are making a point to drink good beers, and are starting to steer away from the beer companies that see their sales numbers plummeting and have to resort to commercials saying, “DRINK OUR BEER, YA PUSSIES.”

So naturally, when 247wallst.com came out with an article titled “10 Beers Americans no longer Drink” we were enthralled to see that the beers on this list, which documents the beers with the largest sales drop from 2009-2014, are beers that America should actively be drinking less of.  It’s articles like this that make us feel like we’re finally being heard as Americans who want other Americans to stop drinking shitty swill, or at least to get get drunk enough that it doesn’t matter what they’re drinking before switching to it.  And because the major sites that picked up the story weirdly decided to copy/paste only a handful of list items as a weird way to combine stealing someone else’s work while not going through the effort to give you a complete list, we’re going to post the full top 10 list list, only instead of looking into “market trends” or whatever, we’ll just focus on how these beers are bad, and how it’s a good thing that you’re no longer drinking them.

Good Job America!  The 10 Beers Americans No Longer Drink (Are Awful)

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AFFotD Website Review: NBC.com.co

“Oh, wait.  That’s the joke?  They’re just making shit up?  That’s stupid.  That’s so fucking stupid.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt upon reading an nbc.com.co article

satire

Listen, America.  We’re going to have to sit down and have a little chat. In a world where thousands of people constantly assume that The Onion is real, it’s really important that we know what we’re doing when we’re trying to bring satire into people’s lives.  So while it’s hilarious for us to see someone stumble across a satirical article and go into a mouth-foaming rage about, say, 22,000 Polar Bears having to live on the Earth’s one remaining iceberg, there are a lot of lazy writers out there that see your standard Clickholes or Borowitz Report and think, “Hey I can do that!  All I have to do is make up fake stories, right?”

Obviously, there’s much more to satire than just making up stories, and there’s definitely much more to satire than making up stories with the express hope that people actually think it’s real.  It’s like when that asshole acquaintance of yours on Facebook posts an article about Firefly getting rebooted, only to take you to a “YOU GOT PRANKED!” page right after you clicked the link (and shortly before you unfriended said acquaintance on Facebook).  There’s nothing particularly clever about that, and there’s definitely nothing satirical going on.  It’s just stupid.

We recently saw one of these stupid websites in an article titled “Yelp Sues South Park For $10 Million Over Latest Episode.”  Now, that seemed possibly a bit far-fetched, but we clicked the link because we saw it was NBC.  “Huh, wait, so this is posted on the NBC website?  That seems…huh.”  As we read it, increasingly thinking, “Wait…this can’t be a real story” we finally noticed that the website wasn’t nbc.com.  It was nbc.com.co.  Because the internet is fucking stupid.  And we are here to review it.

AFFotD Website Review:  NBC.com.co

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Armenia

“Oh, sweet mother of…”

~The average American looking at an Armenian restaurant menu

armenian food

We recently began a new article series where we described to you some of the most terrifying and, well, depressing national cuisines around the world.  We started things off with Latvia, because we felt like you hadn’t had a good cry in a long time.  This time around, we’re going to take our xenophobic discussion of gross food that is weird and wrong compared to American food all the way to Armenia, where everything is soup, and everything is awful.  We’ll also be going pretty hard out of our way to avoid making jokes about that whole “Armenian genocide” thing because, as a general rule of thumb, genocide jokes are not funny and they never will be funny until douchebags who aggressively hit on their bartenders become their own ethnic group.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Armenia

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Six of the Strangest Erotica E-Book Genres On the Internet

“….sure?”

~Your Genitals

naked party with the dj

Sex—it’s a thing people have sometimes.  It’s also a thing that we tend to obsess over—when the cave men first realized they could draw representations of themselves on their walls the first thing they pretty much figured how to doodle was crude pictures of Ps going into Vs.  And as society has advanced, and pornography and erotica have become more common, our nation constantly finds itself trying harder (heh) to create some smut content that truly exists outside the mainstream.

Let’s face it—the internet is a massive pit filled with every single combination of naked writhing bodies you can imagine, which really leaves only one market available to explore the truly twisted and, well, fucking weird aspects of our own warped sexual impulses.  The Amazon Erotica Kindle section.

So we’ve had our writers slog through one of the weirder corners of the internet and have absolutely wrecked our internet history in order to tell you about six genres of Kindle Erotica that are, apparently, in freakishly high demand.  Because for some people, reading about sex that doesn’t involve BDSM shapeshifting dinosaur stepfather billionaires is basically the same thing as going to church.

