ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs

“Oh, someone wants to have TOP Ramen?  Well Lah Dee Dah, would you like me to park your limousine for you MR. ROCKEFELLER?”

~ALDI Customer

 

One of America’s chief exports is sustainable poverty, and we’re strictly responsible for coming up with numerous ways for people to go about “eating in an American fashion” without having to “pay money for ‘healthy’ food.”  Our fast food restaurants have dollar menus that ensure you can hit your daily calorie intake without spending more than two dollars.  We make individual donuts that have more fat than a twelve ounce steak.  So while we might have to get inventive, and look to import in cheap ass food sources, make no mistake that the lower eight rungs of our society will flock to embrace them.

We’re talking, of course, about the discount supermarket chain, ALDI.  A company with enough laughable generic food imitations that it’s remarkable to consider that it was founded and is headquartered in Germany.

But we’ll forgive them that one small fact for a delicious box of “Fruity Rice” cereal.

Haa, yes.

The origins of ALDI trace back to 1913, with a store owned by the parents of two German brothers who would go on to turn ALDI into a global power, while making themselves the richest men in Germany.  We don’t care about Germans, however, so we’re going to focus on the American aspects of ALDI that truly highlight America’s ability to sacrifice quality for price, and we’ll also salute ALDI for being owners of the American-founded Trader Joe’s, which you might know as “that place with the good cheap wine.”  Yup, it’s owned by ALDI.  That blows our mind too.

“You mean to say…GERMANS are responsible for this wine hangover and these stained teeth?”

The beauty of ALDI is that every single possible shortcut is taken to ensure profitability.  The consumer has to bring their own bags, or pay to “buy” plastic or paper bags from the ALDI.  You have to bring a quarter with you to “unlock” the shopping carts.  Plus, you have to pay the cashiers a dollar every time you make fun of the name of a generic ALDI product made by “Millville.”

Totally worth it.

ALDI is where Walmart shoppers go when they can’t adhere to the dress code.  It’s also where hipsters go to ironically purchase low quality, low cost food products.  They’ll sell you “Pur Aqua” water, which is the finest Mineral Water Kenya has to offer, or Summit Cola, which costs 1/3 of what Coke costs.  And who are you to complain?

They even understand the American beauty of borderline illiteracy, making most of their generic products follow the same color scheme as more recognizable national brands, hoping that you’ll just assume it’s the same product.  Pretty sneaky, sis.

Hmmm…


Well that’s not too…


Oh, but THAT is… yeah that’s pretty bad.


Haha, holy shit.

There are two types of Americans.  The Americans who shop at ALDI and those who wouldn’t dare shop at ALDI.  The latter group usually consists of Americans who have “jobs” and “want their cheese to be made out of milk.”  The former group sees Arizona Ice Tea for sale at an ALDI and finds themselves suspiciously surprised that it’s not called “Phoenix Iced Tea” or “South Dakota Iced Tea.”  ALDI is a company that would sell Tic Tacs spelled with a Q, and whose customers understand and accept that fact.

So fellow American, when you find yourself looking to get the lowest quality produce for the lowest cost, don’t feel ashamed to go to ALDI.  They will not be undersold.*

*This blog post made possible in part due to the generous donations from ALDI Einkauf GmbH & Co. oHGMay God have mercy on our souls.

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9 Comments

Filed under America Fun Fact of the Day

9 responses to “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs

  1. Pingback: BREAKING NEWS: Ramen Noodle Crisis Averted | denisesisko.com

  2. carol smith

    I actually have a good job and save lots of money by shopping at Aldi’s some of the food is actually better than the high priced supermarkets!! The laugh is on you!!

  3. Shar

    Undoubtedly you are a Republican. American poor eat much better with this great alternative to high prices in most grocery stores. I find almost all products as good or better than name or store brands. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to pay high priced supermarket prices and still make ends meet, and even if they could who doesn’t love a bargain? It’s just foolish not to take advantage of good and reasonably prices alternatives.

    • Undoubtedly, you are the person who would rather juggle 8 items from ALDI instead of spending 10 cents on a bag or putting a quarter into the shopping cart. We don’t blame you. We’re just normally too drunk to pull off that juggling act.

  4. jenn

    You are really missing out on some good stuff. I have some pretty sensitive taste buds that think the food is equal to or better than the big chains. I also have a great job but love saving money. You sound like a bitter teenager that is too embarrassed to buy off brand things.

  5. Honest question, Americans: Is there an ALDI social media team that googles for websites headlined with grizzley bears toting shotguns so they can leave eerily similar comments with talking points of “I have a good job, but still shop here” and “I think much of it is on par with ‘big chains'”? We have jobs too, and we still buy Steel Reserve to get us through cold winters nights, we just don’t pretend it’s Sam Adams.

  6. E

    I don’t think anyone is pretending that what they buy at ALDI is name brand. I have a job and I am a full time student. I shop at ALDI’s all the time and I love the bargain it offers. It also offers me the options to eat a meal with fruit and vegetables. I am not pretending that every product at this store is great but most are just as good as the name brand. I actually like the cost saving methods such as bringing a reusable bag (which is environmentally friendly) and putting up my own cart.

  7. Boots

    How are eggs any different from one store to another? I get eggs at Aldi for $1.29 or you can pay $2.99 – $3.99 at the other store. I reuse my bags and sure enough, I get my quarter back when I return the shopping carriage. I just don’t see the point in paying more money for the same basic foods. As others here have mentioned, the food quality is just as good or better at Aldi then the over priced stores. I’ve liked about 90 – 95% % of the food items I have tried at Aldi, So I will continue to shop and save there. Then again I love Trader Joe’s too. I work hard for my money so I try to keep as much of it as possible.

  8. What’s all this bullshit about I have a good job and shop at aldi’s …..why are you all saying this cause your ashamed of going there? Tell the truth and who cares if u have a good job? Aldi’s takes food stamps and cash etc the stamps go into cash by the state so they make a lot off of the poor like me to…..but I’m honest and aldi’s and Ido not care if you have a good job or not because those food stamps from the poor and there is lots of us …….do go into cash and make aldi”s just as rich as you do…….and really c’ mMon who are you kidding if ya really had a lot of money you would not be at aldi’s……they know that as so as the rich know that…….!!!!!😂🙌

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