5 Super Bowl Halftime Performances That Have Aged Horribly

“Oh thank God, now I can go to the bathroom.”

~Super Bowl viewers during the halftime show

black eyed peas super bowl

Hey!  The Super Bowl is just a few days away!  It’s the one time of the year where you absolutely know, unequivocally, that you’re going to be suffering at work the following Monday, and you know it’ll be absolutely worth it.  Super Bowl Sunday is a day filled with the beer and snacks and a statistically-probably-underwhelming football game, and it’s the closest to a live national spectacle as you can find in this fine nation.  Everyone watches the Super Bowl, everyone has stronger than necessary opinions about the importance or unimportance of Super Bowl commercials, and everyone wishes that the party they were at had 30 bathrooms once the Super Bowl Halftime show begins, because the only person who actually gives a shit about the Super Bowl Halftime show is your friend’s girlfriend that no one in your group of friends really likes, who is really into Katy Perry to the point that it’s kind of uncomfortable.

Otherwise, the Halftime Show is an extremely expensive spectacle that’s just a waste of fucking time.  The phenomenon of people looking for something more interesting to watch during Halftime directly contributed to the existence of both the Puppy Bowl and a women-in-lingerie football league that still exists to this day.  However, the Halftime Show does serve as an interesting indicator of our nation’s culture.  Like, in the mid 00’s we were terrified of breasts on live television, so we went with safe performances by old rockers in their 50s and 60s.  Last year, we were way into uncoordinated sharks, apparently.  There are a lot of memorable Super Bowl Halftime performances.  And there are also the Black Eyed Peas, but we managed to get drunk enough by halftime that year that we blissfully have no memory of it.

What we’re trying to say is that Super Bowl Halftime Shows are very much a product of their times.  Sometimes that can prove to be ageless, like Michael Jackson destroying the Rose Bowl at the peak of his stardom.  And sometimes…well, sometimes you get…

5 Super Bowl Halftime Performances That Have Aged Horribly

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American Sausage Series Part 5: Miscellaneous Sausages

I just can’t get over the fact that Cincinnati eats their sausages with grape jelly.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, after part 4 of this series

 grilled sausage

We’ve been talking a lot about sausages the past few weeks.  Like, a lot.  There are dozens of types of sausage out there, even when you include the hundred or so varieties that haven’t made their way to America yet.  In fact, we managed to find 25 different types of sausages that were either created in America, or were brought over from Germany (or other countries, but let’s be honest here, mostly Germany) and adopted by America as something that’s worth stuffing into your sin hole (that’s what we’ve been trying to call mouths this year.  In retrospect it probably wasn’t our best idea).

Twenty sausage varieties have already been discussed, leaving us going into the homestretch to take all of the leftover sausages we had and “stuff” their “meat” into the “casing” of our final entry in this article series.  (Did you see what we did there, or were we too subtle?  Subtle about the “this category is like the sausage of sausage varieties” thing?)

American Sausage Series Part 5:  Miscellaneous Sausages

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American Sausage Series Part 4: Regional Midwest Sausages

“Cincinnati is weird…”

~Us, whenever we look at Cincinnati’s local food

 sausage

We are now well into week three of our sausage coverage here at AFFotD, and we know what you’re thinking.  “Wait, did you avoid putting a dick joke in part three of this series?”  Holy shit, you’re right!  We’ve just been so surrounded by phallic objects we’ve become desensitized to it, apparently.  Brings us back to our fraternity days.

Anyway, as we just covered the East Coast and the South in the last section, we’re going to move on to the Midwest, with the not-surprising inclusion of Wisconsin and Chicago, and the more surprising inclusion of Cincinnati.

American Sausage Series Part 4:  Regional Midwest Sausages

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American Sausage Series Part 3: Regional East Coast and Southern Sausages

“What the hell?  Hog Maw?  Why not just name your sausage ‘Pig Hell’?”

~AFFotD Research Staff

 sausages

We’re now on part three of our five part series on sausages across America, and surprisingly we’ve only had two staffers succumb to heart attacks since we’ve started the research of these articles.  That’s honestly much better than we expected.  So far, we’ve told you about the origin, or at the very least the ingredients of, ten sausages that, with the exception of one or two, are pretty universally well known around the United States.

Now we’re going to continue this series with some more potentially obscure sausages, as the next two articles are going to be about specific regional sausages.  So get ready for a trip through the East Coast and the South (let’s be honest, it’s basically just a shuttle back and forth between Louisiana and Pennsylvania for this go round) and prepare to gorge on…

American Sausage Series Part 3:  Regional East Coast and Southern Sausages

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American Sausage Series Part 2: More Typical Sausages

“Yes, sausages look like dicks, we get it.”

