Halloween Costumes That Should Not Exist (Female Edition)

“Honestly, I just kind of feel sorry for the models.”

~You

like the fuck is this

We talked to you earlier this week about Halloween costumes for men that, essentially, are crimes against humanity.  Now, it’s time for us to talk about the ladies, because AFFotD is a gender-equal institution, and also because all bad idea women’s Halloween costumes are, let’s say, revealing.  Which, you know, gets page hits.

That said, while the men’s article required multiple categories, you don’t need such nuanced distinction with the Halloween costumes that, we guess, in theory, someone has bought.  They have to have, right?  Anyway, while horrible men’s costumes covered a moderate range of awful ideas, today’s article adheres to just one basic theme.

Sexy versions of blatantly unsexy things.

Let’s delve in.

Costumes That Should Not Exist (Female Edition)

 sexy straight jacket more like gay jacket that was just a joke

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Halloween Costumes That Should Not Exist (Male Edition)

“Wait, let me guess—you dressed up as a giant douchebag.”

~All of us

ice bucket

Halloween is a wonderful time of the year.  No, we’re not saying that sarcastically, Halloween is one of the better holidays out there—you’re not expected to do anything other than dress as something goofy, get drunk with your friends, and maybe steal some of the candy your kids got Trick-or-Treating when they’re not looking (they are guaranteed not to notice, unless you snag one of the full-sized snickers that your neighbors keep offering just to show up everyone else on the block, the bastards.)

We’ve, long ago, talked about how Halloween is the holiday that ages with you.  That might sound like an indictment, but it’s quite the opposite—almost every other holiday is so inflexible, you’re inevitably bound to have periods of your life where you don’t find them as enjoyable as you once did.  Not so with Halloween.  When you’re a kid, and want candy, boom, you’ll get to fill your little chubby cheeks with enough sugar to force us to make some diabetes joke that leads to weirdly hostile diatribes being posted on our website.  You’re in your 20’s or 30’s and would like an excuse to get smashed while dressed in 1990’s pop culture references?  All yours buddy!  Feeling like settling down, dressing up your baby as a pumpkin and having a shindig at your house?  Halloween has you covered!

It’s a great holiday.  We can’t stress that enough.  It’s great.  Great great great.

But people who buy and wear novelty costumes for it suck.  Like these following costumes.  Do not buy these costumes.  Do not suck on Halloween.

Costumes That Should Not Exist (Male Edition)

 bed costume

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The Worst Gingerbread Flavored Products in America

“Run run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me because you really don’t care too much, I mean really, I’m not that tasty, compared to other sweets.”

~The Honest Gingerbread Man

gingerbread

We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but summer is over, fall is here, and winter is just around the corner.  We know, we know, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.  But, let’s all take a step back, and think about all the good times, foods, and occasions that fall and winter will afford you.  No, we’re being serious, take a moment and pick your favorite thing about autumn or winter.

Oh, the holiday season, that’s a good one, you over there.

Hmm, bourbon and dark beers, that’s a very solid point, intern whispering in our ear right now.  Now go back to the supply closest and keep on spamming PETA with hate-emails.

Oh, what’s that, distant quiet voice in the back?  Gingerbread gets to come back?  Ugh, fine.  Whatever.  Yes, gingerbread houses and all that shit will be easier to find.  That’s a lame thing to suggest, but not lame enough for us to openly mock you for suggesting it.

Let’s face it, gingerbread is just alright, probably because America didn’t invent it and the most fun you can have with it is putting it into shapes you don’t get to eat until they’ve long since gone stale.  Which is fine—a gingerbread house is a lot of fun, and many precious memories have been made around it, but if we were being honest, a gingerbread house is a great way to have your children or man-child husbands pick at the icing and gumdrops, thinking incorrectly that they’re being sneaky, for a few months until the whole thing turns rock solid and you put it outside for squirrels to eat the shit out of.  That’s pretty much gingerbread’s biggest purpose for American society—it tricks squirrels into thinking we don’t eat anything that tastes better than stale gingerbread, so they by-and-large leave us the hell alone.

Unfortunately, because it’s considered a “seasonal” treat, every goddamn company imaginable decides to release a “limited edition” gingerbread flavored version of their product this time of the year.  Most of them, like gingerbread, are, eh, fine.  But some of them.

Oh, mother of God, some of them.  Are awful.  Terrible.  Sins.

We’re going to tell you about some of them.

The Worst Gingerbread Flavored Products in America

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Bloomberg Businessweek Has Stopped Giving a Fuck

“Ha ha ha, holy shit, this is, what?”

~AFFotD’s Graphic Design Department

tim cooks apple

Look at that.

