“More like Bud…WHYYYYYYY…uh, ser.”
~We’re not the best at puns
Budweiser is the number one selling beer in America. Let that sink in, America, and think long and hard about what you did. Do you do this just to make us upset? Do you? The reason doesn’t matter, all that we know is that Americans spend more of their money buying beer produced by a Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate than on beer that tastes like anything other than sadness. We’re not joking, we’re pretty confident abject sorrow is the active ingredient in Budweiser, and we got confirmation of this fact once we saw this Yahoo Answers post which is easily the most depressing thing we’ve ever read about beer.
While Budweiser is not exactly known for pushing the envelope past their “straw flavored spit water” standard, they do branch out on occasion and try to introduce new beers to an always-hungry-for-innovation market. The most popular of these efforts tend to range from “Bad but people seem to like it” to “this beer is not actively awful.” Even though they set a pretty low bar with all their products, they have managed to, time and time again, create terrifying concoctions. Beverages that haunt all who drink them for the remainder of their days.
Here are five such monstrosities.
Budweiser’s Five Worst “Beer Products”
Well, you know, apart from their actual beer products
“Sure it tastes like garbage, but it looks like a bow-tie so suddenly I want to drink it!”
~Americans according to Budweiser
You see that up there? That’s the latest attempt by Budweiser to dangle shiny things in front of American beer drinkers in order to trick them into buying their watered down, rice-brewed beer. The marketing strategy is simple—hey, people will buy any beer if the can looks all funny. It’s a bow-tie guys! The beer inside must taste like something other than wet cardboard and dirty barroom floors.
While there are craft beers that veer towards the “pointlessly novel” in order to entice novice drinkers (looking at you, Clown Shoes Brewery), they usually have a quality product they’re trying to introduce to the masses. The largest domestic beer brewers, however, can’t make such claims. They know they’re selling you cheap swill (that admittedly will get you drunk…eventually) but dammit, if the bottle is cool enough, maybe they can trick you to think otherwise. That’s where we get…
The Six Worst Marketing Gimmicks By Major Breweries
“Wow. I mean, I’d drink it, because alcohol, but…wow.”
~American beer drinkers
America is a nation of innovation, nurturing the minds that eventually came to bring us DVDs, the Internet, and probably some other things that we don’t even use to watch pornography. Nowhere is this enterprising spirit more apparent than our constant efforts to improve upon perfection (read as: beer). Each year brewers go out of their way to give us new and interesting ways to get drunk on liquid bliss, ranging from the strange to the “are you sure that’s not whiskey?”
As purveyors of all things American, we constantly find ourselves inundated with a plethora insane sounding beers that we absolutely have to try at this moment. So for tax write-off purposes, we’re going to list the five newest, most exciting, and strangest beers that have hit the market this past year so we can try them without having to buy them. Because this is America goddamn it, and if we can find a way to get the government to pay us to get drunk, we’re going to move heaven and Earth to make that happen.
Or just write 1,500 words on weird beers. Tomato to-mah-to.
The Five Newest, Strangest Beers in America
“Beer, motor fuel, semantics.”
For some time now, Media sources have been discussing how “Macro” beers such as Budweiser, Coors, and piss Miller have been losing ground to the niche market of craft breweries. There has been a lot of speculation as to the reason for this—microbrews tend to use better ingredients to make creative, delicious, flavorful beers that blow their much more watered down counterparts out of the water. They are a new, thriving addition to an alcohol producing landscape that until recently has been remarkably stagnant. Hell, microbrews even offer a wide variety of complex beer styles that can be paired with any meal, as opposed to Bud Light, which is only paired with Solo Cups and roofies.
Yes, all of those can explain the surge of craft beers, but if we had to guess, the main reason behind their success rests with the fact that we’re all American, and craft beers just tend to get you drunk faster. You can doll it up all you want, but most Americans would rather spend a few more bucks on a tasty beer as opposed to a domestic brew that’s got half the alcohol. That’s just simple economics.
So in order to celebrate America’s contributions to getting you drunk while drinking as little liquid as possible, we at AFFotD are here to present you with…
America’s 10 Most Alcoholic Beers
“I know I should like this, but…it’s weird, right? That’s not just me? It’s, like, super weird?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Mainlining America like a freedom junkie isn’t all whiskey enemas, fried foods, and blackout “fuck you” voice mails left on your boss’s cell phone. In fact, it’s pretty hard to get to the core of what’s truly American without becoming some sort of cartoonish caricature since we live in a nation full of gray areas. We might love foxy boxing, and we might love watching Sylvester Stallone breaking people’s necks, but we still were sad in that scene in Million Dollar Baby where Sylvester Stallone broke Hillary Swank’s neck (full disclosure, that might have been stool that had a passing resemblance to Stallone).
