“Oh, someone wants to have TOP Ramen? Well Lah Dee Dah, would you like me to park your limousine for you MR. ROCKEFELLER?”
One of America’s chief exports is sustainable poverty, and we’re strictly responsible for coming up with numerous ways for people to go about “eating in an American fashion” without having to “pay money for ‘healthy’ food.” Our fast food restaurants have dollar menus that ensure you can hit your daily calorie intake without spending more than two dollars. We make individual donuts that have more fat than a twelve ounce steak. So while we might have to get inventive, and look to import in cheap ass food sources, make no mistake that the lower eight rungs of our society will flock to embrace them.
We’re talking, of course, about the discount supermarket chain, ALDI. A company with enough laughable generic food imitations that it’s remarkable to consider that it was founded and is headquartered in Germany.
But we’ll forgive them that one small fact for a delicious box of “Fruity Rice” cereal.
The origins of ALDI trace back to 1913, with a store owned by the parents of two German brothers who would go on to turn ALDI into a global power, while making themselves the richest men in Germany. We don’t care about Germans, however, so we’re going to focus on the American aspects of ALDI that truly highlight America’s ability to sacrifice quality for price, and we’ll also salute ALDI for being owners of the American-founded Trader Joe’s, which you might know as “that place with the good cheap wine.” Yup, it’s owned by ALDI. That blows our mind too.
“You mean to say…GERMANS are responsible for this wine hangover and these stained teeth?”
The beauty of ALDI is that every single possible shortcut is taken to ensure profitability. The consumer has to bring their own bags, or pay to “buy” plastic or paper bags from the ALDI. You have to bring a quarter with you to “unlock” the shopping carts. Plus, you have to pay the cashiers a dollar every time you make fun of the name of a generic ALDI product made by “Millville.”
Totally worth it.
ALDI is where Walmart shoppers go when they can’t adhere to the dress code. It’s also where hipsters go to ironically purchase low quality, low cost food products. They’ll sell you “Pur Aqua” water, which is the finest Mineral Water Kenya has to offer, or Summit Cola, which costs 1/3 of what Coke costs. And who are you to complain?
They even understand the American beauty of borderline illiteracy, making most of their generic products follow the same color scheme as more recognizable national brands, hoping that you’ll just assume it’s the same product. Pretty sneaky, sis.
Well that’s not too…
Oh, but THAT is… yeah that’s pretty bad.
Haha, holy shit.
There are two types of Americans. The Americans who shop at ALDI and those who wouldn’t dare shop at ALDI. The latter group usually consists of Americans who have “jobs” and “want their cheese to be made out of milk.” The former group sees Arizona Ice Tea for sale at an ALDI and finds themselves suspiciously surprised that it’s not called “Phoenix Iced Tea” or “South Dakota Iced Tea.” ALDI is a company that would sell Tic Tacs spelled with a Q, and whose customers understand and accept that fact.
So fellow American, when you find yourself looking to get the lowest quality produce for the lowest cost, don’t feel ashamed to go to ALDI. They will not be undersold.*
*This blog post made possible in part due to the generous donations from ALDI Einkauf GmbH & Co. oHG. May God have mercy on our souls.