“I don’t care how it’s spelled, it’s delicious, give me more.”
~Webster’s English Dictionary
If you’ve ever had a donut from Dunkin’ Donuts or a doughnut from Krispy Kreme or a Canadian bump into you and apologetically hand you a free cup of coffee at a Tim Hortons, you’re well familiar with North America’s favorite fried ring-shaped treat that sometimes isn’t ring-shaped at all. While we our never 1s to be stickelers for speling, there does seem to be a dispute on if we should call it a “doughnut” or a “donut.” Doughnut seems to be the original term used all over the world, while donuts originated in America, which uses both terms interchangeably. At the end of the day, we don’t care, because doughnuts (donuts) are delicious (yummy) and that’s true no matter what you call them.
But with doughnuts becoming increasingly popular, both in their native form and in the creation of ridiculous sandwiches, it’s time for us as Americans to take a step back and look at the history of our favorite deep fried sugar capsules. Which is why we present to you…
The History of Doughnuts (Or Donuts. Or Whatever)
“*the sound of a human sized block of ice shattering after dropping to the ground*”
~Americans this winter
This week, America has been experiencing an event known as a “Polar Vortex” which apparently is not the name of an albino porn star, but rather some science term that means “it got really fucking cold everywhere except for southern California, who spent a whole week bragging about how warm it was while people in the Midwest were actively freezing to death.” As subzero temperatures swept across the nation, seeing wind chills as low as 50 degrees below zero, the nation collectively (except for southern California. Fuck you guys) bundled up in every article of clothing they owned and exclaimed a single, extended, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…”
Schools closed, roads ground to a halt, residents of Chicago decided that “Chiberia” was the best pun they could come up with after the cold cut off much of the circulation to their brains, and people who remember commercials from 1998 started imagining Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwiches in a futile attempt to warm themselves.
Now some people, when faced with a bleak and cold environment, like to think of warm, happy thoughts. A comfy blanket. A hot bowl of soup. Slowly but enjoyably suffocating to death between Dolly Parton’s boobs in 1973. Us? We just get whiskey drunk and look at places that are even colder so we can try to convince ourselves to stop being such goddamn pussies over this goddamn negative 15 degree weather.
That’s why we’re going to show you a list of cities from five states in America where, and we’re just guessing here, it’s too cold for fire to even exist.
The Five Coldest Recorded Temperatures in American History (by state)
“I feel like drinking wine out of a can is conducive to my violent hand gestures when I speak.”
Alcohol packaging has gone a long way since the days where our ancestors desperately suckled mead from a hole bored into a dried sheep’s bladder, which has been out of fashion since at least the 1930s. Now, beer, wine, and liquor comes in a variety of packages such as bottles, boxes, bathtubs, your stomach, and Bender Rodriguez. Of these many innovations, by far the most practical and actually-legal-at-certain-beaches of these containers would be the aluminum can. Cheap, lightweight, it’s the perfect alcohol vessel for someone on the go and for overweight frat boys who like to crunch things on their head to prove they have the ability to crunch things on their head.
In a darker past, drinking alcohol from a can meant you were being forced to chug low-grade domestic sludge Budweiser or Coors, but as canning technology has improved, so too has the quality of aluminum encased alcohol. And since our alcohol purchases can suddenly become tax deductible if we write about them, we’re here to present you with…
A Definitive Guide To Canned Alcohol
“Arteries…closing…tell my family…yum…”
~AFFotD’s (Former) Intern Food Taster
If you’ve ever been to this site, you’ve probably realized that we talk a lot (and we mean a lot) about fried foods. Seriously, just look at the top of the page and hover your mouse over “America’s Culinary Treats.” Yup, there it is, third item down. Of course, the reason why we talk about fried food so often is that America does fried food better than anyone, and we have more revolutionary breakthroughs in fried food technology than the human genome project.
Naturally, state fairs and carnivals are where the newest, most insane fried foods come out to play, and this year’s Texas State Fair was no exception. So, we’re here to give you a partial list of the most insane fried foods to be featured this year, because it’s been five hours since your last fried food dish, and you’re starting to get the shakes.
The Craziest Fried Foods of the 2013 State Fair of Texas
“…Gas? GAS! GAAASSSSSS! MASKS ON! MASKS ON GODDAMN IT! OH GOD TOO LATE!!!!”
~Residents of Irwindale, CA
The American Evolution Of Seasoning and Spicy Foods
“They melt in your heart, not in your OH MOTHER OF GOD SOMETHING HAS GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.”
~Rejected M&M slogan
In 1941, Forrest Mars, Sr., son of the Mars Company founder Frank C. Mars, patented a process for tempering a hard shell of chocolate around chocolate pellets in order to prevent the candies from melting. Production immediately began under the name M&M Limited (named for Mars and Bruce Murrie, the son of the president of Hershey’s chocolate with a 20% stake in the product), with an agreement to only use Hershey chocolate. These button-shaped candies exploded in popularity during the second World War due to their durability, and the shells were given bright colors such as yellow, green, red, and violet to go along with standard brown-colored shells. And with that, an American institution was created.
