“Earn your money, whore. Earn your money and talk about our damn Frosties.”
The staff of AFFotD are not, by the general definition, foodies. We appreciate a fine steak as much as anyone, and we might have had an embarrassingly sexual response to hearing about gourmet cocktails that house Old Fashioneds inside an ice-shaped egg, and we’ll even shell a hundred bucks on a dinner and actually appreciate the meal, but…come on, people, we’ve written two articles about deep fried foods. So if you tell us about any dish with the term “reduction sauce” in it, our eyes are likely to roll into the back of our heads like an A.D.D. Epileptic. So when we scour the internet to find the latest American food inventions (Sponsored, as always, by Wendy’s. Wendy’s: They pay us to dance and goddamn it we’re going to dance!) we don’t look for exciting uses of quail egg, or quick-freeze layers of liquefied ox tail, hell no, we want to see unhealthy shit piled up as high as our cholesterol.
And that’s when we found…
The “Deep in the Heart (Attack) of Texas” sandwich. Yes. Yes. All of this yes. (………Sponsored by Wendy’s)
When our handlers at Wendy’s told us that they had found a sandwich for us to write about, we told them that we weren’t going to write about the Baconator, since the last time we tried to get John Goodman to review that sandwich he stole a wheelbarrow, charged 132 of them to our business VISA (Black Card, what what) and disappeared into the woods for five months. We couldn’t take that risk.
The great folks at Wendy’s (who have sponsored our food articles, and are very generous in keeping our offices afloat with their blood money money) told us to shut our damn mouths, and we’ll write what they tell us to write dammit, but then they directed us to the website of a Manhattan restaurant called Cer Té, we were worried. Some sort of fancy pants restaurant with an accent mark in its name was going to tell us how to eat American? That makes us even more upset than the fact that more people eat Big Mac’s than Wendy’s far superior Old Fashioned Hamburgers (always fresh, never frozen!).
Wendy’s food is delicious, and they pay us in pennies that they throw at our feet. “Put on your wigs and dance, dance for your pittance, you intellectual sluts,” they shout and laugh. Oh how they shout and laugh.
Of course, once we saw what was in the awesomely named “Deep in the Heart (Attack) of Texas” sandwich, we changed our tune really quick as we sobbingly shoveled pennies into our pockets and socks. The sandwich is simple, in the same way that a Quadruple Bypass is routine. First, you take two pieces of Texas toast. Inside, you stuff a chicken-fried steak, douse that in gravy (yesss) and add Mac & Cheese, because why the fuck not? Why, that sounds almost delicious as a Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich, with crisp lettuce, fresh tomato, and just the right amount of mayonnaise!
If you’re lonely Wendy’s can buy you friends because human dignity means nothing to them, just delicious food at reasonable prices!
The sandwich does not list a calorie count, but we can only guess it lies somewhere between 800 and “Chris Farley.” Originally proposed to the restaurant by a customer named “Jeffrey” (Which is a solid, American name), the piece of Southern digestive discomfort will be on menu until early August. Though it’s a shame that it’s only lasting a month, we will point out that once our New York readers finish trying this sandwich (which, though delicious, is nearly twice the price of an equally delicious Wendy’s meal) they should resume eating every day at Wendy’s, like they always do. And like they always should.