“Even when you start accepting Canadians, you won’t let ME in?”
~Joshua “Hey, remember Dawson’s Creek, eh?” Jackson
As we’ve seen previously, we at the AFFotD offices have a series of checks and tests to ensure that those working for us are properly American. And when our first American test was unable to detect the distinctive traces of maple syrup in Seth Rogan’s Canadian blood, we had to make an secondary “Are You American” quiz to root out the pretenders and, well, Canucks. And the combination of the two tests worked extremely well, as we were able to spot and turn away Hayden “Well, he was Darth Vader, but he also was the shitty one” Christensen, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan “We get him confused with Ryan Gosling more often than we’d like to admit” Reynolds. But then, we received a phone call that completely changed the hiring policies of the America Fun Fact of the Day in ways that still has the offices deeply divided.
Jason “Made sweet, grunty, outdoor love to Amy Smart in Crank” Statham called and asked if he could be an AFFotD foreign correspondent. We’re pretty sure that concept is an oxymoron, but then again we don’t know what oxymoron means (…someone too dumb to breath?), but it did lead to a series of lengthy meetings. And by meetings, we mean a 48 hour booze party. When we woke up, we had a series of voice mails from Angelina Jolie asking for us to stop calling or she’d file a restraining order, and Statham was in our offices to thank us for accepting his application. We don’t remember calling him, but apparently we did. An excerpt of the voice mail message he played for us is listed below.
“Heyyyyyy Transporter 2 guy! Hey, it’s the America Fun Fact…urp… of the Day offices here. Tittays! Wooo! Hahaha, dude dude stop it, I’m calling the bald dude from those Guy Ritchie movies. Hey, shhhhhh guys, I’m on the PHONE here, Christ. So, listen, like, you’re not American but you do kick ass, like, you know, Americans do, it’s how we doooooooooo. So you can’t be on the staff man, but you can be like, our British dude. Like, the resident British dude, or yeah, what you said, the four lane Coors despondent. Yeah. Yeah… I’m gonna, just, like, rest my eyes for a bit…”
Forty minutes of silence followed, but the evidence was clear. We had hired a foreign correspondent doohickey. And really, if anyone could have swayed us, it would have been Statham. We added Hugh Laurie to that category shortly thereafter because, dudes, Dr. House, seriously.
But in order to add the appropriate foreign correspondents, and make sure that, despite their “born in another damn country” handicaps, they still have enough American traits to at least keep us informed of the latest crazes in Deer Kickboxing, we needed to create a new, separate test. One that could determine the Americanness of an individual who was not technically American. It hurt our brains to think about it, but that might just be the hangover.
And here is the fruit of our labors, the “Are You American Enough To Be Called An Honorary American” Quiz. You can keep score at home. A- is worth 0 points, B- is worth 1 point, C- is worth 4 points, and D- is worth 5. Here we go again.
1. Where were you born? (for American-born citizens taking this question for fun, the American city equivalent will be listed in parentheses)
A. France/China ( Hawaii)
B. Russia, Eastern Europe, the middle east, southeast Asia, or any country that has had conflict with America in the past 50 years (San Francisco, CA)
C. South America, Australia, Africa, or Most of Western Europe (Some rural bumfuck town)
D. Canada, England, Ireland, and any country that drinks and speaks English (A major metropolitan city that isn’t a breeding ground for dirty hippies)
2. What are your hobbies or interests?
A. I like burning American flags, or effigies, pretty much anything that can turn fire from “awesome” to “scary, and not even the good kind of scary.” I also say I’m a philosopher, but really that just means “unemployed, and not looking for a job.” I also do animal activism, because I think animals are more important than people. I write a blog about times where I’ve seen a bug in my apartment, and I carefully put it in a teacup and let it outside. It’s not very popular. I stumbled upon this quiz while searching for things I hate about America, so we’ll see where this goes.
B. Well, my day consists of waking up, watching some football (not American football, mind you, I suppose you’d call it “soccer”) highlights, and eating a nice piece of toasted white bread. Then I meander over to my office, and work diligently and professionally (unlike most Americans). I enjoy parking spaces, baguettes, and taking naps while reading a nice book. When I get back from work, I pour myself a nice glass of red wine, finish off a Dostoyevsky novel, and make myself a nice dinner of chicken breast with a starch of my choice. There are honestly too many to choose from, rice, potato, pasta, it’s all delicious. No salt, please, that’s too spicy for me, ha ha! Then I go downstairs, and continue running my very flourishing torture business that is a direct rip off of the Hostel film series. A warm glass of milk does wonders for helping you have a very calm, content night of sleep.
