“Fuck you, you son of a bitch, now it’s my turn.”
~Jay Leone, 90-year-old American (seriously)
When people ask our staff what we’re going to be when we hit 90, before we get a chance to say anything they answer for us by saying, “celebrating the 30th anniversary of our fatal liver failure.” Ha. Zing. Our lifestyle is not particularly sustainable.
But even the most genetically superior Americans amongst our staff would have to admit that we’d have nothing on Greenbrae, California resident and former Sheriff’s deputy, Jay Leone. That’s why we’re here with another AFFotD News Item of the Month, to tell you the story of…
Jay Leone: 90-year-old gunfighter/badass
“Ketchup is a VEGETABLE.”
“Eat your vegetables.” As an American child, you no doubt had that phrase condescendingly said to you just moments before everything turned red and when you woke up the man in the police uniform was asking all those pointed questions about where the school’s nutrition councilor has gone. If your parents ever tried to make you eat Brussels sprouts, you’re legally allowed to emancipate yourself. The point we’re trying to make is that we as a country hate vegetables- there’s a reason why no self-respecting American would ever eat a salad unless the word “Taco” was involved somehow.
Yes, it should come as no surprise that we at AFFotD, who employ “fuck nature” as a mantra and constantly express our love of fried foods and liquor, are not particularly fond of vegetables. And why should we be? If you think about it, vegetables are horrendously disgusting. Vegetables come from the ground, which means that we’re eating something that basically spent a large portion of its existence living in dirt. That’s gross. Dirt is where worms fuck. Would you want to eat something that grew out of Dennis Rodman’s sex swing? We didn’t think so.
Our hatred of vegetables is deeply rooted. We’d also like to think it’s deeply American. And thankfully, some lawmakers agree with us on that front. Why else would they attempt to classify pizza as a vegetable?
…Hold on a second…sorry…we… we promised we wouldn’t cry. We’re just so happy. So proud. Here’s your fun fact.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE!!!!!!
“Goddamn it Japan, you’re DOING IT WRONG!”
~America Fun Fact of the Day
Every once in a while, the man who we hired to read news stories out loud to us (because…reading? Eww) comes across something shocking, disturbing, and downright terrifying. We don’t know what these stories are going to be, but we have expectations for worst case scenarios. For example, there could be a report about state banning liquor. Maybe an article about people turning poop into beef. Or, God forbid, a story about parasites live in potato chips and cause your face to melt.
Of course, we never run into anything like…wait. What?
Oh God no, no nooooooooo.
Don’t make us do it… Don’t make us make this…
AFFotD’s News Item of the Month