Tag Archives: America

Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices

“Guys, we need to be better.  We need to do better.  We should have jumped on these limey bastards the moment this garbage was published!  I know it was around the Fourth of the July, and I know we spent the next three months blackout drunk, NO EXCUSES!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 union jack

Listen here, faithful readers.  When we started this website, we had one very important goal—find a way to get free alcohol sent us to while breaking a few financial laws by listing ourselves as a tax-exempt non-profit.  But once you make a name for yourself, and it’s all, “Oh, Johnny Roosevelt, start a newsletter” this and “you know the internet is a thing now, people need to hear from you” that, and we have to deal with mission statements and being sober enough to press a button that says “Publish.”  It’s all very hard work, and we blame our Editor-in-Chief—we wouldn’t even exist today if he hadn’t stuck his nose where it didn’t belong.

watergate johnny roosevelt

Um, if anyone asks, we were, uh…doing some undercover investigations.  Yeah.  That’s it.

We mention this because, lately, we’ve been focusing a lot on “this alcohol is crazy” or “woahhh easy there, M&M flavors!” but we’ve been ignoring one of our founding principles.  Making fun of foreigners.  And in these increasingly divisive times, shouldn’t we be focusing less on what makes all of us different, and focusing more on making fun of what makes people in like, goddamn Europe different?  Have you ever seen lederhosen?  Ridiculous!

And while we were examining our past with an eye fixed firmly on the future (read as—a night where you sorta end up in one of those melancholy drunk moods) we stumbled across this little article from the British tabloid/reason-for-hundreds-of-lies-your-facebook-feed-has-told-you, Metro.  The article in question?

metro title

Oh you cheeky buggers.  Wait, no, that’s the quaint British way of saying what we really think.  Let’s Americanize up our reaction to this article just a tad.

You motherfucking sons of cockrashes.

There we go.  That’s much better.  Anyway, it’s been a while, so time to take apart this argument, one by one.  Because, Jesus, if we wanted to take food advice from the Brits, we don’t have a way to finish that analogy because no one in the history of cuisine, since the dawn of man where we as a species realized that cooking food makes it less likely to carry disease, has anyone ever wanted to take food advice from the Brits.

gordon fucking ramsey

Well, sure, okay, but yelling doesn’t count as advice.

Anyway, let’s take this article to pieces.

Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices

 stargazey Continue reading

6 Comments

Filed under England, Insulting Foreigners

Discontinued Doritos Flavors Too Beautiful For This World

“Why can’t I have you?  But I need you so.”

~American Taste Buds

doritos blazin jalapeno

Doritos are one of the better snack gifts we’ve given to the world.  Since 1964, when we first decided that we could probably get rid of our leftover tortillas by cutting them into triangles, frying them, and smothering them with fake cheese, Doritos has been there for every Super Bowl party and for every 2:30 AM stoned 7-Eleven run.  Even when Japan tried ruining Doritos, which came as a surprise to no one, they forever stood out as delicious, cheesy (or cool-ranchy) ways to get saturated fats into our bodies and flavor powder permanently tattooed onto our fingertips.

Japanese meddling notwithstanding, Doritos has never been content to stand by with just a handful of flavors.  In fact, they’ve released nearly a hundred different flavors throughout the years.  And despite the existence of “ketchup” or “sonic sour cream” flavors on that lengthy list of Doritos flavors that have been released and then rightfully vanquished to that warehouse where they put the Ark of the Covenant, some of these flavors actually sound delicious.  But they’re gone.  No matter how much we want to try them, we never can.

Here are some delicious Doritos flavors that the Frito-Lay company foolishly decided were mistakes.

Discontinued Doritos Flavors Too Beautiful For This World

 locos on doritos on locos

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under America's Best Foods, America's Culinary Treats, Strange Foods

The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History

“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”

~Every AFFotD staff member

Oliver Reed, September 1979.

Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t.  We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it.  For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”

We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol.  Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute.  So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.

The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History

 drinking Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Alcohol, Giver of Life, American Heroes, Drinkers

America’s 10 Grossest Ice Cream Flavors

“If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.”

~Garth Algar

ice cream

Every summer American childhood memory revolves around delicious treats that cool you down while giving you a hell of a sugar rush.  “You scream, I scream, we all scream for…” we all would shout in our formative years to have it interrupted by our father’s saying, “Shut up with your damn singing and get your father another fucking beer.  Oh Jesus, you’re crying again?  Man the fuck up, here, take this five dollar bill and get something from the ice cream truck, maybe that’ll get you out of my goddamn hair for one fucking minute.”  Ah, memories.