Six of the Strangest Erotica E-Book Genres On the Internet

 a horse well you know the rest

W…what?

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The National League Blacklisting of 1881

“Listen, we’re just sort of winging this as we go along.”

~1800s Major League Baseball Commissioners

hubert

We’ve been talking a lot about baseball in the past several months, which comes as a bit of a surprise considering that the sport is a topic we have very rarely discussed over the past four years.  Yes, it’s America’s Pastime, but it’s also kind of boring from an outside perspective.  But we stumbled upon something when looking up the silliest Major League Baseball team names that we could find during their early years—before baseball was a bankable commodity, they pretty much let anyone pick up a bat and play for (not much) money.  That led to crazy ballplayers, goofy names, and that one time where a guy got paid a full professional baseball salary to show up to an empty stadium every day and play himself in a disbanded league.

Baseball during the 19th, and somewhat during the start of the 20th, century was at times hilariously inept, completely marginalized, and interesting as fuck.  So we’re going to look into our high tech time machine (read as: Googling shit while drunk) to bring you another chapter from the early annals of America’s most interesting sport that involves players standing still for the majority of each game.

The National League Blacklisting of 1881

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Otto Frederick Rohwedder and the Invention of Sliced Bread

“It’s the greatest invention since sliced bread.”

~Literally every single salesperson you have ever met, every goddamn one

 sliced bread

We take a lot of the simple things in our lives for granted.  That’s just human nature—if something doesn’t look difficult, or inherently present itself as some technological triumph, we tend to assume that these have always existed.  We can marvel at the technology behind, say, a smart phone, but overlook the fact that the first calculator was made in 1959, looked like this, and was able to compute less than your smart phone’s calculator app.

We’re going about this in a roundabout way, but the moral here is that many assume sliced bread has been around since, oh, roughly the same time as bread and knives co-existed, when in reality it’s a 20th century phenomenon.  Yes, sliced bread was first packaged and sold in 1928, and it is an American invention.  Specifically, by an enterprising Midwesterner who devoted over ten years of his life to designing and perfecting a machine to slice whole loaves of bread at once to ensure that we would forever be able to take an arduous step out of the process of making toast and sandwiches.  That man, nay, that hero, was Otto Frederick Rohwedder, and this is his story.

Otto Frederick Rohwedder and the Invention of Sliced Bread

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The Most Hilarious Debut Film Appearances of Famous Actors

“Mom, do you want my green stuff?”

~Matt Damon’s Actual First Line of Dialogue in a Film, Ever

matt damon mystic pizza

Outside of winning the lottery or having a trust fund, success typically is earned through hard work and dedication.  You have to start from somewhere.  That’s most easily noticeable in the careers of actors, who work their way up to reach stardom and, as a result, tend to have some strange and unusual roles in their early acting days.  For as much as gossip magazine try to emphasize “Stars go grocery shopping, JUST LIKE US!” they’re probably better off demonstrating that sentiment by, say, showing Ben Affleck do a Burger King commercial before he got famous.  Even the actors who seemingly broke out of nowhere had to put in their dues, and that American quality for hard work is something we support, even when we go out of our way to find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to poke fun at them.

So let’s find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to make fun of them.

The Most Hilarious Debut Film Appearances of Famous Actors

lindsay lohan jello

Okay, now that’s just kicking someone when they’re down.

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A Brief History of Animals Getting Drunk

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am *starts mauling police officer*”

~A Drunk Monkey

 mice with wine

Humans separate themselves from the rest of the animal kingdom through their advanced culture, their intellectual pursuits, and their appreciation of Shark Week.  Sure, there might be more to the difference between man and beast, but at the end of the day, many creatures on this planet are a lot like us, only much tastier.  It’s this disconnect between our similarities and differences with the animal world that finds us constantly striving to anthropomorphize pets and wild creatures—you put a sweater on your severely overheated poodle and it’s cute, because he thinks he’s people.  We like seeing animals “act human” but it’s typically pretty forced.  Yes, that is a cute YouTube video of a dog walking on its hind legs, but that’s just because he was incessantly trained to do that.  But there is one area where, with minimal human interference, animals are just like us.

They like to get drunk.

So, we will take a momentary break from our established credo of “Fuck Nature” to give our furry animal friends a break, and talk about how they like to get shitcanned drunk, just like us.  Granted, if some of you take that to the logical conclusion that the alcohol probably makes these cute little critters taste even better, we won’t stop you.

A Brief History of Animals Getting Drunk

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