“I don’t care if we’ve never done a News Item of the Month, this guy pissed in a goddamn pint glass, we’re writing about it.”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
Much like how the Eskimos treat their elders, we don’t care much for newspapers. Honestly, if we wanted to see dinosaurs, we’d go to a museum. If we wanted to see a dead body, we’d go to the nearby creek with a stick. But it’s not free admissions day at the museum, and it’s not a Friday by the creek, so why on Earth would we want to read a newspaper?
We’re telling you our stance on newspapers because while we were using some newspapers as kindling today, and we ran across a story that caught our attention for several reasons. One is that it involved public urination, as well as alcohol. But mainly, it brought to mind an AFFotD we posted just last week.
So we had to tell you, readers of the internet, about it. Since, as we said before, newspapers are dying faster than the black characters in early 90′s horror films.
But apparently, Greg Hall, former brewmaster of the recently-purchased-by-Budweiser Goose Island got in hot water for filling up some pint glasses with his own urine at a bar the other day.
AFFotD was there. And here is the recap.
Greg Hall, the brewmaster of Goose Island until his unfortunate decision to sell off his company to Budweiser, was celebrating a birthday party at the Chicago bar, Bangers & Lace. As is the general American tradition of birthdays, when one celebrates it, they’re usually drinking in excess, either to celebrate a positive year, or drink away a year full of regret.
For Mr. Hall, we at AFFotD can only assume it was the latter.
“I wish I wish I hadn’t killed that fish…”
After consuming what can only be guessed is a shitload of Goose Island Belgium beers, Greg Hall stood up at the bar to announce, “I fucked up big time!”
To this, we would all say, “…Well obviously.” What happened next however, is either hilarious, disgusting, or surprisingly meta, depending how you look at it.
Hall, who later admitted to being “over-served” straight up pissed in two glasses. Urine that is. Yellow gold. Texas pee.
That’s honestly all that there is to the story. A guy got drunk and pissed into glasses in a bar. The bartender got understandably pissed off about it. The guy apologized, the bartender did not accept the apology. But that’s ignoring the real poetry behind this.
So many “Budweiser is piss” jokes can be made about this situation.
As far as the aftermath goes, Hall claims he doesn’t remember a lot of the details of the evening, which we hope would be the case because if someone was willing to fill up two bar glasses with piss while still being sober enough to remember what was going on, we’d have to close up shop here at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices. There’d be nothing left to teach.
As it is, we learned some important things from this. We learned that even the guys behind Goose Island realize that it was a bad idea to let Budweiser buy them. We learned what 312 is going to taste like a year down the road. We learned that Greg Hall is the kind of guy who will piss in a glass, hand it to a bartender, and say, “Don’t drink that” before leaving a bar.
We learned that the bartender kind of is being a dick about it. Yeah, Eggleston, we get it, having to clean up piss in a bar is gross, at the same time your name is in the news, you have an awesome story, and Hall sent over a whole case of hilariously-named “Big John” beer for you guys, free of charge. Deal with it, it’s not going to be the last time you have to clean up piss in your job.
But mostly, we learned that Greg Hall is going to be invited to every AFFotD party from here on out, because if we get him drunk enough, he’ll piss in our glasses and give us free beer. Which is incredibly American.
This man is more than willing to show you how his renal system works. For America.