“Four ass kickings and seven names taken ago… I’m trying to say I beat the shit out of people.”
Many AFFotD readers have seen posts about legendary Americans such as Ulysses S. Grant, Teddy Roosevelt, and Teddy Roosevelt (“Oh hey, you guys made a mistake…you said Teddy Roosevelt twice.” No we didn’t make any mistake, fuck you) and have likely thought that a few true American heroes were missing from the list. Sometimes it’s because we’re lazy and we just read something about flavored vodka, but in other instances these figures can be to seminal to the American experience that summing up their accomplishments into a series of alcohol related dick jokes can be a daunting task. Such is the case of the mutant American badass, and one of the most influential American ugly person president…Abraham Lincoln.
Yeah he did that too.
“It, um, well it is…pretty nice.”
~President Barack Obama
While we in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices prefer to talk about historical American buildings that look like genitalia, there are certain buildings that define America, even if they don’t like anything funny. Well, granted, the Capital building sort of looks like a boob if you squint at it…
…but one of the most iconic buildings in America is, and always will be, The White House, the home of America’s president, and likely the origin of the term, “Papa gets swag.”
“Gonna getchya drunk, bitches.”
We expect a lot from our Presidents. Sign this bill, kill this terrorist, take a lengthy vacation, sign this other bill, cover up that murder committed by your cousin, give a presidential pardon to a turkey on Thanksgiving, it can be quite a chore. And many American Presidents have had to find their own creative ways to let off some steam while on the job. Richard Nixon had his voyeuristic taping habits. Bill Clinton had chubby chicks. Jimmy Carter would club homeless people over the head and trap them inside the drywall of houses made for the poor.
However, there is a little known Presidential hobby that is becoming increasingly popular, and results in a lot less collateral damage than Jimmy “My Kindly Southern Disposition Hides a Sinister Past” Carter.
That’s right. Presidents like to brew beer. USA! USA!
“Osama’s dead! I mean…beer!”
“I got your Vice-Presidency riiiiight here.”
The America Fun Fact of the Day organization has taken a lot of heat from various public interest groups over the years, which is to be expected whenever a fresh, vibrant voice appears to lead the general public down the proper American path. Native American groups really didn’t take kindly to our Super Bowl commercials that ran under the slogan, “Indians: Stop Bitching and Be Thankful We Let You Have Casinos” (though, surprisingly, the media uproar over those spots was largely overshadowed by how much people inexplicably loathed those boring Groupon ads). A lot of Eastern European groups tend to take umbrage with our bizarre inexplicable hatred towards Ukranians. And, of course, we take a lot of heat from MADD for our supposedly controversial “High Fives for safe Buzzed drivers” program, and our, “Blowing a .08 isn’t nearly as big of a crime as blowing a .2, get over it America” advertising banners that we may or may not have placed on the MADD website for a time.
We didn’t earn any favors with this campaign either…
And of our many transgressions (people always tend to overlook our Condor fighting ring, which baffles us to no end) our stance towards alcohol (mainly that it’s awesome) tends to get a surprising amount of backlash. Not that we care to address that backlash at the moment. Let’s put it this way, 90% of the people that tell us, “Alcohol ruins lives” also list their favorite TV shows as being According to Jim, Two and a Half Men, and The Bachelor. Call us cynical, but we’re not too worried about losing that demographic as readers.
This show got eight seasons. EIGHT. Yet Arrested Development got cancelled after three. This message was sponsored by whiskey. “Whiskey: Drink me to forget.”
Alcohol is as American as drinking Alcohol, which, for those who have never read AFFotD, is incredibly American. And that’s why we choose to salute one of the best moments in American Alcohol consumption. The Vice-Presidential inauguration of Abraham Lincoln’s Vice President, Andrew Johnson.
“I’m not saying I am clearly a hit with the ladies, but…*points*”
George Washington was part warlock, part astronaut, and 100% American badass. His laser vision often destroyed waves upon waves of British soldiers, and his laser foresight vision helped blast a searing hole of plasma into the future to ensure that America could grow and become the country we know and love today. So it comes as little surprise that in 1832, after much hemming and hawing among baffling political parties who were “Anti-Washington,” our fine nation decided to commemorate the memory of one of our greatest founding fathers with a National monument in the form of the world’s largest penis obelisk penis.
This is the story of that giant erect phallus.
“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask…hey, who’s the blonde?”
~John F. Kennedy
It is a sad but simple truth that not all of our American heroes live a full life. Some are fixed in the cosmos, shining beacons of glory, while others pass through like a shooting star, all-too-brief, but spectacular for its short time among us. And sometimes, a shooting star will see another shooting star and bone it.
John F. Kennedy was one of those sex craved shooting stars.
“I’m so drunk right now, I have no idea what’s going on. Where are my pants?”
~President Ulysses S. Grant, Battle of Gettysburg
As a general rule, we here at America Fun Fact of the Day like our Civil War generals, and our nation’s leaders, like we like our coffee. Just filled to the brim with booze. And while many famous U.S. Presidents dabbled in their own well known vices (JFK’s foot fetish, FDR’s presidential throne made out of people, Bill Clinton’s ecstasy raves) few were able to employ their debauchery to so effectively serve the nation as Ulysses S. Grant.
Pictured: Proof that no man can ever again be this manly.
Not pictured: Pants
Also Pictured: Cow lick
“Shit shit shit, guys, it’s Teddy Roosevelt. We’re fucked.”
While America has produced its fair share of mutant supermen, only one of the nation’s past presidents was actually allergic to electricity, due to the metallic nature of his testicles. A man who once cut another man in half by blinking at him. A man who didn’t like Spaghetti because it was “Too Italian”, so he only subsided on hamburgers and his enemies’ fears. That man of course, is Theodore Roosevelt.
“Hi. Do NOT fuck with me”