The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History

“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”

~Every AFFotD staff member

Oliver Reed, September 1979.

Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t.  We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it.  For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”

We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol.  Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute.  So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.

The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History

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Filed under Alcohol, Giver of Life, American Heroes, Drinkers

George Wallace Has His Mess Right

“hahaha ohhh he said it!”

~Adoring Las Vegas crowds

George_Wallace

It’s been a while since you’ve heard from the crew at America Fun Fact of the Day.  Part of that is that we’ve been busy working on a reality TV show called “Inside The Lives Of Real Americans” which we got fired from after we went through the entire liquor budget that TLC allowed in two days.  And part of that is that, after getting fired, we decided to spend some time in Las Vegas.

“But why Las Vegas, and why am I here as a flimsy humor article rhetorical construct?” you might be screaming at the computer, possibly while soiling yourself.  “And seriously, if you’re going to put words in my mouth, please don’t make me seem like some deconstructed ruin of where humanity can fail” you might add while smashing frozen tater tots into a waffle iron and serving the end result on the last clean T-shirt that you own, which happens to be a Pearl Jam Summer Tour 1997 shirt. 

But to answer the question of this shambling mess of a human being which we’ve apparently decided to fictitiously create to embody you, the reader, why wouldn’t we go to Las Vegas?  It has everything.  There are alcoholic drinks that come in glasses a yard long, nothing ever closes, you get free drinks for legally gambling, and you can solicit the services of a prostitute and come to the conclusion that you can never undo the things that you’ve done, and that doesn’t bother you because you’re dead inside.

And, of course, there is the 10PM show of “The New Mr. Las Vegas” himself, George Wallace, at The Flamingo every night.  We realized that this man knew comedy in a way that we could only dream of, and we can’t think of a better way to pay him tribute than to give him his very own fun fact, stealing/recycling his jokes so the world can appreciate him without having to pay $30 in Vegas.

George Wallace Has His Mess Right

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America’s 10 Grossest Ice Cream Flavors

“If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.”

~Garth Algar

ice cream

Every summer American childhood memory revolves around delicious treats that cool you down while giving you a hell of a sugar rush.  “You scream, I scream, we all scream for…” we all would shout in our formative years to have it interrupted by our father’s saying, “Shut up with your damn singing and get your father another fucking beer.  Oh Jesus, you’re crying again?  Man the fuck up, here, take this five dollar bill and get something from the ice cream truck, maybe that’ll get you out of my goddamn hair for one fucking minute.”  Ah, memories.

Here’s a fun test for you Americans at reading at home (or at work ) (or while pooping, whatever, we don’t judge).  Go to ten strangers and ask if they like ice cream.  You will probably get six people saying, “Um, yeah?” three people saying, “Who the fuck are you” and one person who goes, “No I do not like ice cream.”  Well congratulations, you’ve found the parasite, the host is dead, there’s nothing for you to do but to set him on fire and contain the pathogen.  So, 9 out of 9 Americans love ice cream, meaning that ice cream is infallible, much like pizza or Oreos.

Oh what’s that?  You clicked the above links and saw that it lead to gross examples of those aforementioned delicious treats?  Oh, you didn’t click on them because that seemed time consuming and you’re just skimming through this anyway?  Shut up, just, okay?  Just pretend you did.  Anyway, we’re going to talk about Americans that fuck up ice cream.

America’s 10 Grossest Ice Cream Flavors

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Filed under Strange Foods

The State of Our Union: KFC

“Listen, KFC, we need to talk.  You guys might need to…start cooling your shit.”

~Concerned Americans

kfc

We as a society have an incredibly short memory when it comes to change.  We freak the fuck out whenever Facebook alters it’s news feed only to completely forget about our reaction the next time they change the layout and we again, collectively, lose our shit.  That ability to accept the occasional big change while glossing over the small ones is completely natural, but it does mean that every so often we need to take a step back and look to see if we’ve gone too far.  Similarly to how you can watch eight seasons of a TV show and not realize how much the actors have aged until you revisit the first episode, we might not realize how far off the rails some of our favorite American establishments have gone until we take a step back and compare it to Japan.