So while your initial reaction when reading about the German liquor company that sells whiskey that is poured on a Playboy model’s bare breasts before being bottled might be, “Dammit AFFotD, where were you on this, how’d you let the Krauts beat us to this!?” it’s really a much more complicated issue, with many people firmly believing that it sounds actually kinda gross, and another group arguing, you know, titties.
So we figured this was as good of a time as any to take two of our writers and have them discuss the philosophical implications of this product in yet another AFFotD Point/Counterpoint.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT: BREAST-POURED WHISKEY- AMAZING OR KINDA WEIRD?
“But, I can still drink it all at once, right?”
~Giant booze bottle owners
In America, we have two phrases we’re quite fond of. “Bigger is better” and, “I’m so wasted right now.” So it’s only natural that we should combine those two forces with alcohol containers that are so large they require a team of engineers to figure out an effective way to actually drink out of it. While we’ve all had our lonely nights huddled in the dark corners of our studio apartments suckling on a handle of Jim Beam, only the truly great among us have thought, “What if I could sell three liters of booze at a time? How about a full gallon? What about a million boozes!?”
Those people are mere rank amateurs compared to the following alcohol distributors. Sit back and enjoy as we show you…
The Largest Bottles Of Alcohol In The World
“Don’t care. Still would take a shot of it.”
We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs. It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment. Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it). Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.
This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”). Most flavors make sense. Raspberry? Sounds delicious! Orange? Sure! Whipped cream? Uh…what?
That’s right, America. We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…
America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas
“*sip* ahhhh, that’s the stuff”
If we told you that we liked beer, you’d slap us for being redundant. Also because we’re drunk and we made a pass at your girlfriend. Chill, dude, chill. But while most Americans know all the important details about beer (it’s made with hops, it tastes delicious, if you have enough of them your fists are immune to walls) beer’s long and storied history is such that no one could possibly know all the quirky ins and outs behind the fairest of alcoholic brews.
So in honor of beer, and also did we mention we’re drunk, we’re here to list off…
Six Random Facts About Beer You Did Not Know
“Oh man I’m so wasted! Oh man, my heart hurts!”
~Americans doing it RIGHT
America loves alcohol, but many find that, as they get older, it’s strangely more difficult to stay awake all day while pounding vodka until the pain goes away. That’s why we often try to find inventive ways to keep on partying. In the 80’s, it was Cocaine. In the 90’s, it was heroin, which of course led to a record number of liver failures because surprisingly, junkies don’t understand how heroin or alcohol work. In the 70’s, it was probably that one poster where you could see Farrah Fawcett’s tit. But in the 00’s and 10’s, alcohol and caffeine has been America’s upper of choice. Anyone who has ever been to a bar where the DJ makes drink specials announcement while sounding like he works at a strip club has been exposed to various drinks involving Red Bull, and probably has ordered said drink when they started to feel themselves fading.
Of course, medical experts tend to point out that mixing energy drinks with alcohol is dangerous, and could even be potentially life-threatening. While the government might stop Four Loko from caffeinating up their drinks, they can’t stop Americans from pouring five ounces of a Monster energy drink down the drain to top it off with vodka, so it’s time for us to bring back our Point/Counter-point series as we address…
Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?
“I don’t care if it tastes like an ashtray with an STD! All I care about is one thing. Will? It? Get? Me? Drunk?”
~AFFotD’s Liquor Review Board
No one would claim that vodka is a particularly “American” spirit. But who are we to quibble in semantics? If it gets you drunk, and has a slightly lower chance at sending you to the hospital than chugging hand sanitizer, it’s American enough for us. Vodka is the most neutral of spirits, so while it doesn’t give you that warm, smooth feeling that bourbon does shortly before you start shouting to no one in particular there being too many French people at the local bistro, vodka does allow you get sloshed efficiently and with the aid of a whole variety of mixers.
Of course, since vodka is meant to be as flavorless as possible, many distillers take this as an opportunity to add distinct and unique flavors to their product to help it stand out in a crowded market. We’ve already internally debated the practice of flavoring your vodkas, but unusual vodkas are everywhere, and it’s time we at least embraced this particular spirit’s diversity. Which is why we are here to present our inaugural segment…
The World’s Strangest Vodka Flavors