“The habwasher makes the cranny go boom with the wimflazzle double decker!”
~…Ugh. Fucking Brits.
We here at AFFotD have firmly established that we are experts in the field of looting. We assumed that this knowledge would be necessary for the impending apocalypse, and because we’re all hedonistic Satanists who worship the false God of Whiskey (with his disciples, Jim, Jack, and M. Mark) we’re more likely to be left behind than an un-baptized Jewish infant.
Well, leave it to England to prove that humanity is just a barely contained bubbling pot of rage that is one police shooting of a drug dealer away from going fucking nuts. That’s our bad. Most good Americans cast aside their “faith in the basic decency of humanity” around the same time they got really into Calvin and Hobbes and decided to Wikipedia the guy the tiger was named after (philosophy joke high five!)
“State of nature, motherfuckers.”
Leave it to the Brits to fuck up the whole thing. Their idea of looting is burning buses and pummeling the occasional civilian into a comatose pulp. And yes, they have an idea of what “Looting” is in the same sense that breast-fed infants have an idea what “motor boating” is.
See that? That’s a bunch of British people who decided to set fire to a SONY warehouse that holds a bunch of CDs and records. The shit is that? Looters of London, the world is your oyster, and you have a sledgehammer, so why are you focusing all your efforts on smashing a piece of bread? Goddamn it, America’s gotta step in again and show you how to do it. Looks like it’s time for…
AFFotD’s Official Looters Guide to Rioting
So, a drug dealer got shot. Fine, “alleged drug dealer.” Whatever. Is that why you’re really going nuts? Come on, you can tell us. You just wanted to smash shit, right? There’s no shame in that, just admit it.
Okay. Good. You want to smash shit. Destruction is the name of the game when you’re rioting, but you have to riot with a Looters mentality. Now, if you’re a good Looter, you are drunk, properly attired, and have ample space to store the weapons and booze you can take with you. You are also so immune to empathy that you can smash in the face of an innocent person standing in your way and not feel a twinge of anything. Not guilt, but not even joy. Everything is empty always.
So that is why you want to make sure to adhere to these easy to follow guidelines for rioting. After you read this, you’ll be ready to fill that void in your heart you’ve had ever since your father left in no time!
1. Avoid The Fuzz
“Blimey,” you goddamn chavs might be saying in your bastardization of a perfectly good language, “What about the bobbies! I want to have at them!” First of all, goddamn it, thanks for reminding us everything we hate about the film My Fair Lady. But, secondly, wanting to take your rioting to where the cops are is an easy trap to fall into. Hell, when you got that blackberry message about the riot down by the electronics store, you could practically see yourself going to one of those goddamn coppers and punching him over and over while you yell, “Who’s the man now, dad?” With all the sirens and screams, no one can hear you weep! But you’re probably envisioning this kind of a cop.
“Oy! Punch me in the nose!”
Unfortunately for you, most of the cops in a riot are going to look like this.
Police love fucking people up, and if you’re a rioter you might as well be holding up a sign that says “beat the shit out of me, pigs.” And yes, the alcohol in your system will dull the pain, but it can only do so much. Speaking of which…
2. Beware Riot Beer Goggles
You’re rioting, so you’re drunk. That’s a given. There are no teetotalers who like to riot, just like there are no Mormons who brew beer. But in order to feel the right amount of exaggerated rage, you need to get yourself liquored up. The only problem with being liquored up is a little thing we call “Riot Beer Goggles,” which is often known by its unofficial name, “That drop doesn’t look too far.”
So, while you see a cop decked out in full riot gear, your drunk self might be thinking, “Hey, it’s a promotional stunt for G.I. Joe 2, I should tell him how much the first one sucked.” And subsequently, you might think, “Screw my heart arrhythmia, let’s see what this fucker’s Taser can do.” And then, “My body feels like it’s on fire, I should take off my clothes and roll on the grass.”
This also becomes a problem in riots like the London one, where Molotov Cocktails are thrown into the mix. One man’s Molotov Cocktail is another man’s Flaming Dr. Pepper is that same man’s story about how they used to have a face. We’re not saying you shouldn’t be drunk when you’re rioting (in fact, we’d be personally offended if you were rioting sober) but it just means that you’re going to want to try to avoid certain pitfalls that are available for you, the drunk rioter. For example-
- Just because you really feel like Mexican food doesn’t mean you should try to smash up a Mexican restaurant. Mexican restaurant chefs are notoriously strong.
- Avoid riot police and fire stations.
- Don’t go swimming. It might seem like a relaxing way to spend the evening, but you’ve got shit to smash.
- No matter how much you think otherwise, no one wants to listen to you singing the “SO GOOD! SO GOOD!” bit in Sweet Caroline. It’ll just piss off your fellow drunk rioters.
3. Convenience Stores Are Your Friend
When you start smashing shit to hell, it’s easy to just let the rage takeover and just decimate any building you come across until you’re bashing your knuckles bloody on the building’s empty foundation screaming, “Why did you leave dad why did you leave!” But every rioter needs energy, booze, and a place to rest. That’s why you want to make sure to save the convenience stores. This is where your looting instincts need to take over. In many cities in America, where we know how a thing or two about rioting, our convenience stores are a handy way to stock up on unhealthy snacks, sugary drinks, and 40 ounces of liquor. Why would you destroy such a pristine place?
Smash the windows by all mean. Ramshack the place and make the owner flee out of fear for his life. But stop the destruction there. Maybe put a sign that says, “MY STORE, BEWARE, LAND MINES” to keep everyone else out. It’s called having a base camp. If it’s good enough for people who climb Everest, it should be good enough for a drunk bastard who hasn’t seen his father in ten years like yourself.
4. Use Baseball Bats Instead Of Cricket…Thingies.
This one only applies to Brits, but unlike the rest of our bullet points (ha), they’ve actually been heeding this advice. We’re going to call the cricket thingies “Cricket Bats” because this is America goddamn it, and we’re too drunk to google what they’re really called. And that’s actually going to be what we call the first AFFotD book. “Too Drunk to Google.” You’ve heard it here first, folks.
We meet again, bestseller list.
Baseball bats were invented for riots. It just happened that they were good at hitting baseball bats too. And cricket thingies are just pointless and flat, and they don’t give you nearly the same satisfaction when you use it to smash the windshield of a cop car. But this is apparently common sense, as it’s the only things British people are using.
So at least the damn Brits are getting that part right. All things considered, however, they still have a long way to go before they can truly learn to riot like American Looters. Maybe they’ll never adapt. Who knows. Either way, next time the police break up an alcohol delivery, us Americans will get to show them how to really do a drunken riot.