Here’s a fun test for you Americans at reading at home (or at work ) (or while pooping, whatever, we don’t judge).  Go to ten strangers and ask if they like ice cream.  You will probably get six people saying, “Um, yeah?” three people saying, “Who the fuck are you” and one person who goes, “No I do not like ice cream.”  Well congratulations, you’ve found the parasite, the host is dead, there’s nothing for you to do but to set him on fire and contain the pathogen.  So, 9 out of 9 Americans love ice cream, meaning that ice cream is infallible, much like pizza or Oreos.

Oh what’s that?  You clicked the above links and saw that it lead to gross examples of those aforementioned delicious treats?  Oh, you didn’t click on them because that seemed time consuming and you’re just skimming through this anyway?  Shut up, just, okay?  Just pretend you did.  Anyway, we’re going to talk about Americans that fuck up ice cream.

America’s 10 Grossest Ice Cream Flavors

 toothpaste and orange juice Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Strange Foods

The State of Our Union: KFC

“Listen, KFC, we need to talk.  You guys might need to…start cooling your shit.”

~Concerned Americans

kfc

We as a society have an incredibly short memory when it comes to change.  We freak the fuck out whenever Facebook alters it’s news feed only to completely forget about our reaction the next time they change the layout and we again, collectively, lose our shit.  That ability to accept the occasional big change while glossing over the small ones is completely natural, but it does mean that every so often we need to take a step back and look to see if we’ve gone too far.  Similarly to how you can watch eight seasons of a TV show and not realize how much the actors have aged until you revisit the first episode, we might not realize how far off the rails some of our favorite American establishments have gone until we take a step back and compare it to Japan.

Which brings us to our inaugural edition of our latest running article—The State of Our Union.  We will take an iconic American establishment and look at it with fresh, new eyes, to put in perspective if it truly is American, or if we’ve created a monster.  First up, we have a beloved institution that has been in existence since 1930—KFC, the artist formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The State of Our Union:  KFC

kfc meals Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under America's Culinary Treats

Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

“Listen, we’re not going to interrupt our perfectly drunk barbeque to post some damn article.  Have [REDACTED] write about, oh, let’s say, summer cocktails.  People love that shit right?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

cocktail

Summer has arrived, that time of year to sip some cold beer on your lawn while the men don their grilling aprons, the women don their short shorts and tube tops, and dad’s everywhere nudge their sons when someone wearing short shorts and a tube top walks by their grill.  It’s also a time for drinking alcoholic beverages outside the normal realm of your beer, wine, or whiskeys.  It’s a time where you can order your piña colada or your mai tai and no one can judge you.  And for the majority of us who had to weather the polar vortexes of 2014 (*glares jealously at Florida and Southern California*) we have truly earned every fruity, refreshing summer cocktail we can get our hands on.

That even applies to[REDACTED].  For those of our readers who might not remember, [REDACTED] is our investigative journalist who has gone insane, and as such now is forced to live out of our office’s utility closet until we can figure out a humane way to deal with him.  Until then, we give him the occasional article to write, which often involves us making him watch awful rap videos and describing them to you.  He’s normally drunk by the time we get him to do any writing for us, which frankly astonishes us because we have gone through very exhaustive efforts to make sure he has no alcohol or caustic materials within reach, yet somehow he’s, just, perennially drunk, like one of those people with gut fermentation syndrome who gets drunk they consume sugars or carbohydrates.

Anyway, we decided we were going to write about summer cocktails, because everyone loves writing about summer cocktails and it’s the kind of fluff piece that everyone and your mother (especially your mother) likes to post on their Facebook timelines.  Now admittedly, we failed to realize that, without any proper alcohol or mixers, the results might not exactly be appealing, but here’s the five cocktails that [REDACTED] came up with.

Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

east180_1043555a Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Strange Alcohol, [REDACTED]

The 7 Longest Books in American History

“That’s no book.  It’s a space station.”

~Obi-wan Librarian

giant book

America has a very tenuous relationship with books, and literacy in general.  On one hand, you’re here, reading these words, and only about 25% of you have to slowly-mouth-out-the-words-as-you-read-along.  But on the other hand, reading is hard.  Hell, that’s why this page is covered with flags and bears and shit because look at the shiny things look at the shiny things thanks for the page click sorry there aren’t more side-boob slideshows for you.

The fact of the matter is, while many Americans appreciate a good book, and even spend their free time reading as opposed to, say, drinking and watching Netflix in whiskey haze, others think that books are for suckers.  We’re not going to take a side on this topic, unless we write and subsequently try to sell a book, in which case, literature is awesome, RIP Borders you will be missed, long live Barnes and Noble.  But, as long as there has been literature, there have been works of literature that are soooooo long (“how long are they?”) they are soooo long… that it would take an incredible amount of time and patience to get through them.

Damn, we really thought there could be a joke in there.  A joke about long books…long…something.  Nope, we got nothing.  Damn shame.  Anyway, here are the longest books ever written by American authors.

The 7 Longest Books In America

 war and peace

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under America Fun Fact of the Day