Just give that a real good stare.  You might be wondering, “AFFotD, why did you photoshop this awkward and obviously fake Bloomberg Businessweek magazine cover?”  Oh, oh you could not be more wrong.  Ladies and gentlemen, we present you, the actual, real-life Bloomberg Businessweek’s cover story about Apple’s Tim Cook.  No, we’re serious.  Yes, they intended for it to look that way.  Yes, they put that on the front of something that they then expected people to buy.  Like, with real money and everything.  We know.  We know.

We had to keep going through various articles of Bloomberg Businessweek because, come on now, that can’t be for real, can it?

But it is.  It is very real.  And Bloomerg clearly has just run out of fucks to give.

Bloomberg Businessweek Has Stopped Giving a Fuck

 image002

 

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AFFotD Tries to be Tropical: The Ebola Virus

“Guys, guys, I got this.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

hot zone

Our writing staff had a bit too much to drink last night, and the night before, and God, like, the week before that and, well let’s just say they’re not in a state to write at the moment.  Most of us have a kind of existential hangover, you know the kind where it’s less “Oh man, I’m so hungover, I drank too much last night” and more, “Oh God, what am I doing to myself, oh why did I do this, what is life, what is my purpose”?  No?  Just us?

Anyway, since our Editor-in-Chief has the terrifying ability to bounce back from a night of drinking that rivals even the most accomplished college drinkers, he decided to take the reins and write you a little think piece in our new, borderline-pandering-for-cheap-page views segment, AFFotD Tries To Be Topical.  Enjoy.

And God, dim the monitor just a bit, that’s killing our eyes.  And get us a cup of coffee, will ya?  Ugh.  Never drinking that much again, we can tell you that much.

You’re right, that’s a bold-faced lie.  Anyway, to lighten the mood, here’s an article about how Ebola will not kill you, and you all need to calm the hell down.

AFFotD Tries to be Tropical:  The Ebola Virus

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The Worst Products Inspired By The Walking Dead

“Guys, guys, guys.  GUYS.  You gotta cool it.  Just, chill.”

~AMC’s Marketing Department

walking dead happy

If you’re an American with access to cable television (cough-or-know-a-good-streaming-site-cough) you’ve probably seen The Walking Dead, with your opinions ranging from “This is the best show to happen to American television” to “this show is a utter garbage” with your true feelings likely settling somewhere along the lines of, “I mean, it’s fine, everyone except for Daryl, Glenn, and Maggie kind of suck, but it’s cool to see zombies get smushed.”

But no matter your views on the show, it’s impact on American culture is hard to ignore.  This is a show that, when it airs, outperforms Sunday Night Football among 18- to 49-year-olds.  No matter how you slice it (puns!), when your show is more popular than primetime football (and that’s even before the whole, you know, “2014 was a bad year to be related to or romantically involved with a football player” messiness) that’s pretty impressive.

Which is why on one hand, we can understand why many people, companies, and businesses are falling over themselves to get a slice of that sweet, sweet Walking Dead publicity by creating tie-in promotions, or “Walking Dead influenced” products.   And, also not surprisingly, trying to find a way to go viral by emulating a show that follows of a bunch of chronically depressed southerners as they run away from murderous shambles of rotting flesh can lead to some pretty bad ideas.  And since the world is filled with the assholes who say, “Well, any press is good press” whenever they’re talking about a story of a Wal-Mart shoving their undocumented workers into a furnace to avoid a tax write-up (citation needed) no one has the sense to say, “No, guys.  Stop it.  This is a bad idea.  A bad idea.”

Here are some bad ideas inspired by The Walking Dead

The Worst Products Inspired By The Walking Dead

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7 Boozy Deep-Fried Alcohol Treats

“My…heart…my…liver…tell…my family…it was worth it.”

~Consumers of fried alcohol

fried foods

Ever since Reese’s came up with the groundbreaking decision that sweet things taste good with peanut butter, it’s been a commonly accepted practice in American culture to ignore “common sense” or “that pain in your chest” and combine things that are delicious, logic be damned.  Do you like beer, and meat?  Meatbeer!  Do you like doughnuts, and hamburgers?  Get that man a fucking Luther Burger!  Do you like Taco Bell (read as: are currently drunk and on the way home from the bars) and Doritos?  How the fuck have you not had a Doritos Locos Taco yet, that’s literally the sole reason why Taco Bell is still a viable fast food establishment!  What is wrong with you!?

The point being, when America loves two things, like, say, a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle, we like to force them together through unholy acts and hope that we end up with a pleasing end result, like a Labradoodle.  Well, guess what.  We love fried food.  And we love booze.  We think you can guess where this is going.

We’re going to get a Labradoodle drunk and then feed it a shitload of fried food.

Wait, what’s that?  Oh, no, we’re just going to tell you about people who deep fry alcohol.  Yeah, that sounds pretty good, let’s do that.

7 Boozy Deep-Fried Alcohol Treats

fried whiskey

                                                                      (photo courtesy of thrillist)

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