“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Americans love hamburgers. It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away. They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already. Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.
However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us. Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.
Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang? That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…
America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers
“MOAR! GODDAMN IT I SAID MOAR!”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
As we’ve mentioned time and time and time again, America loves Fried Food even more than we love Hulk Hogan, and don’t get us started about how much America loves the Hulkster. The moment you choose to fry a food, you make it unhealthy and therefore delicious, and anytime someone says, “I don’t think you can deep fry that” they are automatically deported back to France and are placed in forced mime labor camps, where they must spend their days wearing white face makeup while they pretend to break and move boulders while trapped inside invisible boxes. And they totally deserve their fate—when someone asks you if you would eat a deep fried sports car, the correct answer is, “Holy shit, where can I find that!” not “Uh, no, you…you realize that our bodies can’t consume metal, no matter what you do to it, right?”
And as summer approaches, so does State Fair season, which is that magical time of year where aspiring fry chefs look to get middle America as fat as possible without causing their hearts to explode, like some obesity version of Jenga (once things start wobbling you have to wait for it to settle before finishing the piece). So in that fine American tradition, we are here to clue you in on even more fried foods created to take you that one step closer to just giving up and intravenously pumping melted butter into your arteries between meals.
America’s Most Insane Fried Foods: Part 5
“Coffee coffee coffee coffee?”
As we’ve described in detail earlier, America loves coffee as it is, but that doesn’t mean we’re above making it taste like insane combinations of flavors, like coconut lime jalapeno, or like black velvet cognac. Most people like coffee, because it’s a drug, but some people don’t like the taste of coffee, because it’s the bitter bi-product of forcing boiling water through burned and crushed beans. Either way, coffee is one of the things that keeps America humming like a well drugged machine (at least until they legalize Cocaine again), and the only thing more American than coffee is America’s ability to make coffee that tricks you into thinking its cake.
Because cake is delicious, but cake that wakes you up in the morning is even more delicious. And cake that wakes you up in the morning that tastes better when you pour whiskey in it is themost delicious.
(We’re assuming that the only reason why Americans drink coffee is to give them a convenient place to empty their morning flask of whiskeys.)
Anyway, once again, it’s time for AFFotD to count through…
More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors
“Pizza Hut: Taste The Rainbow!”
~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans
Pizza chains are a staple of American society. They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious. And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.
Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza. As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes. While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most. Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.
It’s always Japan.
The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Every so often our readers will alert us to something that deserves the attention of the average American. This can be an article, a Wikipedia entry of some sort, or one time it was just a piece of parchment with the words “I love you Jodie” scribbled over and over in blood. Seriously, John, get over it, she’s not even into dudes.
What we’re trying to say is, sometimes we’re given an article that says, in its headline, everything we would be able to say on the topic. But does that stop us from going ahead and writing on that topic anyway? No, of course not, this is America, to us redundancy is just a word that we don’t understand because it has more than three syllables in it (is it, like, a type of cheese?)
The article in question comes from Gizmodo, and states succinctly, “I can’t believe this hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn’t American.” We can’t either, Gizmodo. But now we need to know everything that we could possible know about…
England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?
Humanity’s desire to over-season their food directly led to the discover of America. So it seems only fitting that Americans everywhere make it a point to inject their foods with enough sodium to make their cardiologists say, “Please, just…stop.” And when people think of questionable foods that only get their appeal by being the nutritional equivalent of a salt lick, we of course think to the classic American food product and scrambled-eggs-improver, SPAM.
So let’s focus less on the sizzle and more on the chopped pork shoulder meat steak with this American salute to…
SPAM: Fulfilling Your Daily Value of Sodium since 1937
And “Crazy Tasty” for that brief period in the 1990’s where you could get away with saying “Crazy Tasty.”
“What’s the deal with Oreos? More like WHORE-eos, amiright? This guy knows what I’m talking about!”
~Booo, you suck, get off the stage!
Recently, an American desert institution celebrated 100 years of tricking kids into drinking milk while making it easier for The Mighty Ducks to throw around racial jokes that have aged pretty poorly. Yes, soggy Oreos have been shoved down eager American gullets and made here in the grand U S of A since 1912. And what better way to celebrate this centennial with a good old fashioned fun fact about everyone’s cookie product (behind Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mints and Samoas ), the Oreo.
Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912
“I will punch you in the goddamn face if you besmirch Astronaut Ice Cream.”
While Russia may have been the first country to stick their dirty, probably frostbitten, grubby little fingers into the great pool of outer space, but America was the country that blindly cannonballed in there as we made it our bitch. Take that, comrades, how’s never going to the moon feel? Pretty shitty, huh?
While we might only now be finally catching up to the American dream of drinking a beer in space, we realized pretty early on in the game that it was important for us to feed our astronauts. So, of course, Americans have spent decades researching and determining what a select few can eat when they are floating in a tin can far above the world. Yes, this mental energy could have been spent on trivial things like “curing cancer” or “inventing a mayonnaise that won’t make bread soggy if it’s stored overnight” but, nope, we had to feed 500 people over a 50 year period. Damn straight we did! Astronauts get swag, you should know this by now. That’s why we’re here to present…
The American History of Space Food