~You, every time we try to make a sausage joke in this series

 sausages

Last week, we started our American Sausage Series, where we will devote five entire articles to talk about a bunch of fleshy tubes of spare meat that’s been seasoned and preserved in some sort of usually-intestinal casing for your eventual consuming pleasure.  If this is your first time here, we’re guessing you might have googled “Summer Sausage” expecting to find some sort of seasonal sex act, and for that we apologize for the letdown you’re feeling right now.  The rest of you probably remember the rules, or at least will click back to the first part of this series if you don’t.

No, we’re serious, go ahead, click back.  We’ll wait.

Okay.  And now we’ll recap the rules again, just to laugh at you and the waste of fucking time we sent you on, haaa haaa.  Anyway, while most of the sausages that we’re covering don’t originate in America (though some do!) we’re still going to write about foreign-born sausage if they have a unique variation in America.  That’s why we’ll eventually talk about Polish sausage, but only because Chicago decided to make their own version of a kielbasa and make it horribly unhealthy (to be fair, kielbasa’s are not exactly health food normally).   So with that, we’re going to continue onward with our series with more sausage types that we think are relatively common knowledge.

American Sausage Series Part 2: More Typical Sausages

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American Sausage Series Part 1: Typical American Sausages

“Wait, we’re doing sausages enough?  But we’ve already done hot dogs!  And sandwiches!  When will the madness end?”

~AFFotD’s Research Staffers

sausage

About once a year, the staff of America Fun Fact of the Day decide they want to take on a really ambitious project.  Well, really, our editor-in-chief goes on a weird peyote trip and is like, “Man, what if we wrote about every kind of sandwich in America” or has the rest of us scour the internet for every goddamn regional hot dog or what have you, and when the boss man says, “Jump” we say, “Ugh, fine, can we have a few drinks first, at least?”  And now that we’re nice and entrenched in 2016, we apparently are overdue for our latest unnecessarily ambitious article series—sausages!  That’s right, we’re going to tell you about every fucking sausage, for the small, small price of “our sanity.”

Now, we are going to keep this list at least somewhat manageable by only sticking with sausages that were invented in America, or those that have a distinctive “American” version.  That means Italian Sausage, while invented in Italy (really!?  You don’t say!) still counts, because there’s an American variation of that sausage, but we can’t really go with chorizo, since the chorizo we eat tends to be either a Mexican or Spanish style.  It also, thankfully, means we don’t have to write about vegetarian sausage, as the Germans invented that in 1916, possibly as a continuation of the World War I chemical warfare research that brought us mustard gas.

Also unfortunately (or fortunately?) we can’t include Scrapple, which some people consider a sausage, but which is technically a nightmare pudding that mushes together pork offal with corneal and buckwheat and forms it into a loaf.  If we wanted to write an article of “America’s horrific attempts to mimic haggis” we might include Scrapple, but until then they don’t make the cut.  Basically, we stuck with encased meats of a very specific type.  We’re not going to go generic, so a specific kind of meat, in a sausage, on its own isn’t enough to make the list.  That’s right, chicken sausage, get right the fuck out of here.  Otherwise, we will follow these basic rules until our researchers get lazy and we don’t.  But strap yourself in, as the next few weeks you’ll get to learn way more about dick-shaped food than you’d have any reason to know in a thousand lifetimes.  Sausages!

American Sausage Series Part 1:  Typical American Sausages

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Botswana

“…Huh, so bugs and guts, huh?  And…you…like this?”

~Traditional Tourist at a Botswanan Restaurant

botswana flag

When we write about other cultures, we tend to focus on the negative.  Part of that is because USA! USA! USA! but honestly, it’s just us staying on brand.  We’re here to write about the best things of America, and a lot of that involves making fun of other countries because we fear anything different and interpret the potential for change as a direct assault on our way of life.  Or something like that.  Mainly we just like making fun of people.  It amuses us.

That’s the championing spirit we adopted when starting our latest running series of articles—the saddest cuisines in the world.  We’ve talked about Latvia, and we’ve talked about Armenia, and honestly we can, and probably eventually will, talk about every single former Soviet Union nation because, while American cuisine focuses on making heart attacks especially delicious, we’re fairly sure most residents of the Soviet Union actively thought that “appetizer” was a word to describe the guttural sobbing noises everyone would make shortly before eating dinner.

