“You want us to do a fun fact? We’re too busy getting the ambulances on stand-by for when we celebrate July 4th, dammit.”
As the cases of beers in your fridge and the excessive amounts of meat in your freezers are now doubt telling you, tomorrow is the goddamned 4th of July. You’re going to be drunk on beer, fireworks, and more beer. We will too. The difference is that we love to pregame. So we’re just going to bide our tie with…
Today’s American Day in American History (America Edition)
1775- Likely while saying, “Step aside bitches, let me show you how it’s done,” George Washington takes command of the Continental Army. It works out pretty well in the long run.
1819- The Bank of Savings, the first bank in America, opens. When the first loan is taken out, someone in strange futuristic garments said, “FORESHADOWING,” to which everyone responded, “What?” and he replied, “You’ll see in 2008,” before he threw a smoke bomb and disappeared.
1863- The last day of the Battle of Gettysburg is fought. We won’t tell you who won, but we can say it started with “The Union.”
1890- Idaho is admitted as the 43rd state in the Union. Idaho, it’s, uh, it’s a state, sorta in the middle, a little south…it’s got potatoes? Known for their potatoes? Really? Nothing? Well it’s a state, you just have to trust us on that.
1952- The SS United States sets sail on it’s maiden voyage. It does not sink, instead setting a speed record, because the Titanic made the fatal mistake of not naming itself after America.
2011- The AFFotD offices get ready for Independence Day. WOOOOOO!