C. I love watching football, Cricket, Equestrian Polo, all the real sports. American sports are too exciting, I like sports where nothing happens, and it takes days to finish. I like warm beer and flat soda and partaking in local forms of entertainment that have names you’d find difficult to pronounce.
D. I don’t have hobbies or interests, I just have ways of life. Do I start fights in bars? Yes. Have I both glassed someone and been the victim of glassing? It’s called Wednesday, assholes. Am I drunk right now? Most definitely yes. How can you tell that I’m drunk? Well, it’s after ten in the morning, and I’m asking myself a series of one-sided questions, that’s how.
3. Say it’s Thursday, are you drinking tonight?
A. I don’t drink, I’m usually too busy writing manifestos about the benefits of communism. Did you know that Karl Marx never once drank a drop of alcohol, probably? And he was the smartest man to ever exist. Even smarter than Lenin, and Lenin was a revolutionary. Being sober leaves me with a strong sense of moral fortitude, and I use that to post on a site called “Natural News” under the name “The Health Ranger.” I’m not a Chinese double agent. I swear.
B. Well, oh dear, alcohol? I don’t say I indulge, I just occasionally will have a nice glass of red, preferably a 2003 if you have it, that was a great year for Napa wines, I must say. Just the right amount of acidity in the soil. You know, the other day, as I was driving my beige Honda Civic on the way to an organic food store to purchase some rice cakes for an after dinner snack, I saw an individual pulled over, vomiting on the side of the highway. Could you imagine my shock when I realized this young man had been driving while inebriated? Entirely shocking, I must say. I was unable to fathom that, I have never been “drunk” in my entire life, a fact I’m pretty proud of. No late nights binge drinking for me. In bed by 9, up by 5, that’s my motto, a solid 8 hours of sleep and a full, healthy breakfast. Anyway, sorry, where was I? Oh yes, this drunk boy on the side of the road. Well, I pulled over and stopped, and he had empty liquor bottles strewn all over the car. So I clubbed him over the head with a tire iron and locked him in my trunk, and set the car on fire. Or, wait, was it 2005 Napa wines that I liked the most?
C. I’ll toss back a few drinks, every now and then, on a Thursday. If it’s been a rough week, I will absolutely take advantage of that. I’ll drink Stella Artois, because it’s cheaper over here than in America, and it has a higher alcohol percentage.
D. Do you mean to ask, “are you drunk right now?” Because, why would I not drink on a Thursday? Where are my pants?
4. Are you Mike Adams, the Chinese Double Agent who writes shit about healthy food and why America sucks?
A. ……………………………………………………………………………….CHEESE IT!
B. Well hold on there, that sounds far too intense for me. I’m a simple man. I like to go to the spa, I like drinking sparkling water, but not Perrier, there’s too many bubbles, it tickles my mouth! I like resting and playing tennis and helping old women cross the street. Of course, people rarely report when an elderly person who is not in a home goes missing. My basement looks like an Aztec burial ground. My favorite TV show that’s from America is either Two and a Half Men, or documentaries about geology.
C. I have no idea who you are talking about.
D. I have no idea who you are talking about, but I’d have no problems punching him in the fucking jaw if he thinks he can tell me what I should or should not be eating!
5. If we called you a “True American,” how would you respond?
B. Well, you can call me anything you want, just so long as I remain bland and unmemorable. As you can see, I have a particular androgyny to my appearance that allows me to blend in around most ethnicities and customs. I drive what everyone drives, I eat what everyone eats, and I stay below the radar, due to the complete banality of my interests and hobbies. No one wants to hear about the days in and days out of my life, I just keep to myself, have a typical lifestyle, and occasionally film myself choking migrant workers for pornographic purposes. Socks, too. I very much enjoy a nice warm pair of socks.
C. I’d probably correct you, I’m clearly not a true American. I’m not an American at all. Nothing against you guys, but…yeah, don’t call me that shit.
D. Hell yeah, I’d want you to call me a True American. Clearly I’ve figured out that if I want to be considered American by you guys, I just have to talk about drinking, and swear a fuckton. Or, just answer D, every damn time. I’m just saying, I really need the money.
Alright, time to tally up your scores.
0: Yeah, you better run, Mike Adams! You better fucking run!
1-8: We don’t know why you’re taking a test to determine if you’re qualified to be an AFFotD American Foreign Correspondent, but…dude, you’re a serial killer, right? We’re not misreading that, right?
8-18: Ugh. Get out of our face. You don’t care about America, you probably don’t even like America. We’re wasting valuable American seconds writing this to you.
19-24: Okay, you’re not anti-America. You may even be vaguely pro-America, and share a lot of traits with many certified Americans. We like you guys, we really do, we just can’t have you working with us. We’re sorry.
25: Hi Mr. Statham, glad you liked our test.