AFFotD Archives: The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time, A Drinking Game

Note from Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD.com

With the holiday season upon us, we decided today would be as good of a time as any to dig up one of our old favorite Christmas articles to share with you.  This article, originally from 2012, still rings true today, and if you don’t watch at least three of these movies while getting plastered this Christmas, you clearly don’t love your family enough.

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“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

snowman

Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.  Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.  After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

 christmas tree

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The 1778 American Invasion of Whitehaven, England

“Yeah I’ll invade England, whatever, I do what I want, you ain’t the boss of me.”

~John Paul Jones

whitehaven

Considering that we wouldn’t have ended up becoming a country if the end result had gone a different way, it’s surprising how little about the Revolutionary War the average American is aware of.  We know about the Declaration of Independence, and Concord and Lexington at the start of things.  We know Bunker Hill.  We know that Benedict Arnold was an asshole, and that Nathanael Greene was a badass, and that Yorktown pretty much sealed the whole deal for us.  But apart from the founding fathers, and some iconic imagery of George Washington, when we think of the American Revolution we think of the early battles up until, say, Saratoga…and then, us eventually winning.

There were four years of war between Saratoga and Yorktown, and in general our history books kind of gloss over that period.  Pretty much the only people talking about that time period were, say, the screenwriters for The Patriot, and even with that you’d not immediately recall that the climax of that movie was 1781’s Battle of Cowpens.  We bring this up not to shame our history teachers—we get it, there’s a lot of important stuff to get through, and you might as well focus on the greatest hits—but rather to remind America that there was a lot of badassery going down in the American Revolution that gets swept under the rug.  We’re here to lift up that rug and show you those awesome, awesome dustballs.

Let’s talk about the time America invaded England.

The 1778 American Invasion of Whitehaven, England

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The Most Expensive Hot Dogs in the World

“I like my hot dogs like I like my women—concrete physical proof that I lead a shallow, superficial existence.”

~Rich people who spend more than $100 on hot dogs

fancy hot dog

America, let’s take a moment to talk about hot dogs.  They’re great, right?  Pretty much anywhere you go, you’re going to find a great hot dog with its own unique flavor profile and style that hopefully doesn’t involve ketchup because if your hot dog involves ketchup then everyone involved in its preparation and consumption has the taste buds of a six-year-old, but we digress.

Hot dogs are wonderful.  They’re delicious, gloriously unhealthy, satisfying, and most of all…expensive?

*Record scratch!*

No!  Of course they’re not!  If you’re spending more than five dollars for a hot dog, you’re a chump, and if you’re raising your eyebrows and saying, “Five?  Try two bucks, Rockefeller” in response to that five dollar figure, well, we wouldn’t argue with you on that point, we’d just point out that certain hot dogs of the jumbo and foot long variety at some of the best hot dog stands around can just about get away with charging that much.  But to your larger point, yes, we agree with you.  Hot dogs are supposed to be cheap, and delicious.  Cheap.  And delicious.

Unfortunately, well, you know.  Rich people exist.

leopard

Pictured above, a rich person with their pet oil tycoon.

We’re not talking about the standard kind of rich person, who has multiple mansions and cars and personal servants and, like, a McDonald’s in their house like that one scene we all remember from the Richie Rich movie.  No, we’re talking about the kind of rich people who either come from money so old they don’t understand how much things are supposed to actually cost in the real world, or people who are so amazed that they’re rich that they need to do everything in their power to let everyone know, “Hey, look at me, look at how much money I have!” like a seven-year-old boy who just learned how to back-flip into the pool.  “Why aren’t you guys looking I just bought a piece of JFK’s skull!”

We’ve talked about this specific type, and how they’re just, the worst, many times before.  We’ve seen $3.7 million bottles of vodka, whiskeys that cost as much as a house, hell, we’ve even run across all sorts of kinds of food covered in edible gold because fuck it, why not just devour ounce after ounce of pure gold at this point?  At this point we’ve basically accepted that we shouldn’t be surprised when notoriously cheap foods are made expensive for no particular reason.  Just as you’re sure to find someone willing to fork over $12,000 to get a pizza made in your house, you’re going to find thousand dollar hot dogs.

Now, admittedly, there are a lot of hot dogs that cost way more than they should, and a surprising amount of them sold at baseball stadiums.  But we’re not here to shame the people who spend $29 on a hot dog, or $50 on a hot dog.  No, we’re not going getting out of bed to write about any hot dog unless it costs more than $100, because we really want to drive home the absurdity of how much these people are paying for the right to brag about how much they are able to spend on a single goddamn hot dog.

The Most Expensive Hot Dogs in the World

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The Teddy Roosevelt Assassination Attempt of 1912

“Oh, he’s still standing.  Welp, I’m dead.”

~John Flammang Schrank

roosevelt newspaper

We don’t try to hide our infatuation towards Teddy Roosevelt here at America Fun Fact of the Day, and that has very little to do with the fact that great-great-grandsire Johnny Roosevelt is our editor-in-chief here.    We’ve extolled his American greatness here before, and the greatness of his children time and time again.  The man was badass, to put it bluntly, and we could write in depth AFFotD articles about hundreds of the things he did in his life.  But when we think of Teddy Roosevelt, there’s one story in particular which really shows that, as far as unbridled American badasses go, Roosevelt was the cream of the crop, a giant among giants, and the kind of person you most definitely would never want to fuck with.

