Category Archives: America&#8217;s Culinary Treats

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Filed under Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks

Tagged as America, Expensive Hamburgers, Hamburger

July 10, 2012 · 12:01 AM

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

“…YOINK!”

~American Chefs

We’re all familiar with the term “Ethnic food.” It’s an easy, catch-all phrase that we tend to interpret as “shouldn’t your drunk ass be reaching for something American like a hamburger instead?” Chinese Food, Mexican Food, other foods that tend not to be open as late or taste as delicious when drunk so we’re not even going to bother to list them, yes all of these are foods of foreign nations that America has begrudgingly accepted with open, inebriated arms.

Of course, the popularity of Ethnic Food would make us a little upset at the lack of Americans preferring to eat steaks with an American Flag tastefully branded into it during the cooking process if it weren’t for one surprising fact. Most of the best Ethnic Food isn’t Ethnic at all. It was invented right here, in the USA.

That’s right. If this list from Mental Floss is to be believed, any unhealthy food you can do, we can do better. So what else can we do but go through each American invented “ethnic” dish and discuss how American it was for us to hijack their cuisine and put our MSG loving paws on it.

AFFotD Reviews The Five Ethnic Foods That Were Invented In America

America’s Most Insane Fried Foods: Part 5

“MOAR! GODDAMN IT I SAID MOAR!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

As we’ve mentioned time and time and time again, America loves Fried Food even more than we love Hulk Hogan, and don’t get us started about how much America loves the Hulkster. The moment you choose to fry a food, you make it unhealthy and therefore delicious, and anytime someone says, “I don’t think you can deep fry that” they are automatically deported back to France and are placed in forced mime labor camps, where they must spend their days wearing white face makeup while they pretend to break and move boulders while trapped inside invisible boxes. And they totally deserve their fate—when someone asks you if you would eat a deep fried sports car, the correct answer is, “Holy shit, where can I find that!” not “Uh, no, you…you realize that our bodies can’t consume metal, no matter what you do to it, right?”

And as summer approaches, so does State Fair season, which is that magical time of year where aspiring fry chefs look to get middle America as fat as possible without causing their hearts to explode, like some obesity version of Jenga (once things start wobbling you have to wait for it to settle before finishing the piece). So in that fine American tradition, we are here to clue you in on even more fried foods created to take you that one step closer to just giving up and intravenously pumping melted butter into your arteries between meals.

America’s Most Insane Fried Foods: Part 5

Filed under Fried Foods

Tagged as America, Food, Fried Foods, Hulk Hogan, John Goodman

May 24, 2012 · 8:59 AM

More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors

“Coffee coffee coffee coffee?”

~Coffee coffee

As we’ve described in detail earlier, America loves coffee as it is, but that doesn’t mean we’re above making it taste like insane combinations of flavors, like coconut lime jalapeno, or like black velvet cognac. Most people like coffee, because it’s a drug, but some people don’t like the taste of coffee, because it’s the bitter bi-product of forcing boiling water through burned and crushed beans. Either way, coffee is one of the things that keeps America humming like a well drugged machine (at least until they legalize Cocaine again), and the only thing more American than coffee is America’s ability to make coffee that tricks you into thinking its cake.

Because cake is delicious, but cake that wakes you up in the morning is even more delicious. And cake that wakes you up in the morning that tastes better when you pour whiskey in it is themost delicious.

(We’re assuming that the only reason why Americans drink coffee is to give them a convenient place to empty their morning flask of whiskeys.)

Anyway, once again, it’s time for AFFotD to count through…

More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors

Filed under Strange Foods

Tagged as America, Breakfast, Coffee, coffee flavors, Strange Coffee

May 1, 2012 · 12:01 AM

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

“Pizza Hut: Taste The Rainbow!”

~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans

Pizza chains are a staple of American society. They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious. And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.

Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza. As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes. While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most. Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.

It’s always Japan.

The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World

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Filed under Pizza Pizza, Strange Foods, The Rest of Them

Tagged as America, Foreign Countries, Japan, pizza, Pizza Hut

April 12, 2012 · 12:01 AM

England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

“What…no. How?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Every so often our readers will alert us to something that deserves the attention of the average American. This can be an article, a Wikipedia entry of some sort, or one time it was just a piece of parchment with the words “I love you Jodie” scribbled over and over in blood. Seriously, John, get over it, she’s not even into dudes.

What we’re trying to say is, sometimes we’re given an article that says, in its headline, everything we would be able to say on the topic. But does that stop us from going ahead and writing on that topic anyway? No, of course not, this is America, to us redundancy is just a word that we don’t understand because it has more than three syllables in it (is it, like, a type of cheese?)

The article in question comes from Gizmodo, and states succinctly, “I can’t believe this hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn’t American.” We can’t either, Gizmodo. But now we need to know everything that we could possible know about…

England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?

Filed under England, Pizza Pizza

Tagged as America, Hot Dog, Hot Dog Pizza, mustard, mustard drizzle, pizza, Pizza Hut

April 3, 2012 · 12:01 AM

The American History of Breakfast Cereals

“I’m cuckoo for catchphrases!”

~American cereal executives

America doesn’t like to eat food that came from the ground. The only use we have for grains is if we want something to rest the cheese and sauce of our pizza on, or if we want to burn it into a vapor and distill it into sweet, sweet alcohol. Yet, despite our dislike of grains, America has found some of the most innovative uses for things such as wheat, corn, and barley. No, we’re not talking about ethanol and alternative energies, get your head out of your ass, we’re talking about breakfast cereals. Delicious, sugary, doused in milk cereal.

Cereal is the primary source of hyperactive children and “regular” adults, and it should come as no surprise that a product that can be described as “overly sugared pellet food” was invented in America. That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Breakfast Cereals

SPAM: Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937

“Spammmmmm”

~Monty Python

Humanity’s desire to over-season their food directly led to the discover of America. So it seems only fitting that Americans everywhere make it a point to inject their foods with enough sodium to make their cardiologists say, “Please, just…stop.” And when people think of questionable foods that only get their appeal by being the nutritional equivalent of a salt lick, we of course think to the classic American food product and scrambled-eggs-improver, SPAM.

So let’s focus less on the sizzle and more on the chopped pork shoulder meat steak with this American salute to…

SPAM: Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937

And “Crazy Tasty” for that brief period in the 1990’s where you could get away with saying “Crazy Tasty.”

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Filed under America's Best Foods

Tagged as America, hot dogs, Monty Python, Spam

March 20, 2012 · 12:01 AM

Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912

“What’s the deal with Oreos? More like WHORE-eos, amiright? This guy knows what I’m talking about!”

~Booo, you suck, get off the stage!

Recently, an American desert institution celebrated 100 years of tricking kids into drinking milk while making it easier for The Mighty Ducks to throw around racial jokes that have aged pretty poorly. Yes, soggy Oreos have been shoved down eager American gullets and made here in the grand U S of A since 1912. And what better way to celebrate this centennial with a good old fashioned fun fact about everyone’s cookie product (behind Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mints and Samoas ), the Oreo.

Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912