But we can’t be so narrowly focused in our narrow minded take down of other cultures.  So this time around we’re going to take our trip down to Africa and look at the despondent food traditions of…

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Botswana

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America’s Largest Roadside Attractions in the World

“…Wait we drove all the way just for this?”

~Disappointed children everywhere

 largest cherry pie

America likes things big, and while normally that would be our cue to raise our eyebrows and euphemistically write out “laaaadies” we’re being serious.  Okay, well we’re not being serious at all, we’re just not making genital jokes.  We are, however, talking about America’s wonderful, adorably ridiculous obsession with having the world’s largest ____.  It doesn’t really matter what it is, hundreds of small towns, and even some not-so-small ones, like to find something on this planet that doesn’t exist in a comically large form, just so they can make the world’s largest version of that item and stick it prominently in their town for people taking road trip breaks to gawk at.

It’s a delightfully quaint bit of Americana that truly couldn’t occur in a lot of places outside of America—we have so much vast space that it’d just feel a little bit empty if it didn’t have a World’s Largest Paul Bunyan Statue here, or a World’s Largest Ball of Twine there.  What other country could be willing and able to welcome that?  Europe might appreciate the charm, but they’re far crowded and cramped together.  China’s too busy trying to buy all our currency in a desperate but ultimately futile attempt to continue their economic growth indefinitely.  That last sentence was way too heady for an article about silly large version of everyday items, so for our third example we will just say that Russians are too cold and drunk to try to top us in the field of making giant yo-yos.

We want to embrace America in all of its quirks, which is why our newest feature on this site will present, for you…

America’s Largest Roadside Attractions in the World

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The American History of Clam Chowder

“It’s chowdah!  CHOWDAH!  I’ll kill you!  I’ll kill you all!”

~Freddy Quimby

clam chowder

The existence of what we generally refer to as a clam is a simple one.  They are small little mollusks that spend their whole life completely immobile until a human comes along, boils them alive, and eats them unceremoniously alongside literally dozens of its slayed brethren.  Don’t feel too bad for them, though, because they’re delicious.  Okay, fine, if that’s not enough of an excuse, uh, let’s say…all clams are racist?  Yeah, every clam is like, suuuper racist, like “you don’t feel safe when they start talking, and you’re like, Scandinavian” racist.  Better?  Yeah, fuck those guys!  That’s why we have a duty, as Americans, to slaughter them in droves and cook them in rich, satisfying stews.

Clam chowder is a dish that even people who don’t eat clams still like and enjoy.  If someone said, “I don’t like clams, they’re too rubbery, also that racist thing is still messing with my head” they would still see “clam chowder” on the menu and want to order it, despite literally half of the words in the dish being things they actively dislike.  That is because clam chowder, at its very core, is an inherently American dish—it’s not nearly as widespread as, say, hamburgers or pizza (sit down Germany and Italy we took the ball from you and ran farther with it, those are ours now) but it is one of the best soup options out there, especially for that asshole boss of yours with the shellfish allergy (just tell them that clams don’t count, and that promotion will be yours in no time!)

That’s why today we’re going to take a moment to set you aside, but a warm bowl of creamy seafoody cholesterol in front of you, and tell you about the history of one of the first American soups.

The American History of Clam Chowder

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AFFotD Website Review: 123newyear.com

“…Is this written by a robot, an alien, or both?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

635850197284573487-484381917_Setting-Goals-for-2016

We plan on writing a proper New Year’s Eve article tomorrow about ball dropping, because we haven’t posted in a while and we giggle at the term “ball dropping” due to our perpetual adolescence.  But before we go ahead with that, we want to take a quick moment to introduce you to a very special website that tells you everything you need to know about American New Year’s Eve celebrations.

Welcome to the New Year in America – Traditions and Customs, by 123newyear.com.

It is an insignificant blip on the 3% of the internet not devoted to pornography―526 words about New Year’s traditions in America, 410 of which specifically address New Years in America.  The other 116 words talk about “South American New Year Traditions” without even trying to pretend like they are aware that different countries in an entire continent might not share the same cultures and practices.  There is no author, and one comment on the entire page.

It is such a tiny, tiny little thing on the internet that no one would give a second look, and we love it so much.  Because it was clearly not written by a human being, and watching a computer program trying to describe this hu-man celebration gives us endless joy.  So let’s go through this article, shall we?

AFFotD Website Review:  123newyear.com

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