~American Poultry Farmers
We all love America. What’s not to like? There are waterfalls, shopping malls, and there’s this one woman who will drag you around town in a red wagon all day for just two hundred bucks. You might say that we have a tendency to get a little “heated” when talking about certain topics that we have deemed to be “Un-American.” We’re just passionate, that’s all. Do we take it too far sometimes when we say things like, “Vegans are baby eating soul suckers who are trying to destroy us all?” No, not at all, every single fucking word of that is 100% true, and we regret nothing.
That’s why we feel a deep sense of shame when something that we love (Thanksgiving) has one of its best things (…booze? Oh right, turkey) hijacked by the physical manifestation of all of our nightmares (vegans) and turned into filth that would be turned away by a sewage processing plant (pictured above). That’s right, we’re talking about the Tofurky, because we care about you, Americans, and if you know someone who had eaten Tofurky before, we hate to tell you, but it’s too late for them. Remember to remove the head or destroy the brain. It might look like your loved one, but they’re not inside there anymore.
What’s worse, that this looks strangely like haggis, or that haggis sounds infinitely more palpable?
Not to start this off begging for money, but you should know that the America software we’ve installed on our computers have it so that our hard drives fry every time the word “Tofu” is typed. Just researching for this article means that we had to go through sixty computers. So, you know. Hit us up with some donations. We don’t have PayPal or anything, but we’re good with you just sending cash in an envelope with your address and a list of dates where you expect to be on vacation. But back to the Tofurkey.
No one really knows what the origin of Tofurkey is. Some say that it came into existence when a recently fired copywriter who relied on bad puns teamed up with Satan’s chef to create a delivery system for a newly discovered spiritual virus that can devour a human soul in the matter of hours, while others claim it is a loaf of vegetarian protein served instead of Turkey to people who choose not to eat meat. While these are the prevalent theories, there are other equally outlandish, equally terrifying explanations out there.
We may or may not have done some light editing to the Wikipedia entry for one of the more popular Tofurkey products…
Most Americans react to the word “Tofurkey” with a similar chill in their spine as when someone hears the full name of their crazy ex who had a thing for knives. And while it’s name elicits disgust (eww…Tofurkey) and terrorist groups try to change Texas city names to it, many people fail to see exactly how dangerous Tofurkey actually is.
While it is true that Tofu raises your estrogen levels and ensures that any children you sire are born with flippers instead of feet, Tofu consumption also decertifies your American citizenship. It’s true. If you eat enough tofu, your passport fades like the family photograph in Back to the Future and it turns into a Latvian passport. You even forget how to speak English. We cannot stress this enough. Eating tofu takes away your ability to call you American. And that’s just regular tofu.
That’s right. Tofurkey is much, much worse. By taking such an American item (turkey) and serving it on such an American day (Thanksgiving) it actually amplifies the negative effects of Tofu. It has such a profound effect on your Americanness that it will create a tear in the space/time continuum and your ancestors will have never emigrated here. This does not apply to Native Americans, but let’s be honest, if you’re Native American, you’re not eating any of that tofu bullshit.
And none of us should. That’s why, this Thanksgiving, if you see someone putting a Tofurkey in an oven…run. Or burn down the kitchen, as is your legal right as an American citizen. Because, remember…
Don’t say we didn’t warn you.