Tag Archives: AFFotD News Item of the Month

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

“Forsake your God, because all that lies herein is death and fire and petulance, and none can save you, none shall live.”

~Official Budweiser Press Release

 mixxtail

Listen, America, this shit is important.  You need to start ignoring Budweiser.  We’re already on the way to phasing out Budweiser, with 44% of drinkers aged 21 to 27 having never had a Bud in their wonderfully enriched lives, but we’re getting to the point where Budweiser is going to do its best to get your attention, and you mustn’t let it.  Much like a misbehaving child or, more accurately, an emotionally unstable ex who keeps sending you messages no matter what you do, Budweiser is going to get more and more loud with their terrible, awful beerness before they start to fade away.  It’s going to take a long time, but we have to do whatever we can to ignore Budweiser’s “U Out?  I’m not wareing undrware ;P” texts while we can, because the company has clearly gone insane and there’s no sign of them letting up for now, and our only course of action is to close our eyes and hope they go away.

In 2011, Anheuser-Busch purchased Goose Island in their attempt to corner a market that saw more and more Americans shunning Budweiser for beer that, you know, tastes good.  The following year, they brought forth Bud Light Platinum, which you might know as “why does my beer taste like someone drizzled like, three sips worth of vodka in here?”  2012 also saw the creation of the Lime-a-Rita, which is a great way for people who don’t like alcohol to remind themselves that they really need to sit down and reevaluate their lives.

lime a rita

“I like it because it’s fruity, but it still can get you drunk, and oh God how did I end up passed out in a Walmart?”

Lately, Budweiser has been playing the role of the petulant child, spending millions of dollars to shout at Americans for “tasting” their beer instead of “drinking it” during the Super Bowl which, frankly, sounds like the kind of thing you’d hear Joe Rogan say as encouragement to a contestant of Fear Factor during the gross-out food part of the show. “Don’t taste it!  Just eat it!  If you manage not to puke you go on to the next round!”

Which brings us to the latest shout of “Mommy mommy look what I can do” that is set to be released on February 16th (oh darn, it’ll just miss Valentine’s Day, huh?) and also our latest totally-not-monthly installment of…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

mixxxtaillll

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Jay Leone: 90-Year-Old Gunfighter/Badass

“Fuck you, you son of a bitch, now it’s my turn.”

~Jay Leone, 90-year-old American (seriously)

When people ask our staff what we’re going to be when we hit 90,  before we get a chance to say anything they answer for us by saying, “celebrating the 30th anniversary of our fatal liver failure.”  Ha.  Zing.  Our lifestyle is not particularly sustainable.

But even the most genetically superior Americans amongst our staff would have to admit that we’d have nothing on Greenbrae, California resident and former Sheriff’s deputy, Jay Leone.  That’s why we’re here with another AFFotD News Item of the Month, to tell you the story of…

Jay Leone: 90-year-old gunfighter/badass

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

“Ketchup is a VEGETABLE.”

~Jeff Winger

“Eat your vegetables.”  As an American child, you no doubt had that phrase condescendingly said to you just moments before everything turned red and when you woke up the man in the police uniform was asking all those pointed questions about where the school’s nutrition councilor has gone.  If your parents ever tried to make you eat Brussels sprouts, you’re legally allowed to emancipate yourself.  The point we’re trying to make is that we as a country hate vegetables- there’s a reason why no self-respecting American would ever eat a salad unless the word “Taco” was involved somehow.

Yes, it should come as no surprise that we at AFFotD, who employ “fuck nature” as a mantra and constantly express our love of fried foods and liquor, are not particularly fond of vegetables.  And why should we be?  If you think about  it, vegetables are horrendously disgusting.  Vegetables come from the ground, which means that we’re eating something that basically spent a large portion of its existence living in dirt.  That’s gross.  Dirt is where worms fuck.  Would you want to eat something that grew out of Dennis Rodman’s sex swing?  We didn’t think so.

Our hatred of vegetables is deeply rooted.  We’d also like to think it’s deeply American.  And thankfully, some lawmakers agree with us on that front.  Why else would they attempt to classify pizza as a vegetable?

…Hold on a second…sorry…we… we promised we wouldn’t cry.  We’re just so happy.  So proud.  Here’s your fun fact.

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!

 

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AFFotD’s News Item of the Month: What the Fuck, Japan?

“Goddamn it Japan, you’re DOING IT WRONG!”

~America Fun Fact of the Day


Every once in a while, the man who we hired to read news stories out loud to us (because…reading?  Eww) comes across something shocking, disturbing, and downright terrifying.  We don’t know what these stories are going to be, but we have expectations for worst case scenarios.  For example, there could be a report about state banning liquor.  Maybe an article about people turning poop into beef.  Or, God forbid, a story about parasites live in potato chips and cause your face to melt.

Of course, we never run into anything like…wait.  What?

…No…

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh God no, no nooooooooo.

Don’t make us do it… Don’t make us make this…

AFFotD’s News Item of the Month

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Goose Island Brewmaster Urinates Publically (AFFotD News Item of the Month)

“I don’t care if we’ve never done a News Item of the Month, this guy pissed in a goddamn pint glass, we’re writing about it.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Much like how the Eskimos treat their elders, we don’t care much for newspapers.  Honestly, if we wanted to see dinosaurs, we’d go to a museum.  If we wanted to see a dead body, we’d go to the nearby creek with a stick.  But it’s not free admissions day at the museum, and it’s not a Friday by the creek, so why on Earth would we want to read a newspaper?

We’re telling you our stance on newspapers because while we were using some newspapers as kindling today, and we ran across a story that caught our attention for several reasons.  One is that it involved public urination, as well as alcohol.  But mainly, it brought to mind an AFFotD we posted just last week.

So we had to tell you, readers of the internet, about it.  Since, as we said before, newspapers are dying faster than the black characters in early 90’s horror films.

But apparently, Greg Hall, former brewmaster of the recently-purchased-by-Budweiser Goose Island got in hot water for filling up some pint glasses with his own urine at a bar the other day.

AFFotD was there.  And here is the recap.

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