“You guys gotta ease up on me here, the doctor says I can’t keep trying all these insane fried foods.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
We’ve made no secret of the fact that we love us some fried foods. And we especially love fried food that strives to be as unhealthy as possible. And it gets us so excited we can’t even sum up our article that includes fried beer. Yes, fried foods are an important part of American culture, keeping health care rates down while lowering instances of heart disease amongst middle aged Americans (or the opposite of those things, whatever). And as Americans continue trying to deep fry foods with reckless abandon, blindly dipping new foods into deep fryers like a kid trying to mix together as many slushy flavors as he can fit inside his 7-eleven cup, so too are we here to present you with…
America’s Fried Foods: Part 4
Deep fried foods are the equalizer in fine cooking. You don’t need to know how to do much more than cook oil really hot and dip food in batter to fry something, and it’s a guaranteed way to make anything taste better. So of course Americans like to go out and find ways to utilize a deep fryer to the best of their abilities. That’s where you end up getting deliciously unhealthy creations such as.
Deep Fried Lobster
You know how a lot of the times you deep fry something to make up for the fact that it’s normally fairly bland, or maybe not that good of quality? Deep fried chicken is delicious, that same chicken broiled? Boring as shit. So that’s why it was a shock to our more Northern staff members to see that certain southern regions like taking lobster (a fancy and delicious meal) and deep frying the shit out of it. While it’s in the shell. We’re sure there has to be some science for the fact that the part that is being coated and fried (the shell) is also the part of the lobster that you don’t eat (seriously, don’t eat the shell). Maye it has to do with not drying out the meat on the inside, so that it just gets its flavor enhanced by the frying process instead of dominated by it.
And while we’d say that it’s a waste of precious lobster meat to fry it, we’ve heard that it’s apparently delicious, and really, when you live in a country that sells Lobster Rolls at McDonalds, you’re pretty much allowed to do whatever you want with Lobster without it being viewed as an unacceptable waste.
Deep Fried Bacon
This is a revelation to fried foods, on par with the moment someone discovered you could put a third piece of bread in between a particularly giant deli sandwich. The moment someone first tried to deep fry bacon was like the first time someone realized you could put jelly inside of donuts if you just got rid of the pesky holes. The reason why deep fried bacon exists is because people occasionally die from heart attacks, and the family they leave behind tends to have a very tenuous grasp on how revenge works. This strikes us as something that would have been invented by someone with a very limited grasp of Jewish dietary law trying to keep kosher on a technicality.
We want to eat nothing but this for the rest of our lives, is what we’re trying to say here.
Deep Fried Cheesecake
Deep fried deserts require a bit of a leap of faith before you can recognize how awesome they sound. Much like the first time one of your dorm mates in college tells you that you should add the soft serve ice cream to the Belgium waffle you just made (because seriously, you guys, so good). But a deep fried cheesecake probably makes more sense than any other deep fried cake. Do you like fried cheese? Of course you do, most Americans die because a mozzarella stick ends up lodged in their aorta. That’s medical science, from real medical professionals. Either way, deep fried cheesecake finally has given us a way to combine our two favorite past times- diabetes and second degree burns on the arms of members of the service industry.
Deep Fried Moon Pie
This combines your well established desire for a coronary with your sense of nostalgia. Though we think the person who had a childhood that led them to grow up and say, “Oh yeah, I remember Moon Pies….let’s boil them alive in hot oil” is the kind of person we would never want to cross. That being said, we’re fairly sure that this combination of fried wafer, chocolate, and marshmallow is one of the only things that can physically harm Wilford Brimley.
NO! GET THAT OUT OF OUR FACES! NO! We’ll stand for NONE of that, good sirs. Good day.
WE SAID GOOD DAY!