“Again! Again! SPRAY IT AGAIN!”
~AFFotD Product Testers
Americans, much like the common elephant or humble bumble bee, love to get drunk. But sometimes it’s pretty hard work. In order to mask the debilitating sadness of everything around them, most Americans need to drink at least five shots of grain alcohol just to feel something, and if they want to get legitimately drunk, they normally have to chug a bottle of $3,000 vodka while holding back the tears.
But if there is one thing that America is better at than drinking, it’s inventing things that make drinking easier. We have beer cans that are actually designed so you can stab a hole in them to chug faster, for God’s sake. And during the few hours a day that our AFFotD staffers are sober enough to type while still being able to notice the red squiggly lines of our spelchcker, it’s our job to present to you such marvels of American engineering.
The poorly named The WA|HH Quantum Sensations spray is one such marvel. It is the latest (well, first) entry in the “get you drunk instantaneously” market. This product, which we would have given the name of “GITCHYA DRUNK” sprays .075 milliliters of alcohol, which is formulated in such a way that the sense of inebriation will kick in right away. While it only lasts a few seconds, you will find yourself able to pass a breathalyzer, while avoiding such pesky side effects of long term alcohol consumption like “hangovers” or “that three year old kid that you still have to send a check for every goddamn month.” However, it doesn’t give you the benefit of being drunk all night long. So while our staff was excited by this revolutionary new product, it soon spirited into a lively debate about if it’s worthwhile or not. Which means it’s time for two of our staffers to duke it out with our latest edition of point/counterpoint asking the very important question. Is the WA|HH GITCHYA DRUNK American, or just a cheap imitation?
POINT: It’s A Magical Spray Made Of Booze That Gets You Drunk Instantaneously, Come On People, Of COURSE It’s American!
I can’t believe I have to say this, you guys. If you handed me a pill and said “if you take this pill, you will instantly become drunk, but be warned, if you take that pill, someone, somewhere will be killed at that very moment” I wouldn’t have even had time to register the moral implications of the situation because I’d have already downed the pill as soon as he said “drunk.”
I can’t understand how you could even try to deny how American this invention is. Remember when everyone got really obsessed with Binaca in the 1990’s? It’s just like that, only Binaca just used booze to make your breath smell better, while this one actually gets you drunk. It doesn’t matter how long it’ll last, hell if you want to go through a whole vial of that a day to get drunk a hundred times for a few seconds each, what’s the harm in that? Think about all the times this could come in handy.
For example, let’s pretend that you just met your significant other’s parents for the first time, and they said something like, oh, just to make up some clearly fictitious sentence off the top of my head, “Writing about liquor and fatty foods on the internet doesn’t sound like a particularly lucrative career. What exactly is your business model if you don’t sell ads?” A few sprays of GITCHYA DRUNK might make you feel a pleasant drunk feeling that would have stopped you from, again hypothetically, shouting, “Oh yeah Mrs. Johnson? Well I fucked your daughter in the bathroom right before you got here, so how do you like that business model!?” Goddamn it, Karen, how many times do I have to apologize, it just slipped out, if you answered my calls we could sort this out.
Oh, uh, also most people won’t have a clue what GITCHYA DRUNK is so they’ll just assume you’re freshening your breath when you’re actually getting yourself soused. So that’s pretty cool too.
COUNTERPOINT: This Is Some Bullshit, If I’m Gonna Get Drunk, I’m Gonna Want To STAY Drunk!
Look at that woman up there. She’s about to get drunk for such a short period of time that she can’t even formulate a plan of how to do something she’d regret for the next few weeks. You call this progress? I call this tragedy.
The act of getting and maintaining drunkenness over the course of an evening (or afternoon. Or church service) is a delicate dance. You drink too little, and you get a text message from your editor-in-chief calling you a pussy and telling you not to come into work the next morning. You drink too much, and you probably end up in jail with your editor-in-chief filing a restraining order against you. But that’s why drinking is a challenge. If you’re going to do it just to get a quick burst of drunk without any of the consequences, the hell kind of night are you going to have? I’ll tell you—a boring one.
My coworker who offered to write the “point” segment of this article mentioned that you could just get drunk 100 times and use up the whole container, and have a pretty good night. I would respond that that’s bullshit. If each time you get drunk, it’s just for a few seconds, that means that even if you empty the whole fucking spray, you’re only letting yourself be drunk a total of three, maybe four minutes. In an entire night? That’s not enough drunk time for us to realize that we’re not going to make it to the bathroom before puking into our hands, goddamn it.
Does GITCHYA DRUNK seem like a nifty novelty item? Sure. But so are chopsticks, and that doesn’t make those American. If you’re trying to replace the liquor sector of American society, then I can’t embrace you as an American item. Though I might take a spritz or two before I start my real drinking, just out of curiosity.