These “m” printed candies are now sold in over 100 countries, but remain the most popular to-go chocolate snack for Americans everywhere. The simple elegance of the coated milk chocolate delivers a burst of flavor with each individual candy, and just thinking about M&Ms while reading this article has you saying, “Goddamn it, I really want a bag of M&M’s right now.” And you should.
Throughout the years we’ve been sampling the best of America, we’ve learned through painful, gut-wrenching trial and error, that sometimes the best American ideas are cruelly marred by our at-times overzealous imaginations. Yes, the same good intentions and terrible execution that gave us Watermelon Oreos has befallen the perfection that is the M&M candy. And, as is our sworn duty, we are here to let you know that these mistakes exist, because it’s only when we see those we care about at their ugliest that we can truly learn to love their beauty. Or we just like telling you about terrifying candies. However you want to look at it.
M&M’s Grossest Flavors of All Time
“Let’s see them sleigh bells ring-a-ling, jing-jing-jing-a-ling too/ Come on it’s a lovely weather for WHO ARE YOU YOU ARE FULL OF SPIDERS I AM BECOME DEATH DESTROYER OF METH.”
~The Mountain’s Most Recent Holiday Jingle
Last week, we could barely contain our excitement that The Mountain had released a holiday collection, combining Christmas cheer with the best shirts for absorbing Robitussin stains. Any time we get an opportunity to write snarky-but-honestly-we-love-them-so-it’s-all-in-jest articles about Big Face Animal shirts is a special occasion for us, so you can only imagine how thrilled we were to open our email to see the following message greeting us after last week’s post.
Again, to members of The Mountain reading this, we’re not above accepting free samples.
Anyway, as previously mentioned, the glory of The Mountain’s holiday collection could not dare be contained in a single fun fact, so we’re here to double your pleasure, and double your fun, or at least double your desire to find the nearest gas station that still sells Sparks. And to you readers out there, if you see a shirt you un-ironically (or, for many of you, let’s be honest here, ironically) want to purchase, feel free to email us asking for the URL that we literally put in the first sentence of our article. No, seriously, do that, it would make our day.
The Mountain’s Holiday Shirt Collection (Part 2)
“Dashing through the snow, taking all the meth, look at these T-shirts, they truly are the best, HO HO HO!”
~Official Holiday Jingle Of The Mountain
We love The Mountain, purveyors of the Three Wolf Moon shirt and Big Face Animal shirts. We’ve taken it upon ourselves to show off their designs every time they release a new collection, because there’s nothing more fashionable than a giant both-realistic-and-cartoonish-at-the-same-time face bursting out of your chest, and we love wearing shirts that encourage us to spill booze and chicken grease on ourselves without feeling an iota of shame or remorse.
So do we have a treat for you. With Thanksgiving in the rear view mirror, Christmas just a few short weeks away, and Hanukkah oh God Hanukkah has already started you might have to pay extra for overnight shipping to make sure you can order these shirts for your family in time, what better holiday gift can you hope for than the latest “available in size XXXL” offering from our favorite insane T-shirt makers?
The Mountain’s Holiday Shirt Collection
“I want this inside me.”
~Internal AFFotD Memo
For most Americans, the only complaint they can think of regarding alcohol is that you can’t drink and eat it at the same time. Of course, professional booze hounds throughout the nation know that this isn’t entirely true, and some of you have already discovered and happily devoured various alcohol-laced treat after a fulfilling meal/binge drinking session.
But if you’re an American hoping to eat your booze in a delicious manner, there’s only one base liquor you can allow yourself to seek. Bourbon. Giver of life, taker of brain cells, more American than apple pie bourbon. You can go ahead and thank us in advance for introducing these to your life.
Five Delicious Culinary Treats Made Out Of Bourbon
“Wait, this…this is wonderful. Is this a test? What did I do to earn this?”
When [REDACTED], our much maligned investigative journalist, took over our servers a few months ago to use affotd.com as launching point for his Buzzfeed application, we were pretty pissed off at first. Normally, we’d respond to such disrespect by making him talk about Cricket, or maybe force him to eat something with tofu on it. But after some deep reflection (read as, heavy drinking) our editorial staff decided that maybe we were going about it all wrong. You catch more flies with honey, as the saying goes, though we can’t for the life of us figure out why anyone would want to exert effort catching flies in the first place. So maybe, instead of punishing [REDACTED], we should give him a video we know he’ll love, and allow him to write about that.
Yeah, it probably won’t do much good, and we’ll probably start giving him horrific white celebrity raps (Ron Jeremy anybody?) as soon as we come down from this Jack Daniels buzz, but at least today [REDACTED] can spend a few thousand words picking out screen grabs from a wonderfully American video. Because look at that picture up there. Isn’t that the most goddamn beautiful start to a video you can possibly imagine? [REDACTED] better appreciate what we’re doing for him here.
[REDACTED] Watches Con Bro Chill’s “Born Free America”