Which brings us to our inaugural edition of our latest running article—The State of Our Union.  We will take an iconic American establishment and look at it with fresh, new eyes, to put in perspective if it truly is American, or if we’ve created a monster.  First up, we have a beloved institution that has been in existence since 1930—KFC, the artist formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The State of Our Union:  KFC

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Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

“Listen, we’re not going to interrupt our perfectly drunk barbeque to post some damn article.  Have [REDACTED] write about, oh, let’s say, summer cocktails.  People love that shit right?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

cocktail

Summer has arrived, that time of year to sip some cold beer on your lawn while the men don their grilling aprons, the women don their short shorts and tube tops, and dad’s everywhere nudge their sons when someone wearing short shorts and a tube top walks by their grill.  It’s also a time for drinking alcoholic beverages outside the normal realm of your beer, wine, or whiskeys.  It’s a time where you can order your piña colada or your mai tai and no one can judge you.  And for the majority of us who had to weather the polar vortexes of 2014 (*glares jealously at Florida and Southern California*) we have truly earned every fruity, refreshing summer cocktail we can get our hands on.

That even applies to[REDACTED].  For those of our readers who might not remember, [REDACTED] is our investigative journalist who has gone insane, and as such now is forced to live out of our office’s utility closet until we can figure out a humane way to deal with him.  Until then, we give him the occasional article to write, which often involves us making him watch awful rap videos and describing them to you.  He’s normally drunk by the time we get him to do any writing for us, which frankly astonishes us because we have gone through very exhaustive efforts to make sure he has no alcohol or caustic materials within reach, yet somehow he’s, just, perennially drunk, like one of those people with gut fermentation syndrome who gets drunk they consume sugars or carbohydrates.

Anyway, we decided we were going to write about summer cocktails, because everyone loves writing about summer cocktails and it’s the kind of fluff piece that everyone and your mother (especially your mother) likes to post on their Facebook timelines.  Now admittedly, we failed to realize that, without any proper alcohol or mixers, the results might not exactly be appealing, but here’s the five cocktails that [REDACTED] came up with.

Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!

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The 7 Longest Books in American History

“That’s no book.  It’s a space station.”

~Obi-wan Librarian

giant book

America has a very tenuous relationship with books, and literacy in general.  On one hand, you’re here, reading these words, and only about 25% of you have to slowly-mouth-out-the-words-as-you-read-along.  But on the other hand, reading is hard.  Hell, that’s why this page is covered with flags and bears and shit because look at the shiny things look at the shiny things thanks for the page click sorry there aren’t more side-boob slideshows for you.

The fact of the matter is, while many Americans appreciate a good book, and even spend their free time reading as opposed to, say, drinking and watching Netflix in whiskey haze, others think that books are for suckers.  We’re not going to take a side on this topic, unless we write and subsequently try to sell a book, in which case, literature is awesome, RIP Borders you will be missed, long live Barnes and Noble.  But, as long as there has been literature, there have been works of literature that are soooooo long (“how long are they?”) they are soooo long… that it would take an incredible amount of time and patience to get through them.

Damn, we really thought there could be a joke in there.  A joke about long books…long…something.  Nope, we got nothing.  Damn shame.  Anyway, here are the longest books ever written by American authors.

The 7 Longest Books In America

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Today in American History: Memorial Days of American History

“In honor of the sacrifice of our men and women overseas, you don’t have to work on Monday, freeing up Sunday for a drunken barbeque.”

 ~The Constitution, probably

memorial day

This Monday is Memorial Day, the national holiday where we remember the men and women who have died while serving in the Armed Forces by taking advantage of a three-day weekend right around the time that the weather starts finally getting warm.  There’s beer, family, friends, barbecues, and we think this is the one where you’re allowed to start wearing white as opposed to the one where you should stop wearing white.

So on this particular Memorial Day, we decided to dig through the nation’s history and give you an insight into important events that have happened on Memorial Days of the past during the handful of times where we’ve managed to do something besides spilling light beer on our American flag grilling aprons.

Today in American History:  Memorial Days of American History

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