This is the story about the time someone tried to fuck with Teddy Roosevelt.

The Teddy Roosevelt Assassination Attempt of 1912

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The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President

“Heh heh.  Cox.  I mean, Mr. Governer.”

~Presidential Debate Proctor, 1920

presidential seal

As we’ve established time and time again, we’re not the best at math, but as far as we can tell, America has been a country for over 150 years, and has had more than 40 presidents.  43 presidents maybe?  45?  Either way, it’s less than 50.  And that means that anytime you have the chance to become the President of the Most Powerful Country In The World (pre-2008 division), your name will be in the history books, even if it’s just as a footnote.

The problem with being a part of history is that the first and, in some cases only, thing that we see in a history book is the name of the person.  Yes, we know that George Washington had fake teeth and liked to stand up on boats, but the first thing we register about him is his name.  George Washington.  A strong, authoritative name that screams “Presidential.”  Now not all of our Presidents were blessed with such a fitting name (looking at you, Herbert Hoover) but they at least managed to have names that didn’t actively get in the way of their political gains.

Which is why we’re here to focus on those whose name did get in the way.  The Presidential candidates that got their names on the ballots, failing to realize that maybe they should have changed their name before making the entire population read their name in the polling booth and suppress a giggle.  That’s why we present for you…

The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President

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An AFFotD Thanksgiving: Wherein AFFotD Decries the Fiendish Practices of the Mother Nature Network, Who Have Actively Tried to Ruin Thanksgiving by Making it Healthier, While We Offer Methods to Make Thanksgiving Even More Un-Healthy to Spite These Malcontents

“Get.  That.  Healthy.  Shit.  Out. Of.  My.  Goddamn.  House.”

~Americans That Appreciate Thanksgiving

photo(78)

America, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means that all of us will be spending some quality time with our families, eating gobs of unhealthy food and washing it down with copious amounts of wine and waiting for that one family member to get a little too tipsy and start talking about “the things wrong with society” with a slightly racist tinge.  Or, if you don’t have a family member who does that, you’re probably that family member, so wait until your fifth glass of wine to talk about how Kim Kardashian was naked in Paper magazine, and how that makes you feel.

Of course, Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year.  It’s a day that basically is dedicated to making a bunch of delicious food, drinking with family, and watching football without having to leave the house.  It lacks the gift-giving pressure of Christmas, and the inevitable failure to meet expectations of New Year’s Eve.  Sure, a lot of food has to be made, but that tends to be more of a communal experience than anything else, while your dad gets half-jokingly ribbed for spending all of his time drinking beer on the damn couch watching the Dallas game.

The point being, we love Thanksgiving, and we love that people say it’s the one day a year where they really can “let themselves go” when they mean to say it’s like the 150th day this year that they’ve said “fuck it” and decided to really “let themselves go.”  That’s a beautiful thing.

And then you get websites that say stupid, bullheaded things like “9 Thankgiving Dishes Made Healthier.”  No.  We do not want our Thanksgiving to be healthier, Mother Nature Network.  We do not want that one bit.  Stop it.  We said stop.

Wherein AFFotD Decries the Fiendish Practices of the Mother Nature Network, Who Have Actively Tried to Ruin Thanksgiving by Making it Healthier, While We Offer Methods to Make Thanksgiving Even More Un-Healthy to Spite These Malcontents

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The Worst Life Hacks (Invented By Crazy People)

“Crush up aspirin with vodka to make an exfoliating facial scrub!”

~Crazy person/”Life Hacker”

light bulb candle

The internet has changed culture the world as we know it at a blinding pace.  Back in the day (everyone over the age of 26 will say while swaying hypnotically on a rocking chair) before internet was everywhere, things were different.  We’d use a phone book to call businesses, bar arguments about which Bond movie had Christopher Walken as the villain ended in frustrating stalemates (both parties were wrong, the answer is A View to Kill, not Moonraker or Octopussy), and pornography had to be purchased in magazine form with a cashier taking your money as you shyly avoid eye contact.  It was a simpler time.

Ever since the Internet has become the all-encompassing entity that will someday eventually spell our species’s doom, it has brought a lot of information into our everyday lives that we would never have known otherwise.  Sure, 90% of this information has to do with sexual fetishes that we wish we didn’t know existed, but it also means that the combined human experience can be distilled into life hacks; little common sense cheats that make life easier and make you say, “Oh, of course, why didn’t I think of that?”

hoodie life hack

“Oh my God, that somehow manages to be ingenious and depressing at the same time!”

Roughly 70% of life hacks are about either fingernail painting techniques, amplifying the volume of music played on your iphone, or freezing things that aren’t water to make things cold without watering it down, but all life hacks, when done right, make you go, “Oh shit!  That’s kind of cool!” even though you’re almost guaranteed to do nothing with this newly acquired information.  And they are cool!  The first time you hear that Chinese take-out boxes can be folded out into plates, you lose your fucking mind for half a second.  And when we finally realized that the markings in Solo cups measures your serving size for shots, beer, and wine, a few of our staff members actually wept out of sheer joy.

However, for every game changing life hack, there are others that, well, let’s just say, were explicitly designed by people who would sneak into your bathroom and replace your mouthwash with castor oil, because they’re, well, they’re crazy.  They’re crazy people.

The Worst Life Hacks (Invented By Crazy People)

 umbrella the fuck

“My apartment is filled with them!  Broken umbrellas, as far as the eye can see!”

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